15 Ways to Avoid A Good Ol' Fashioned Southern Ass Whuppin'
Posted: September 13, 2004 4:36 pm
Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners,
Northeasterners, Northwesterners, Westerners and Southwestern
Urbanites
1. Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's
just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook
something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.
2. Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Luther, Tammy Lynn,
Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Sonny, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to
kick your ass.
3. Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here
it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying rat's ass whether it's
Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever... it's still a Coke. Accept
it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.
4. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g.
Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and
generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies
or red necks or we'll kick your ass.
5. We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Sam
Walton, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes,
have small lapses in judgment. We don't care if you think we are
dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in
order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would
kick his/her ass.
6. Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to
Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett
up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of
Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the
carving, we'll kick your ass.
7. We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell
up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll
kick your ass.
8. Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will
instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God
intended--with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll
kick your ass.
9. Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you
will get your ass kicked.
10. Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we
know better. Many of us have visited Northern and Southwestern
hellholes and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it
here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it
gets kicked.
11. Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way
because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't
understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what
we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave
us alone, or we'll kick your ass.
12. Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR
lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR
scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.
13. Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We
hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because
such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves
around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some
manners into your ass just like they did ours.
14. So you think we're quaint, or losers, because most of us live in
the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in
filthy, smelly, crime infested cesspools like New York, Baltimore or
Boston. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.
15. Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us
how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot off(right after it
is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all.
Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box... minus
your ass.
Northeasterners, Northwesterners, Westerners and Southwestern
Urbanites
1. Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's
just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook
something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.
2. Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Luther, Tammy Lynn,
Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Sonny, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to
kick your ass.
3. Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here
it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying rat's ass whether it's
Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever... it's still a Coke. Accept
it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.
4. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g.
Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and
generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies
or red necks or we'll kick your ass.
5. We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Sam
Walton, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes,
have small lapses in judgment. We don't care if you think we are
dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in
order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would
kick his/her ass.
6. Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to
Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett
up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of
Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the
carving, we'll kick your ass.
7. We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell
up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll
kick your ass.
8. Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will
instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God
intended--with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll
kick your ass.
9. Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you
will get your ass kicked.
10. Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we
know better. Many of us have visited Northern and Southwestern
hellholes and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it
here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it
gets kicked.
11. Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way
because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't
understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what
we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave
us alone, or we'll kick your ass.
12. Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR
lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR
scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.
13. Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We
hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because
such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves
around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some
manners into your ass just like they did ours.
14. So you think we're quaint, or losers, because most of us live in
the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in
filthy, smelly, crime infested cesspools like New York, Baltimore or
Boston. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.
15. Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us
how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot off(right after it
is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all.
Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box... minus
your ass.
who would even consider getting out a fork for chicken or pizza 
