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Posted: **January 18, 2006 8:59 pm**

job41475 wrote:A buddy of mine got a DUI on St. Pats of 04. He lost his liscense for 90 days and had to take drug and alchol classes. He was slated to be a driver for FedEx but due the DUI he can't be for another 14 months....

That sounds almost exactly like my experience . 'cept mine was in '83.
I was in line for a plumb job at FedEx, but I made a foolish mistake back then.
My BA level was clearly over the legal limit, so rather waste the money on a lawyer, I accepted my guilt and worked to redeem myself at my own expense and time.

Trying to ease the penalty, IMHO, is not doing the offender any favors.
If you "do the time" after "doing the crime", it's amazing how you discover your own level of self-respect and accountability.
When these lessons aren't honestly learned, it's only a matter of time before mistakes are REPEATED

Posted: **January 18, 2006 9:05 pm**

balcony girls wrote:
Quiet and Shy wrote: Wow, I'm so sorry (((BG))). I'm not a parent, but my thought is it might be time for some tough love...they're his actions, he's responsible for them and now he needs to deal and live with the consequences -- fine, jail, loss of license, etc. That doesn't mean you don't love or don't care about him, but on this he's just got to learn. This isn't a victimless crime...way too many innocent people die from drunk drivers. As a multi-repeat offender I suspect he needs counseling/treatment as well...he's just gotta dig himself out of that trap.
this is the " BINGO " I was kind of looking for . . .

. .but then it becomes the " what do you mean , you didn't help him . ? ? " . . ( I've already gotten those phone calls). . as well as the " so when are you gonna get him out . ? ? "

dear... they have a saying in Baltimore, "one assault? Hey, you were impetuous. Two assault charges? well, it is Bawlimur and things happen. Third time: you got anger issues."

This is to say that he was already looking at a hard road when he got his third one a while back by the statutes on the books and as enforced in King Co. If the first one wasn't a wakeup, and the second didn't get his attention, that third one should have. (kinda like my grandfather's third heart attack...) #4 is way beyond "perhaps the punishment wasn't getting the message across". That #4 happened would be, like so many people have already said, "time to let him face this one on his own." Remind me to tell you a story or two in PM or over a beer (or any other drink) about this.

Basically, you get three strikes in baseball. It isn't easy to walk away (take it from an engineer's kid who grew up with the idea, "nothing is so broken it can't be fixed by someone with a plan and the will."), but on this one, you probably should walk away far enough that he has to get thru it himself, but not so far that he is all alone in his life. (and the hardest part of that is finding the balance point between those two levels of interaction).

Got fingers crossed for you. and you know there are a lot of folks here to help you with getting thru the hardest part of this.

Posted: **January 18, 2006 9:11 pm**

Oh BG...

I got my son out of jail and so did my ex husband..his father..

It did nothing. No good whatsoever....I hate to say this..but if it did no good the first go round? It's not going to be this time..

He just got out of jail on Christmas Eve and had been there 4 months....
I did not accept his calls. I did not run out to put money in the commisary...I did nothing.
He put himself there..He turned 29 in jail...in November...

My dad told me that my son has to hit bottom before he can pull himself up.....and if I can help him hit that bottom?? I AM going to do it....

I pray for his bottom..I pray it's hard...really hard..and quick....

Prayers and Phin Power sent your way.....

Been thru this...Not the DUI...But multiple jail offenses stemming from being drunk.......and I will not ever, ever, ever get him out again...

It just didn't work for me.......

I hope yours has a better ending..I truly do .....

Posted: **January 18, 2006 9:12 pm**

RinglingRingling wrote: It isn't easy to walk away (take it from an engineer's kid who grew up with the idea, "nothing is so broken it can't be fixed by someone with a plan and the will."), but on this one, you probably should walk away far enough that he has to get thru it himself, but not so far that he is all alone in his life. (and the hardest part of that is finding the balance point between those two levels of interaction).

Got fingers crossed for you. and you know there are a lot of folks here to help you with getting thru the hardest part of this.

Well put...

