Posted: June 7, 2005 11:08 am
I don't know you, but I can tell you that so far, I am less than impressed with the approach taken in "airing out the laundry".Lil Miss Magic22 wrote:And to everyone out there who thinks Kevin is "better off" or thinks that I'm a "friggin idiot" needs to consider why he is so hung up on this relationship. Amazing how he can't get over such a worthless, evil, b*tch. Makes you kinda wonder.....
a) Having been down the road (one about 3 blocks over, with a T intersection rather than a 4 way) Kevin appears to have walked, I can say this:
1) Getting over does not mean forgetting, nor does it mean that you put yourself in the position where it can happen again. The worthless evil b____ (Otherwise known as "The Tumour" because she was a "massive, malignant, life-sucking growth on my checkbook") in my past had the effect of never trusting anyone with my ATM PIN; weighing what is said and checking it against the past statements to make sure the story remains fairly consistent; and making it much easier for me to look at someone and say, "tough, you don't like it, you can go bother someone who will put up with your crap".
2) Because you want it to work (in his case because of the girls, in mine because as an engineer's kid you grow up thinking anything can be fixed, no matter how broken or hosed up because it just takes logic and effort), you put your soul into it. You push, and push against the problems, trying to keep them at bay because you are trying to do the right thing. When that force you are pushing against is suddenly taken away, you are left overbalanced and you fall, drained.
I had an aunt whose husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer's about the same time they discovered he had Parkinson's. She pushed, and pushed, and pushed against that reality for about 7 years. When he died (officially, because the man she was married to was really gone with the diagnosis), she had nothing left to push against; and the disease had defined her life as much as his. She just seemed to fold up on herself, and never really came out again. An extreme example, but a good illustration.
3) The amount of time you are together also affects how fast you bounce back. A two-six month fling is pretty easy; two-three years is gonna take a bit of time. Hard as it is, burying onesself in something else is the best way to go. (Work being best, new relationships not so much because you have to "drop back five, and reassess" things about yourself before you can really be any good to anyone else).
4) There are some learned behaviours when you are with someone like his worthless, evil b___. If she was cheating on him, it's a little hard to forego the survival techniques from the past relationship until trust gets built up. You don't want to do it, you keep telling yourself not to do it, but there is still that "need to make sure", that comes from when trust isn't completely formed. (and yeah, it is hard to build trust that way, from the new person's perspective. They need to understand that there are going to be some rough patches and BOTH of you need to work thru them)
b) Getting into a new relationship was probably bad idea. There were a lot of issues that needed examination and addressing, and just using the feelings for a new girl like a coat of new paint doesn't change the fact that the underlying drywall needs replacement. While it was probably really tempting to just say "screw this, I am outta here", Kevin is still going to be carrying Kevin inside, and without the time to heal, the same problems are travelling with him. (In this aspect, he made a mistake going for anything more than a lot of friendships and hanging out with, while he worked thru the problems at home and recharged the batteries.)
There, that said... I am outta this. You two discuss 'mongst yourselves.
After 2 years, his g/f decided she didn't like his job anymore. ?????
See... Now I would have loved that!! I would have been singing all day long!