To all the people in my apartment complex
Reply to:
Date: 2006-12-18, 12:22PM
I know we don't live in the poshest place. I understand that our lovely little faux-ski-lodgy pine tree infested area is surrounded by dingy crappy apartment complexes where there's always shootings and stuff.
So, my dear friends, here's a few hints on how not to sink to that level.
1) Black Dude across the hall: I have no problem with you. You and your hot black girlfriend are very nice, and have killed any remnants of racism I had. Just to let you know: everyone can smell your weed in the hall. I smoke weed, too, but I put the towel by the crack in the door so it doesn't drift out. Unless you guys like the cops here - let's try to control the smoke output. Oh, and come on over anytime for some of the good green. Bring your girlfriend.
2) Guy Who Takes Up Two Spaces with your Piece of s*** Car: As you know, parking spots are at a premium on our side of the complex. I have a nice car, and I've not gotten one door ding while living here. Please have faith in your neighbors. If you do not stop this, I will break off your crappy Murray's stick-on spoiler and shove it through your windshield, or possibly up your ass. Thank you.
3) My Indian Neighbors Next Door: I have no problems with you. You keep to yourselves, and that's ok. However, everyone can smell your cooking spices constantly. Please use your vent fan above your stove. I promise it will not break the bank when the electric bill comes. If the constant stench continues I will be forced to retaliate with some good ol' Anglo cabbage cookin'. You won't like that.
4) Mt. Prospect's Finest Police Officers: Thank you for making frequent patrols around our complex. It really does ease my mind to know that about every 1/2 hour, one of you guys cruises through. Please, though, stop using our parking lot for nappy-time. It looks bad, and gives criminals a free ticket to theft-dom. My cop friends tell me that behind malls, restaurants, or closed businesses are much better places to nap than smack in the middle of a busy apartment complex.
5) Guy Who Jams Hillbilly Music on Weeknights: I love country. More importantly, I love country LOUD. Remember that Saturday this summer, we had the hillbilly music volume contest? That was cool. You struck first with some Hank Jr, I fired back with Flatt and Scruggs, and it was all downhill from there. I know we've never spoken, but I think we share a bond from the music. Now that this bond is in place, please stop playing that s*** late night on weeknights. I have to sleep, and no amount of Merle Haggard at 80 db will make that happen.
6) Hot Older Wife Upstairs: Please stop hitting on me. You are very attractive in a hagged-out Motley Crue video slut sort of way, and your husband is rarely home. Quit "bumping into me" in the laundry room, parking lot, or front office, and trying to start conversations. You see, there will be a time very soon that I will no longer be able to resist your tight 80's jeans-clad sumptiously large camel toe, and I will rip your pants off right there in the laundry room, throw you onto the washer, and bury my tongue into that deep and hopefully slimy crevasse. I do not think my girlfriend or your husband would like that very much, so let's not s*** where we eat, OK? Yes, I will help you carry your laundry up to your place; but I will not come in for "just one drink." I'll let you know if my conscience drops.
7) Mexicans: I know there is a salary requirement to live here; from that same piece of information, I know that you are not dirtbag, drug dealing, gang banging Mexicans. I like your fancy pickup trucks, and I like your hot little latina girlfriends. Please, oh please, stop bumping the carnival music in the parking lot. It makes me feel like I live in Acapulco, 'cept for there's no beaches or mountains here. Just Vatos blasting that Mexi-polka s***. Blast it out on Busse - blast it in your apartment - they're well insulated, nobody can hear it anyway - but please stop in the parking lot.
Guy Near Me with the Neurotic, Barking Dog: I understand that dogs will be dogs, and dogs bark. YELLING at your barking dog at 3AM to STOP BARKING does not help. I am near insanity with the barking... barking... barking... YELLING... more barking. I am a dog lover, but also a gun owner. Please do not force me to become a dog hater and a gun user. Thank you.
pretty nervy if he left it on their doors or something... 
