Am I a souless monster?

scubamyk · Post by **scubamyk** » July 31, 2006 1:35 pm

OCG's topic about wasting time made me think about what is important to me and what is not.

Many years ago I chose not to attend the funeral of a relative who died of a drug overdose. I had written him off many years ago and knew that his demise would be drug related.

I also have a cousin who has made some poor choices in her life and now has three children by three different fathers and no relation with any of the men nor her children. The children are grown and have their own issues now and I really don't care for any of them.

A friend I have known since childhood, had an affair, got involved with meth then advanced to crack and began a downward spiral into stealing and lying to support his habit. I have written him off as well and could not care less about where he is or what he has become.

Because of my actions (or lack of) towards these individuals, my sister has called me a souless monster.
I think of it as wasting my time trying to change a person's mind about the way they want to live.

I have come to the aid of others when they show a desire to get better, but those who disregard my help and/or advice, I disregard.

Anyone else feel this way or am I truly a souless monster?

ToplessRideFL · Post by **ToplessRideFL** » July 31, 2006 1:40 pm

Wow. I admire your candor!

As I have gotten older I have less and less patience for people who do nothing to right themselves out of a wrong situation. If help is offered and they refuse... then IMO they have made their own bed and must lie in it......

I prefer the term honest and realistic rather than a Souless Monster.

sy · Post by sy » July 31, 2006 1:44 pm

scubamyk wrote: Anyone else feel this way or am I truly a souless monster?

IMO, I don't believe so. You have a certain belief structure that you stick by. Your sister either doesn't like it or doesn't understand.

I do much the same where if I offer caring or support to a person and it falls upon ignorance or simple disregard time and again, they simply become not worth my time. There are enough friends and family who appreciate and rely upon me for me to waste effort on those who don't.

Soulless or not, life is too short to fret and exert effort on those who walk all over you and at the end of the day, you are the one who has to live with yourself, no one else.

But that's just my opinion.

AdamBomb8 · Post by **AdamBomb8** » July 31, 2006 1:45 pm

I'm a believer that there are people in this world who simply have to learn lessons the hard way. I know I am one of them, I've learned plenty the hard way. Can't help people who don't want it. Sometimes you have to let them hit bottom, and hope its not fatal.

ejr · Post by **ejr** » July 31, 2006 2:13 pm

I certainly do struggle with how to deal with people like those you mention, I still care about them, so to me your comments that you could care less are a bit harsh.

As for the relative's funeral--while it would depend on who the relative is, and how well I knew them, and where the funeral was, funerals are for the living, and your absence probably hurt others. A drug death is tragic, and, having several friends in recovery, and some of them struggling with recovery, I know how difficult the struggle can be.

And while I too find that my tolerance sometimes has diminished with age, I remain painfully aware of my own flaws, and how others might view me.

citcat · Post by **citcat** » July 31, 2006 2:21 pm

Sometimes you just gotta tell them, "I won't help you on your way down, but I'll be there for you on your way back up".

Blind Octopus · Post by **Blind Octopus** » July 31, 2006 3:01 pm

I'm an occasional poster, but had to chime in on this one. My close brother died of an OD in 2004. Very sudden, shocking, but not completely unexpected. I think soulless monster is a bit harsh, but as I've grown older and had experience with people with drug addiction, I've found my attitude has tempered somewhat about writing them off. He tried for many years to get past it, but was always sucked back in. He wanted to be free of his addiction in the worst way. I spent many a nights staying up with him so he had something to do instead of drugs. When he did make bad choices, I truly don't believe that he was completely in control of making those choices. I believe that you have to control how much effort you put into people making bad choices and how far you write them off. Having people disappear from their lives makes it that much harder to make better decisions. As for not attending the funeral, assuming it was in your town and you were able to attend, I would have had a problem with that had someone done that to my family. As was said above, funerals are for the living, and people need as much support as possible, especially when a loved one dies that way. You never get over that guilty feeling of 'I could have done more to help.' Don't have regrets about doing what you did if you think it was right, just remember that people who make bad decisions don't always realize it until it's too late.

scubamyk · Post by **scubamyk** » July 31, 2006 3:11 pm

ejr - "I certainly do struggle with how to deal with people like those you mention, I still care about them, so to me your comments that you could care less are a bit harsh."

True, I should have chosen my words a little more carefully. I do care about the person, it is their lack of concern towards their family that has me disgruntled.

And when you mentioned your own "tolerance sometimes has diminished with age" I find that to be the case with myself. And along with that, my diplomacy and tact has followed suit.

It seems my wish to help those who want to better themselves goes unnoticed but my disrepect for those who have disrecspected themselves catches the attention. Not starting a pitty party, just collecting all of the data.

ejr · Post by **ejr** » July 31, 2006 3:28 pm

scubamyk wrote:ejr - "I certainly do struggle with how to deal with people like those you mention, I still care about them, so to me your comments that you could care less are a bit harsh."

True, I should have chosen my words a little more carefully. I do care about the person, it is their lack of concern towards their family that has me disgruntled.

