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Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the
"in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit
more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:


1. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50 ways
to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this
airplane..."


2. Pilot-"Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so
I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move
about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we
land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it
affects the flight pattern."


3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express.
We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we
enjoyed taking you for a ride.


4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington
National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big
fella. WHOA!"


5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced:
"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments
because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has
shifted."


6. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard
Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert
the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just
like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate
one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In
the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will
descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and
pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling
with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you
are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you
love more.


7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.
Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more
than Southwest Airlines."


8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the
event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our
compliments."


9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of
your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed
evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave
children or spouses."


10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."


11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased
to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...
Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!


12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo,
Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final
approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an
extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and
announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please
remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the
Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"


13. Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect
landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain
Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."


14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he
had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline
had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the
door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a
"Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his
bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the
eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally,
everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking
with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old
lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"


15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight
Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in
your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the
aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once
the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced,
we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the
wreckage to the terminal.


16. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd
like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next
time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies
in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at
US Airways."

Lines I have heard. . .

"Please return your seatback to its most upright and uncomfortable position."

"In the case that the oxygens masks do deploy, please put your own on before helping any children, or people acting like children, with theirs."

"Please wait until the airplane comes to a complete stop at the gate before unbuckling your seat belt and leaving your seat. The airplane might come to a sudden stop and there's nothing more embarassing than landing on your butt in front of a plane load of total strangers."

A couple funny things I have heard on jetBlue:

"The life vests have an illuminating light on them so the sharks can see what they're eating."

"If there is a sudden loss in cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling. Stop screaming, and secure your mask. If you are traveling with a child, or someone who is acting like a child, secure theirs next. If you have more than one child, pick which one you like best."

and this one from the captain:
"Kids, make sure you behave and dont kick the seat in front of you, or I will turn the cartoon network off."

Having flown into Amarillo many times, #12 is really funny and TRUE!

I can't remember which airline it was, but one of the announcements they made said, "In the unlikely event that our flight becomes a cruise, the seat cushions can be used for flotation."

Love to see a little humor in every day stuff!

Those are great!!!

My flight crews are so boring...

The flight via SWA last October to see JB in LV had a hilarious crew, I was wondering if they were making that part of their standard review for each flight.

Talking about the oxygen masks dropping....
"In the event you are travelling with more than one child, what were you thinking".

An SWA flight I was on recently:

It is a $2500 fine for smoking in the lavatory, and if you wanted to pay that much for this flight, you probably would have flown Delta!

A few years back, on a Southwest flight to MCO, the flight attendant (I still remember his name was Ted) comes on the loudspeaker after landing and says: We have a very special guest on board today. He is celebrating his 90th birthday, and this is his first time on an airplane... (Pause, everyone applauds)... And he's your pilot!

Many, many, many years ago my Dad was on flight that was overbooked. The gate agent got on the intercom and asked if two people would be willing to give up their seats...and the pilot and copilot came bolting out of the cockpit.