"Dear Tipsy"

[C-Dawg]

Dear Tipsy,

Ever since Critterpalooza,I havent been able to get the taste of my friends Smokin Ballz out of my mouth. Im home and and i crave to have one but I cant find them any where. I thought id try to make my own but I just cant get my Ballz to smoke. Where am I going wrong?

Smokeless in Seattle

Dude....that's just wrong

Sometimes wrong is funny. Im glad you appreciate my gutter humor.

Funny?!? That's hilarious!!!

[backstreets77]

Dear Tipsy,

Ever since Critterpalooza,I havent been able to get the taste of my friends Smokin Ballz out of my mouth. Im home and and i crave to have one but I cant find them any where. I thought id try to make my own but I just cant get my Ballz to smoke. Where am I going wrong?

Smokeless in Seattle

Dude....that's just wrong

Sometimes wrong is funny. Im glad you appreciate my gutter humor.

Funny?!? That's hilarious!!!

Thanks. I cant wait for Tipsys reply. I posted a more unedited version over at http://www.crittervillecove.com

[TipsyLilPinkMousey]

Dear Tipsy,

Ever since Critterpalooza,I havent been able to get the taste of my friends Smokin Ballz out of my mouth. Im home and and i crave to have one but I cant find them any where. I thought id try to make my own but I just cant get my Ballz to smoke. Where am I going wrong?

Smokeless in Seattle

Dear Smokeless,

Read my lips: bubblegum martinis do not smoke.

And really, don't try to do it yourself. I mean, you might somewhat satisfy the craving, but it's not as good. Also, you shouldn't DIY yourself too much. You might go blind. ...I'm only telling you what I heard. ~cleans eyeglasses~

~muah~
Tipsy

[TipsyLilPinkMousey]

Dear Tipsy,

I'm a owner of a professional sports team and no one seems to like me. I try to be nice and bring in high price talent but my team stinks. I give lots of coaches a chance to coach the team. I give the fans the honor of going to the games and paying out the nose for everything but they still don't like me. I am a little short in height but I don't think I'm trying to overcompensate. How do I get people to like me and how do I get my football team to win?

Signed,
Sandy Delnier

Dear Pseudonymed Owner,

I apologize for this delayed response. I have no excuse other than my fruitless attempt to be less blunt. I've searched for words, the right words, the perfect words. And all I could find is, "You s***."

In burgundy and gold,
Tipsy

[Marnin Grita Guy]

Dear Tipsy.

I am worried about some of my friends. They do some very odd things that I fear

may be looked upon negatively in the future. How can I make them see the right and

wholesome path to follow? I think we must all become one, under the sun, in the eyes of

everyone, with the waters pouring down upon us as we shed our garments of shame and

enjoy the serenity of knowledge. What should be done to help them?

[Snowparrot]

Does this one belong in the PWI thread?

[Marnin Grita Guy]

Does this one belong in the PWI thread?

(SHUSH YOU!)

Pay no attention to the crazy Canuckian behind the snow curtain.

[Snowparrot]

@MGG (There's nobody else around, anyway!)

Dear Tipsy,
If I was falling asleep at 1:30 a.m. at work, why am I still awake now, at 3:38?
Why don't I have enough sense to go to my lonely bed and get a good night's sleep?
sleepless in Ottawa

[C-Dawg]

Dear Tipsy.

I am worried about some of my friends. They do some very odd things that I fear

may be looked upon negatively in the future. How can I make them see the right and

wholesome path to follow? I think we must all become one, under the sun, in the eyes of

everyone, with the waters pouring down upon us as we shed our garments of shame and

enjoy the serenity of knowledge. What should be done to help them?

Barry, I did the stripper pole/ shower with Eileen & Callie....but I'm not doing it with you, regardless how poetically you ask.

[pair8head]

Dear Tipsy Dear Tipsy
well I never thought
that me and my girlfriend
would ever get caught.
We were out in the backseat
just shooting the breeze
with her hair up in curlers
and her pants to her knees
Signed Just Married.

[TipsyLilPinkMousey]

Dear Tipsy ,

How does a single male penguin find true love

signed ,
Waddling thru life

Dear Waddly-One,

He finds it much less appealing than a week-long trip to Calli-sthenics!

Signed, with pink floppy ears,
Tipsy

[TipsyLilPinkMousey]

Dear Tipsy Dear Tipsy
well I never thought
that me and my girlfriend
would ever get caught.
We were out in the backseat
just shooting the breeze
with her hair up in curlers
and her pants to her knees
Signed Just Married.

Oooh, you done gone and says this twice, didja? What advice ya need? I think you're just braggin' about your curler-topped chick!

[backstreets77]

Dear Tipsy,

I have two friends who we will call "Shayleen" and "Ray" and they keep saying.."Hey Jim, "asphinctersayswhat"? And I say what? and they laugh at me hysterically and say exactly. I dont know what they are laughing at and I ask them and they tell me to figure it out bunghole.