Posted: **January 18, 2006 9:12 pm**

Lightning Bolt wrote:
job41475 wrote:A buddy of mine got a DUI on St. Pats of 04. He lost his liscense for 90 days and had to take drug and alchol classes. He was slated to be a driver for FedEx but due the DUI he can't be for another 14 months....
That sounds almost exactly like my experience . 'cept mine was in '83.
I was in line for a plumb job at FedEx, but I made a foolish mistake back then.My BA level was clearly over the legal limit, so rather waste the money on a lawyer
, I accepted my guilt and worked to redeem myself at my own expense and time.

Trying to ease the penalty, IMHO, is not doing the offender any favors.
If you "do the time" after "doing the crime", it's amazing how you discover your own level of self-respect and accountability.
When these lessons aren't honestly learned, it's only a matter of time before mistakes are REPEATED

In Yuba and Sutter countys you are required to have an Attorney
when you face the judge..

Posted: **January 18, 2006 9:15 pm**

Are you looking for the strength to let him face this on his own. We'll be there for you. You can love him, offer to pay for rehab, etc.
My sons have a very good friend. He had a close loving family. The father had too much to drink one night. It was dark and nasty out. There were two boys rollerblading on the shoulder of the road in dark clothes. He hit them killing one boy, only 17yo. I don't know how often this man had dui'd before. I do know he had parents with money who had bailed him out of situations before.
Even with their money the best they could do was get him 12 years. It has been very tough on alot of kids. The dad was a surfer who was kind of a role model for alot of the kids, my sons included. My boys and their friend were around 14 when the dad was finally sentenced.
The boys' family has fallen apart. Older daughter really messing up life. My son's friend also doing the same. Mother dealing with civil suits and loss of any possessions she has.
And that doesn't count the poor boy who died and his family. His father was a police officer. Two families torn apart. Better to be tough and avoid something worst later.
I have three teens who are driving now. Probably my biggest fear is that they would meet a drunk driver.

