Larry David commentary on Brokeback Mountain
Posted: January 5, 2006 7:09 pm
I found this amusing.
COMMENTARY
Weakness for cowboys strikes fear in his heart
Thursday, January 05, 2006
LARRY DAVID
Somebody had to write this, and I might as well be the one: I haven’t seen Brokeback Mountain, nor do I have any intention of seeing it.
In fact, cowboys would have to lasso me, drag me into the theater and tie me to the seat. And even then I would make every effort to close my eyes and cover my ears.
And I love gay people.
Hey, I have gay acquaintances. I’m for gay marriage, gay divorce, gay this and gay that. I just don’t want to watch two men, alone on the prairie, fall in love and kiss and hug and hold hands and whatnot. That’s all.
Is that so terrible? Does that mean I’m homophobic? And if I am, well, then that’s too bad. You can call me any name you want, but I’m still not going to that movie.
To my surprise, I have some straight friends who have not only seen the movie but liked it.
‘‘One of the best love stories ever," one gushed.
Another went on: ‘‘Oh, my God, you completely forget that it’s two men. You, in particular, will love it."
‘‘Why me?"
‘‘You just will; trust me."
But I don’t trust him. If two cowboys _ male icons who are 100 percent all-man _ can succumb, what chance do I have, a half- to a quarter of a man, depending on whom I’m with? I’m a susceptible person, easily influenced — a natural-born follower with no sales resistance. When I walk into a store, clerks wrestle one another trying to get to me first.
My wife won’t let me watch infomercials, because of all the junk I’ve ordered that’s piled up in the garage. My medicine cabinet is filled with vitamins and baldness cures.
So who’s to say I won’t become enamored with the whole gay business? Let’s face it: There is some appeal there. I know I’ve always gotten along great with men. I never once paced in my room rehearsing what to say before asking a guy whether he wanted to go to the movies. And I generally don’t pay for men — which, of course, is their most appealing attribute.
And gay guys always seem like they’re having a great time. At the Christmas party I went to, they were the only ones who sang.
Boy, that looked like fun. I would love to sing, but this weighty, self-conscious heterosexuality I’m saddled with won’t permit it.
I just know, if I saw that movie, the voice inside my head that delights in torturing me would have a field day: "You like those cowboys, don’t you? They’re kind of cute. Go ahead; admit it: They’re cute. You can’t fool me, gay man. Go ahead; stop fighting it. You’re gay! You’re gay!"
Not that there’s anything wrong with it.
Larry David, star of the HBO series Curb Your Enthusiasm, contributes op-ed pieces to The New York Times.
COMMENTARY
Weakness for cowboys strikes fear in his heart
Thursday, January 05, 2006
LARRY DAVID
Somebody had to write this, and I might as well be the one: I haven’t seen Brokeback Mountain, nor do I have any intention of seeing it.
In fact, cowboys would have to lasso me, drag me into the theater and tie me to the seat. And even then I would make every effort to close my eyes and cover my ears.
And I love gay people.
Hey, I have gay acquaintances. I’m for gay marriage, gay divorce, gay this and gay that. I just don’t want to watch two men, alone on the prairie, fall in love and kiss and hug and hold hands and whatnot. That’s all.
Is that so terrible? Does that mean I’m homophobic? And if I am, well, then that’s too bad. You can call me any name you want, but I’m still not going to that movie.
To my surprise, I have some straight friends who have not only seen the movie but liked it.
‘‘One of the best love stories ever," one gushed.
Another went on: ‘‘Oh, my God, you completely forget that it’s two men. You, in particular, will love it."
‘‘Why me?"
‘‘You just will; trust me."
But I don’t trust him. If two cowboys _ male icons who are 100 percent all-man _ can succumb, what chance do I have, a half- to a quarter of a man, depending on whom I’m with? I’m a susceptible person, easily influenced — a natural-born follower with no sales resistance. When I walk into a store, clerks wrestle one another trying to get to me first.
My wife won’t let me watch infomercials, because of all the junk I’ve ordered that’s piled up in the garage. My medicine cabinet is filled with vitamins and baldness cures.
So who’s to say I won’t become enamored with the whole gay business? Let’s face it: There is some appeal there. I know I’ve always gotten along great with men. I never once paced in my room rehearsing what to say before asking a guy whether he wanted to go to the movies. And I generally don’t pay for men — which, of course, is their most appealing attribute.
And gay guys always seem like they’re having a great time. At the Christmas party I went to, they were the only ones who sang.
Boy, that looked like fun. I would love to sing, but this weighty, self-conscious heterosexuality I’m saddled with won’t permit it.
I just know, if I saw that movie, the voice inside my head that delights in torturing me would have a field day: "You like those cowboys, don’t you? They’re kind of cute. Go ahead; admit it: They’re cute. You can’t fool me, gay man. Go ahead; stop fighting it. You’re gay! You’re gay!"
Not that there’s anything wrong with it.
Larry David, star of the HBO series Curb Your Enthusiasm, contributes op-ed pieces to The New York Times.