And when you mentioned your own "tolerance sometimes has diminished with age" I find that to be the case with myself. And along with that, my diplomacy and tact has followed suit.

It seems my wish to help those who want to better themselves goes unnoticed but my disrepect for those who have disrecspected themselves catches the attention. Not starting a pitty party, just collecting all of the data.

Appreciate your response. I just know that none of us are perfect, and that family and friendship are incredibly precious so I find it very hard to write off somebody. It is also very hard to keep banging one's head against the wall trying to affect a change when one does not happen-I understand that.

But, even with someone that does not want to be helped, and cannot see how bad off they are, I try to make it known that I am there if and when they ever want or need it. I try not to slam doors permanently.

And I am sure that immediate family of the relative that died while using experienced considerable pain and grief at their loss. Attending the funeral would be a show of respect to them as well as an expression of compassion for the person who died.

I don't think you are soulless. But perhaps you are closing doors more abruptly than necessary, causing more pain to others.

SharkOnLand · Post by **SharkOnLand** » July 31, 2006 3:47 pm

scubamyk wrote:OCG's topic about wasting time made me think about what is important to me and what is not.

Many years ago I chose not to attend the funeral of a relative who died of a drug overdose. I had written him off many years ago and knew that his demise would be drug related.

I also have a cousin who has made some poor choices in her life and now has three children by three different fathers and no relation with any of the men nor her children. The children are grown and have their own issues now and I really don't care for any of them.

A friend I have known since childhood, had an affair, got involved with meth then advanced to crack and began a downward spiral into stealing and lying to support his habit. I have written him off as well and could not care less about where he is or what he has become.

Because of my actions (or lack of) towards these individuals, my sister has called me a souless monster.
I think of it as wasting my time trying to change a person's mind about the way they want to live.

I have come to the aid of others when they show a desire to get better, but those who disregard my help and/or advice, I disregard.

Anyone else feel this way or am I truly a souless monster?

In regards to the funeral, I am of the opinion that you go to a funeral not only to pay respects to the deceased, but also to support the family.

As to the other relatives, I have had immediate family that has several addictions to varying substances... I don't know how close you are (or were) to these people, so I can't judge. I do know if it was a close family member that I cared about, I would reach out to them on several occasions, trying to help them. However, you cannot help those that aren't ready for it.

parrothead216 · Post by **parrothead216** » July 31, 2006 4:02 pm

Scubamyk,

It isn't our place to judge you. If your sister feels this harsh about you, you either are as she says , or she has issues with you! She knows you better then anyone here.

As for your attitude towards people who are in a disfunctional life. Or are not using help offered. Sometimes when your in the middle of something like that, You have to find your own bottom, before anyone can help! But by the grace of God........go I! It is God's place to judge........not your's.

I understand your frustration with people who you judge as not trying hard enough to help themselves. Unfortunately, not everyone may be a capable as you. We are all different!

I guess it is a part of aging, becoming less tolerant, but remember , No one stands as tall as someone who bends to help another.

All that being said, you have to do what you feel is best for you. If you sleep well at night and don't feel any agnst about it, then continue.

Something tells me though your sister has hit some kind of nerve.

IMHO

scubamyk · Post by **scubamyk** » July 31, 2006 5:34 pm

Well, thank you all for your help.

I really didn't think I was "without a soul", nor was I trying to justify my actions. I just wanted to know how my actions stacked up against the norm. I pride myself in standing firm in what I believe and I usually consider all sides before making a decision.
I try not to judge others and I would never ask anyone to judge me. It's not fair to put a person in that position.

So thank you again for your insight and for allowing me to open up my "dark side" to everyone.

Moonie · Post by **Moonie** » July 31, 2006 6:29 pm

when it hits close enough to home (as in your home). the stakes can get high...

brother, son, husband...you can't lump them all together, each one is an individual situation...

btw, I'm speaking from experience, not a hypothetical situation

OceanCityGirl · Post by **OceanCityGirl** » July 31, 2006 6:57 pm

I used to be more harsh, but now I"m more forgiving. I won't let myself gt so close to such a person as to bring problems into my familys/ life. But I can be compassionate, let a person know that if they are ready for help I'm there, kind when we are brought together and send cards on special occasions.
However, I have also taken the opposite approach and can certainly understand your persepective. I have several people I care about with problems like this. It's much harder when you are close to the people in the fallout of their bad choices.

sonofabeach · Post by **sonofabeach** » July 31, 2006 7:10 pm

I agree with your stance scubamyk and have been in similar situations with some people.
Not that I care less about them though, just sick of getting burned and lied to.

carolinagirl · Post by **carolinagirl** » July 31, 2006 8:33 pm

I recently heard the expression, "Everyone lives the life that they believe they deserve." It's empowering to think about it. If your life sucks, start believing you deserve better. It's really a sad, pitiable thing that drug addicts don't believe they deserve better.

But just maybe someone can say something to someone that might make the lightbulb go off over their head, and they might make a baby step toward making a difference.

I always believe that where there's life, there's hope, so I think I am one that would never give up on someone.

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