Dedicated to Air Mville Captain
Posted: November 6, 2003 2:22 pm
Thought I would share in case you haven't seen these!
> The following are extracts of actual exchanges
> between airline pilots and control towers from
> around the world:
>
> ==============================
>
> While taxiing at Los Angeles, the crew of a US
> Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a
> wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United
> 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out
> at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where
> the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right
> on to Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta!
> Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to
> tell the difference between C and D, but get it
> right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed
> crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now
> you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever
> to sort this out! You stay right there and don't
> move till I tell you to! You can expect
> progressive taxi instructions in about half an
> hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell
> you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got
> that, US Air 2771?" Yes ma'am," the humbled crew
> responded. Naturally, the ground control
> communications frequency fell terribly silent
> after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody
> wanted to chance engaging the irate ground
> controller in her current state of mind. Tension
> in every cockpit at L.A. was definitely running
> high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence
> and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I
> married to you once?"
>
> ====================
>
> A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an
> exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San
> Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right
> turn at the end of the runway, if you are able...
> If not able, take the Guadaloupe exit off Highway
> 101, make a right at the lights and return to the
> airport."
>
> ================================
>
> Unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff
> queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
> Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft
> transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
> Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not
> f...ing stupid!"
>
> ====================================
>
> Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact
> Departure on frequency 124.7."
> Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to
> Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw
> some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
> runway."
> Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff
> behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency
> 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
> Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for
> takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern ...
> we've already notified our caterers."
>
> =======================================
>
> The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport
> are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not
> only expect one to know one's gate parking
> location, but how to get there without any
> assistance from them. So it was with some
> amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the
> following exchange between Frankfurt ground
> control and a British Airways 747, call sign
> Speedbird 206":
> Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of
> active runway."
> Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha
> One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main
> taxiway and slowed to a stop.
> Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know vhere you are
> going?"
> Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up
> our gate location now."
> Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):
> "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt
> before?"
> Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 -- but
> I didn't land."
>
> ================================
>
> O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329
> heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock,
> three miles, eastbound."
> United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say
> this ... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
>
> =========================================
>
> A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in
> Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in
> German): "Ground, what is our start clearance
> time?"
> Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you
> must speak in English."
> Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a
> German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak
> English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a
> beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the
> bloody war."
> The following are extracts of actual exchanges
> between airline pilots and control towers from
> around the world:
>
> ==============================
>
> While taxiing at Los Angeles, the crew of a US
> Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a
> wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United
> 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out
> at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where
> the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right
> on to Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta!
> Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to
> tell the difference between C and D, but get it
> right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed
> crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now
> you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever
> to sort this out! You stay right there and don't
> move till I tell you to! You can expect
> progressive taxi instructions in about half an
> hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell
> you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got
> that, US Air 2771?" Yes ma'am," the humbled crew
> responded. Naturally, the ground control
> communications frequency fell terribly silent
> after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody
> wanted to chance engaging the irate ground
> controller in her current state of mind. Tension
> in every cockpit at L.A. was definitely running
> high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence
> and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I
> married to you once?"
>
> ====================
>
> A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an
> exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San
> Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right
> turn at the end of the runway, if you are able...
> If not able, take the Guadaloupe exit off Highway
> 101, make a right at the lights and return to the
> airport."
>
> ================================
>
> Unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff
> queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
> Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft
> transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
> Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not
> f...ing stupid!"
>
> ====================================
>
> Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact
> Departure on frequency 124.7."
> Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to
> Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw
> some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
> runway."
> Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff
> behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency
> 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
> Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for
> takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern ...
> we've already notified our caterers."
>
> =======================================
>
> The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport
> are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not
> only expect one to know one's gate parking
> location, but how to get there without any
> assistance from them. So it was with some
> amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the
> following exchange between Frankfurt ground
> control and a British Airways 747, call sign
> Speedbird 206":
> Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of
> active runway."
> Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha
> One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main
> taxiway and slowed to a stop.
> Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know vhere you are
> going?"
> Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up
> our gate location now."
> Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):
> "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt
> before?"
> Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 -- but
> I didn't land."
>
> ================================
>
> O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329
> heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock,
> three miles, eastbound."
> United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say
> this ... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
>
> =========================================
>
> A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in
> Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in
> German): "Ground, what is our start clearance
> time?"
> Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you
> must speak in English."
> Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a
> German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak
> English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a
> beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the
> bloody war."