Diary of a former Iowan
Posted: February 27, 2008 7:50 am
The following is a diary written by a guy who moved here about two years ago, but for some reason, decided to pack it up and leave our little piece of paradise within a year.
Damned if I know why. Perhaps you can decipher his sudden change of heart from these transcripts of his diary:
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Dear Diary:
Aug. 12 - Moved into our new home in Iowa. It is so beautiful here. The
hills and river valleys are so picturesque. I have a beautiful old oak tree
in my front yard. Can hardly wait to set the change in the seasons. This is
truly God's Country.
Oct. 14 - Iowa is such a gorgeous place to live, one of the real special
places on Earth. The leaves are turning a multitude of different colors. I
love all of the shades of reds, oranges and yellows, they are so bright. I
want to walk through all of the beautiful hills and spot some white tail
deer. They are so graceful, certainly they must be the most peaceful
creatures on Earth. This must be paradise.
Nov. 11 - Deer season opens this week. I can't imagine why anyone would want
to shoot these elegant animals. They are the very symbol of peace and
tranquility here in Iowa. I hope it snows soon. I love it here!
Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. I woke to the usual wonderful sight:
everything covered in a beautiful blanket of white. The oak tree is
magnificent. It looks like a postcard. We went out and swept the snow from
the steps and driveway. The air is so crisp, clean and refreshing. We had a
snowball fight. I won, and the snowplow came down the street. He must have
gotten too close to the driveway because we had to go out and shovel the end
of the driveway again. What a beautiful place. Nature in harmony. I love it
here!
Dec. 12 - More snow last night. I love it! The plow did his cute little
trick again. What a rascal. A winter wonderland. I love it here!
Dec. 19 - More snow - couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work in
time. I'm exhausted from all of the shoveling. And that snowplow!
Dec. 21 - More of that white sh|t coming down. I've got blisters on my hands
and a kink in my back. I think that the snowplow driver waits around the
corner until I'm done shoveling the driveway. A$$hole.
Dec. 25 - White Christmas? More freakin' snow. If I ever get my hands on the
sonofabitch who drives that snowplow, I swear I'll castrate him. And why
don't they use more salt on these roads to melt this crap??
Dec. 28 - It hasn't stopped snowing since Christmas. I have been inside
since then, except of course when that SOB 'Snowplow Harry" comes by. Can't
go anywhere, cars are buried up to the windows. Weather man says to expect
another 10 inches. Do you have any idea how many shovelfuls 10 inches is??
Jan. 1 - Happy New Year? The way it's coming down it won't melt until the
4th of July! The snowplow got stuck down the road and the sh|t head actually
had the balls to come and ask to borrow a shovel! I told him I'd broken 6
already this season.
Jan. 4 - Finally got out of the house. We went to the store to get some food
and a goddamn deer ran out in front of my car and I hit the bastard. It did
$3,000 in damage to the car. Those beasts ought to be killed. The hunters
should have a longer season if you ask me.
Jan. 27 - Warmed up a little and rained today. The rain turned the snow into
ice and the weight of it broke the main limb of the oak tree in the front
yard and it went through the roof. I should have cut that old piece of sh|t
into fireplace wood when I had the chance.
May 23 - Took my car to the local garage. Would you believe the whole
underside of the car is rusted away from all of that damn salt they dump on
the road? Car looks like a bashed up, heap of rusted cow sh|t.
May 10 - Sold the car, the house, and moved South. I can't imagine why
anyone in their freakin' mind would ever want to live in the God forsaken
HELL HOLE they call Iowa.
Damned if I know why. Perhaps you can decipher his sudden change of heart from these transcripts of his diary:
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Diary:
Aug. 12 - Moved into our new home in Iowa. It is so beautiful here. The
hills and river valleys are so picturesque. I have a beautiful old oak tree
in my front yard. Can hardly wait to set the change in the seasons. This is
truly God's Country.
Oct. 14 - Iowa is such a gorgeous place to live, one of the real special
places on Earth. The leaves are turning a multitude of different colors. I
love all of the shades of reds, oranges and yellows, they are so bright. I
want to walk through all of the beautiful hills and spot some white tail
deer. They are so graceful, certainly they must be the most peaceful
creatures on Earth. This must be paradise.
Nov. 11 - Deer season opens this week. I can't imagine why anyone would want
to shoot these elegant animals. They are the very symbol of peace and
tranquility here in Iowa. I hope it snows soon. I love it here!
Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. I woke to the usual wonderful sight:
everything covered in a beautiful blanket of white. The oak tree is
magnificent. It looks like a postcard. We went out and swept the snow from
the steps and driveway. The air is so crisp, clean and refreshing. We had a
snowball fight. I won, and the snowplow came down the street. He must have
gotten too close to the driveway because we had to go out and shovel the end
of the driveway again. What a beautiful place. Nature in harmony. I love it
here!
Dec. 12 - More snow last night. I love it! The plow did his cute little
trick again. What a rascal. A winter wonderland. I love it here!
Dec. 19 - More snow - couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work in
time. I'm exhausted from all of the shoveling. And that snowplow!
Dec. 21 - More of that white sh|t coming down. I've got blisters on my hands
and a kink in my back. I think that the snowplow driver waits around the
corner until I'm done shoveling the driveway. A$$hole.
Dec. 25 - White Christmas? More freakin' snow. If I ever get my hands on the
sonofabitch who drives that snowplow, I swear I'll castrate him. And why
don't they use more salt on these roads to melt this crap??
Dec. 28 - It hasn't stopped snowing since Christmas. I have been inside
since then, except of course when that SOB 'Snowplow Harry" comes by. Can't
go anywhere, cars are buried up to the windows. Weather man says to expect
another 10 inches. Do you have any idea how many shovelfuls 10 inches is??
Jan. 1 - Happy New Year? The way it's coming down it won't melt until the
4th of July! The snowplow got stuck down the road and the sh|t head actually
had the balls to come and ask to borrow a shovel! I told him I'd broken 6
already this season.
Jan. 4 - Finally got out of the house. We went to the store to get some food
and a goddamn deer ran out in front of my car and I hit the bastard. It did
$3,000 in damage to the car. Those beasts ought to be killed. The hunters
should have a longer season if you ask me.
Jan. 27 - Warmed up a little and rained today. The rain turned the snow into
ice and the weight of it broke the main limb of the oak tree in the front
yard and it went through the roof. I should have cut that old piece of sh|t
into fireplace wood when I had the chance.
May 23 - Took my car to the local garage. Would you believe the whole
underside of the car is rusted away from all of that damn salt they dump on
the road? Car looks like a bashed up, heap of rusted cow sh|t.
May 10 - Sold the car, the house, and moved South. I can't imagine why
anyone in their freakin' mind would ever want to live in the God forsaken
HELL HOLE they call Iowa.
