Posted By Howie Feltersnatch
There were two blondes walking along on opposite sides of a river.
One blonde yelled across the river to the other blonde "Hey,how do I get on the other side!"
The other blonde looked around for a moment and then yelled back "You are on the other side!"
Blonde joke
Moderator: SMLCHNG
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Posted By Mother0shn
A brunette walks into a doctor's office and says to the doctor "There's something terribly wrong with me. It hurts when I touch here" (She touches her shoulder)"and it hurts when I touch here, here, here and here." (She subsequently touches her chest, her stomach, her hip and her leg)
The doctor says "hmmmm" and procedes to examine her. After a few moments he asks her "Did you used to be a blonde?"
"Why yes, Doctor," she says. "How did you know?"
The doctor replies, "It was actually quite easy, you have a broken finger!"
A brunette walks into a doctor's office and says to the doctor "There's something terribly wrong with me. It hurts when I touch here" (She touches her shoulder)"and it hurts when I touch here, here, here and here." (She subsequently touches her chest, her stomach, her hip and her leg)
The doctor says "hmmmm" and procedes to examine her. After a few moments he asks her "Did you used to be a blonde?"
"Why yes, Doctor," she says. "How did you know?"
The doctor replies, "It was actually quite easy, you have a broken finger!"
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Posted By 2fla
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. ”My God!” the trooper gasped. “Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma’am?”
”Yes officer, I’m just fine!” the blonde chirped.
”Well, how in the world did this happen?” the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
”Officer, it was the strangest thing!” the blonde began. “I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...”
”Uh, ma’am”, the officer said, cutting her off...”there isn’t a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth.”
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. ”My God!” the trooper gasped. “Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma’am?”
”Yes officer, I’m just fine!” the blonde chirped.
”Well, how in the world did this happen?” the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
”Officer, it was the strangest thing!” the blonde began. “I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...”
”Uh, ma’am”, the officer said, cutting her off...”there isn’t a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth.”
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Posted By Beachwoman
A Blonde named Mary decides to do something really wild & rent her first X-rated adult video.
She goes to the video store, and after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.
She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something more comfortable, & puts the tape in the VCR.
To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.
"I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static", she says.
"Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?" the clerk replies.
"Head Cleaner"' Mary replies.
A Blonde named Mary decides to do something really wild & rent her first X-rated adult video.
She goes to the video store, and after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.
She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something more comfortable, & puts the tape in the VCR.
To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.
"I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static", she says.
"Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?" the clerk replies.
"Head Cleaner"' Mary replies.
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Posted By phinns
A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room
for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could
not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.
While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a
skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that
they should call the police.
When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them
the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said "this could
be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any
more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and
said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we
want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."
The police said it's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of
important."
"Well, who was it?"
"The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion."
A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room
for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could
not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.
While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a
skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that
they should call the police.
When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them
the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said "this could
be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any
more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and
said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we
want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."
The police said it's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of
important."
"Well, who was it?"
"The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion."
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Posted By Kato Rutherz
There's this blonde wearing headphones, and she goes into the barber shop to get a haircut.
The barber says, "Ma'am, you're going to have to take your headphones off in order for me to cut your hair."
"I can't," says the blonde. The barber goes, "Why not?" "I just can't!" snaps the blonde.
The barber tries to cut her hair around the headphones, but it doesn't work. So he takes them off. She dies.
A couple hours later, the police are investigating the crime scene. Chief Smith picks up the headphones and listens to them. This is what he hears:
"Breathe in; breathe out; breathe in; breathe out..."
There's this blonde wearing headphones, and she goes into the barber shop to get a haircut.
The barber says, "Ma'am, you're going to have to take your headphones off in order for me to cut your hair."
"I can't," says the blonde. The barber goes, "Why not?" "I just can't!" snaps the blonde.
The barber tries to cut her hair around the headphones, but it doesn't work. So he takes them off. She dies.
A couple hours later, the police are investigating the crime scene. Chief Smith picks up the headphones and listens to them. This is what he hears:
"Breathe in; breathe out; breathe in; breathe out..."
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Posted By Burgh Bird
>Three blondes died in an accident trying to jump the Grand Canyon. They are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question. The question posed by St. Peter is - "What is Easter"? The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when we all get together, eat turkey and are thankful." "Wrong!, you are not welcome here, I'm afraid. You must go to the other place!" replies St. Peter. Then he turns to the second blonde, and asks her the same question - "What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus." St. Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head on the pearly gates in disgust and tells her she's wrong and will have to join her friend in the other place; she is not welcome in Heaven. He then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "Do YOU know what Easter is?" The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.
>"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last
>supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed
>in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was
>sealed off by a large boulder."
>St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.
>Then the third blonde continues ... "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six
>more weeks of winter!"
>Three blondes died in an accident trying to jump the Grand Canyon. They are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question. The question posed by St. Peter is - "What is Easter"? The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when we all get together, eat turkey and are thankful." "Wrong!, you are not welcome here, I'm afraid. You must go to the other place!" replies St. Peter. Then he turns to the second blonde, and asks her the same question - "What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus." St. Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head on the pearly gates in disgust and tells her she's wrong and will have to join her friend in the other place; she is not welcome in Heaven. He then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "Do YOU know what Easter is?" The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.
>"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last
>supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed
>in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was
>sealed off by a large boulder."
>St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.
>Then the third blonde continues ... "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six
>more weeks of winter!"