Top TWENTY reasons Santa Claus at the mall is nuts

[Wino you know]

Ten just isn't enough.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
20-Shaves head and beard, then insists on being called "Santa Kurtz."

19-Tells kids about the comparative kill ratio of the AK-47 over the Daisy Air Rifle.

18-Those nasty chewing tobacco streaks in his beard.

17-Has a complimentary tray of North Pole "Tundra Oysters" ready for the toddlers.

16-After every child's request, asks, "Wouldn't you rather have a nice big bag of clams?"

15-The twinkle in his eye and the twitch of his nose are due to a lack of medication.

14-Every so often, snaps into a Slim Jim and growls, "You've been bad and now you're going down, punk!"

13-Actually enjoys it when small children urinate on his lap.

12-Promises children O.J. will be cleared of all wrongdoing.

11-Caught drinking red wine with fish during break.

10-"Hey kid, bet I can wet my pants faster than you can!"

9-Insists on blowing his nose in children's hair.

8-Despite massive photographic evidence to the contrary, claims to have never worn white gloves or shiny black boots.

7-That snowy beard? Nothin' but nose hair.

6-Answers every child's toy request with "Dream on, PeeWee!"

5-When a child wets on his lap, he returns the favor.

4-Instead of a candy cane, gives each kid a pack of Marlboros and a homemade venison pie.

3-While it's admittedly a nifty trick, blowing smoke rings out of his tracheotomy hole is just scaring the hell out of the kiddies.

2-Tells kids what HE wants for Christmas is a night in the sack with their mother.

1-Tells kids Rudolph's nose isn't the ONLY thing that's red.

[TropicalTroubador]

Seems like whoever came up with this list had a wet pants fixation - I mean, three separate items!

OTOH, I got a good chuckle out of "North Pole Tundra Oysters."

[ragtopW]

[ragtopW]