Posted: **January 18, 2006 9:25 pm**

~~~~^~~~~~~^~~~~

PHINS UP for you and your son, BG.
I'll keep you both in my prayers; seems like he's gonna need some.

Don't let anyone give you the guilt trip. You are the only one who can decide what's right for you to do. You know your son better than anyone...and we all know you love him. Your SON knows you love him...and he will understand, eventually at least, that what you chose to do...you did FOR him--to help him. Best of luck with whatever decision you make.

Love and peaceful thoughts heading your way.

Posted: **January 18, 2006 9:26 pm**

(((((Cindi)))))

Lacey and I have recently dealt with a family member suffering from a severe alcohol problem. It was time to quit enabling him, and he lost/left everything. He ended up living in a downtown homeless shelter for quite awhile before he finally decided to do something with his life. Things are better for him now, but only because he decided to make some of the necessary changes in his life.

The one thing the family did was tell him he was loved and occasionally send prepaid phone cards to him, so he could contact family members when he wanted. It is hard to step back from family, but there comes a time when helping isn't actually helping.

Be strong, mom; and let people who care about you know when you need a little support too!

Posted: **January 18, 2006 9:47 pm**

Cin... BIG HUGS!

I just saw this thread.... I can give you advice from my past profession...or from a Mom who is having to find tough love to deal with with her own 21 year old keet.... You have great advice posted here.... so I will tell you from a legal perspective.... (Its been 15 years but I havent forgotten.....

)

If he avoids jail time... it will cost a bundle. A public defender can get the same decision..... but a paid defense attorney would be more likely to get him a better one. Lengthly probation will be required I am sure.

I am betting that at best he will have a suspended license for years if not a lifetime depending on the laws of the state. No doubt he will be ORDERED to take Alcohol abuse classes or enroll in some form of rehab. He may or may not be able to get a work permit after a period of time.

If he can afford an attorney, he will be in better shape... but there is no guarentee. I have seen it go both ways... I have seen repeat offenders get no jail time. And others get jail time. But it cost them 10s of thousands of dollars either way.

No good news here.... just be there to guide him, talk to him, love him and support him. Hopefully he will in fact wake up and realize that he is headed down the wrong path.

If you need ANYTHING.......... you know my #.

Posted: **January 18, 2006 9:47 pm**

Wow - that's tough.

We know someone who got his fourth DUI in Texas this August. It had been 9 years since his last offense. They initially thought he would get 8 years in prison. At sentencing in November, he was given a choice of 2 years in prison or 6 months in rehab. He is in a county jail now, on a waiting list for rehab. I couldn't tell you how many thousands of dollars they spent on attorneys...

Your son has to accept full responsibility for his actions. They are his actions, not yours or anyone else's. In this case there may be nothing you CAN do, even if you decide you want to rescue him.

You've got my number if you need to talk...

Posted: **January 18, 2006 10:05 pm**

Cindy,

I am the counselor and I have little to add to the advice you got from others.
The one thing that you need to remember is how to tell if an addict is lying : their mouth is moving. Don't take an addict at face value, protect yourself and get the facts from an impartial person. You might consider talking to a professional for your own sanity.

But if you need, I am also here to listen.

Terri

Posted: **January 18, 2006 10:30 pm**

(((CINDY))))

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. Please know that you and your son are in our thoughts and prayers and if you are still coming this weekend, a great big hug in person!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted: **January 19, 2006 1:15 am**

BG

I don't have kids, and I have never had a DUI. No experience at all with this kind of situation. I do understand the relationship a single mom has with her kids though. Just wanted you to know that if geography wasn't an issue, and you just needed a hug, I'm there for you.

And my $.02

You need to ask your son how he intends to help himself before you lend a hand to help him. You can only do so much before the kids have to stand up and face the consequences of their own decisions.

((((BG))))

Posted: **January 19, 2006 1:19 am**

It looks to me like you've received a lot of the information you were looking for, and equally important, the support and love to try to ease your mind. I can only offer the latter, but lots of it!

To me, this sums up my thoughts:

OceanCityGirl wrote:Better to be tough and avoid something worst later.

I'm here for you... just let me know if you need anything.

((((((((((((bg))))))))))))

Posted: **January 19, 2006 3:39 am**

Sorry to hear about this. I don't have any direct info for the DUI but I have been through interventions (as an Intervener). If it is the second time likely there is a deeper issue here. If there is he will neeed to reach the Bottom for any rehab to make any meaninful recovery...tough love...they have to own it and want the change, it doesn't work if they think or feel it is being "forced" on them.
Its hard but it is the only successful way I've experienced.

Sorry

On the bright side, I put my boss and good friend in rehab 6 years ago...he has been clean and sober since....but only because he owned up to what he had choosen to do....

Posted: **January 19, 2006 9:00 am**

Is the placement of a breath test in the car in order for it to start an alternative to loss of license in your area. If an attorney can help make that happen even if it has to be following jail time or probation your son could preserve his livelihood.

Posted: **January 19, 2006 1:56 pm**

Are you doing OK today, girl?
You know we all wish we could take some of the
burden off your heart over this. You're too fine
and fun a lady to have to deal with this stuff.

Posted: **January 19, 2006 2:20 pm**

Desdamona wrote:Are you doing OK today, girl?
You know we all wish we could take some of the
burden off your heart over this. You're too fine
and fun a lady to have to deal with this stuff.

wDs!

Posted: **January 19, 2006 3:49 pm**

I'm a little late coming into this one, but wanted to add my limited experience with this subject:

My sister has been arrested twice for DUI in Wisconsin. The first time was a fine and suspended license. The second time, however, she blew a .13 on the breathalyzer....she had to pay some big fine (can't recall how much), had her license suspended for a year (maybe longer) and had to spend 3 months under house arrest. She could only leave to go to work and come straight home. She was also ordered to go through rehab counseling for her drinking problems. This was all very hard on my parents, as I know you KNOW......but they did nothing. First of all, it was hard for them b/c of distance.....they live in S.C., she's in Wis. But they have bailed her out of trouble before and she has never ever ever learned her lesson.....so this time, they gave her their love and emotional support but nothing other than that. No money, no hiring a lawyer....she had to do it all. She got herself into it, she'd have to deal with the consequences.

This was a couple of years ago. She hasn't been in trouble since then. And b/c of the court-ordered rehab, which she has fulfilled, she chose to continue going to therapy b/c she finally realized she really did need help. So she is improving, I think b/c of the punishment she had to face. She still struggles with her demons, but overall she's doing a lot better than she was before the DUI.

Posted: **January 19, 2006 6:01 pm**

iuparrothead wrote:
Desdamona wrote:Are you doing OK today, girl?
wDs!

Still no word...

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advice needed on my keet's DUI . .