What should I do about my friends? Im afraid they may beat me about my body so nobody can see the bruises.

Sincerely,
Butt of Jokes

[surfpirate]

Dear Tipsy,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. Sometimes the phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up.

My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them.."

I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

Around midnight, I decided to hide next to the garage behind my boat so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls". When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her underwear out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouching behind the boat, that I noticed that there were some hairline cracks in my gelcoat, right where the hull meets the transom.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it over to the boat yard to have it repaired?

(signed) BoatLover

[Snowparrot]

Wow, you really need Tipsy's help!

[smokindave]

Dear Tipsy,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice.

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife
has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I ask
their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know
them."

I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually
fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I
think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she
went out again and I decided to really check on her.

Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I
could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a
night out with "the girls". When she got out of the car she was buttoning
up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse
and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that
I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline
crack right by the club head.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop
where I bought it?

Signed,

Perplexed

[Bicycle Bill]

Dear Tipsy:

I recently met this magnificent lady Parrothead in the parking lot at (withheld to preserve privacy). We hit it off and we shared some boat drinks, jello shots, and a couple of cheeseburgers; then we went in to the concert, sat together on the grass, shared some wine and smoke that I had smuggled in, and after the concert, well, nature took its course. We've continued to see each other, and it's starting to get pretty serious — she wants me to take her to meet my family, and there is where I have a problem.

I'm the product of a broken home, such as it was. My father never did marry my mother. They just lived together in the years after Woodstock, and ended up raising three children; myself, my older brother Snake, and my younger sister. Unfortunately, shortly after little April Dawn was born Dad died of an OD and left Mom to raise the three of us. She had to take to the streets and make money by panhandling and hooking.

None of us ever graduated from high school; Snake dropped out, got involved in a street gang, and is currently serving 15 to 30 in a Federal penitentiary for taking part in a drive-by that killed three people. Mom was getting older and not making hardly anything on the streets anymore, so I dropped out in my sophomore year of HS to try to support us by working odd jobs and scrounging aluminum cans out of dumpsters. April Dawn ended up getting pregnant by a member of some second-rate country musician's back-up band; she married him, moved to Nashville, and is currently the #1 groupie for the band down there. Mom doesn't do anything any more except sit around, watch TV, smoke joints, and drink cheap beer.

As you can see, Tipsy, I'm not exactly proud of my family, but I don't want to keep secrets from my Parrothead sweetie either.
So my question is this:  should I tell her about my sister, the Benny Puckett fan?
(signed)

-"BB"-

[surfpirate]

The guess here is that Tipsy is so young she doesn't even know who Benny Puckett was .... she could of course read up about the Legend of Benny Puckett at .... http://bncritters.com/bennypuckett.html.

[RinglingRingling]

Dear Tipsy:

I recently met this magnificent lady Parrothead in the parking lot at (withheld to preserve privacy). We hit it off and we shared some boat drinks, jello shots, and a couple of cheeseburgers; then we went in to the concert, sat together on the grass, shared some wine and smoke that I had smuggled in, and after the concert, well, nature took its course. We've continued to see each other, and it's starting to get pretty serious — she wants me to take her to meet my family, and there is where I have a problem.

I'm the product of a broken home, such as it was. My father never did marry my mother. They just lived together in the years after Woodstock, and ended up raising three children; myself, my older brother Snake, and my younger sister. Unfortunately, shortly after little April Dawn was born Dad died of an OD and left Mom to raise the three of us. She had to take to the streets and make money by panhandling and hooking.

None of us ever graduated from high school; Snake dropped out, got involved in a street gang, and is currently serving 15 to 30 in a Federal penitentiary for taking part in a drive-by that killed three people. Mom was getting older and not making hardly anything on the streets anymore, so I dropped out in my sophomore year of HS to try to support us by working odd jobs and scrounging aluminum cans out of dumpsters. April Dawn ended up getting pregnant by a member of some second-rate country musician's back-up band; she married him, moved to Nashville, and is currently the #1 groupie for the band down there. Mom doesn't do anything any more except sit around, watch TV, smoke joints, and drink cheap beer.

As you can see, Tipsy, I'm not exactly proud of my family, but I don't want to keep secrets from my Parrothead sweetie either.
So my question is this:  should I tell her about my sister, the Benny Puckett fan?
(signed)

-"BB"-

Benny would be ok. Telling your sweetie your sister is a huge Kenny Cheeseney groupie is just going to get you branded a liar..

[TongaTam]

Dear Tipsy,
How the hell are you girl!? So I got to ask.. are these annoying frakkers driving you crazy yet? I mean, grow a pair already, right?

So when are we getting together for martinis and smoking balls!?
Mmmm... mmm..

~ missing her scifi drinking buddy

(or should that be syfy now?)