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If you had a good friend who pretty clearly seemed to have a drinking problem would you tell them? If so how? Consider that they lie a good deal about how much they are drinking and are in denial.
Would you include their spouse in the discussion? Their spouse knows something is wrong but is unaware about most of the lying. I really hate confrontation. This is so not something I want to do.
We are supposed to go to the Caribbean with this couple in Feb. I am starting to dread this trip as it is an all inclusive and I am thinking the problem might come to a head here. I have decided that whenever we are with these friends I won't even have a sip of wine. I believe I am being used as an excuse for the drinking to the spouse or perhaps that it is being said that I drink more then I do so that the guilty person can conceal how much they drink.

I think you have to get the spouse and confront the person together, possibly with other friends.

Ignoring the problem won't make it go away, trust me.

(((OCG)))

I am worried that the spouse will react badly. I have known this couple for most of my adult life and they are very dear to me. However, there has been a good deal of stress in their lives. My friend claims her spouse has become unreasonable and changed and is cruel in some ways. I don't know whether this is true or it is all alcohol speaking here. I know her problems are being magnified by the drinking. I would never think her husband would not support her however you don't know anybody unless you live with them. Going to the spouse will mean betraying some confidences. However, i can hear my telling him leading to a conversation that says well Tina thinks you have a problem too.
Yet at my heart I believe I need to talk to the spouse and we should confront her together or we will both lose.

Ten years ago her son committed suicide after a long mental illness. During the fallout from this her 16yo daughter became pregnant and ran away with a 25yo creep. She has lived with the stress and fallout from these things since then and seemed to have been handling it well. However, now it seems that she just shoved it all inside.

Addicts always lie - it's the nature of addiction. Sometimes conforntation can really be unplesant so if you decide to confront this person realize they may just chunk your friendship away and be prepared to be estranged until this person "wakes up" and gets "sick and tired of being sick and tired".

To be honest - before I did a thing I'd attend some alanon and open AA meetings. You can gain guidance and understanding there. In order to not betray confidences I'd speak with her first.

Honestly? It sounds as if your friend needs professional help, more than you can give. If help wasn't sought out after the suicide and pregnancy then you're right, there's a need

Bottom line - you can't force someone to stop drinking or even realize they have a problem. They have to come to that discovery all on their own.

Honestly? It sounds as if your friend needs professional help, more than you can give. If help wasn't sought out after the suicide and pregnancy then you're right, there's

Help was sought. She was in counseling for some time after this and seemed to do very well.

Alcoholics will find ways to justify drinking, even if those justifications aren't true. This: "My friend claims her spouse has become unreasonable and changed and is cruel in some ways." sounds like a justification to me.

If there's depression involved (which is a big percentage of alcoholics), she's likely self-medicating to keep it at bay.

Alcoholism is a nasty thing. By ignoring the problem, you become an enabler. You might look up Al-anon groups or meetings in your area, they can help cope with friends or family members that are alcoholics.

OceanCityGirl wrote:

Honestly? It sounds as if your friend needs professional help, more than you can give. If help wasn't sought out after the suicide and pregnancy then you're right, there's

Help was sought. She was in counseling for some time after this and seemed to do very well.

maybe she needs a refresher? Is there someone in her family with a drinking or addiction problem (be it eating, shopping, drugs, drinking) sometimes it tends to run in families

SharkOnLand wrote:Alcoholics will find ways to justify drinking, even if those justifications aren't true. This: "My friend claims her spouse has become unreasonable and changed and is cruel in some ways." sounds like a justification to me.

If there's depression involved (which is a big percentage of alcoholics), she's likely self-medicating to keep it at bay.

Alcoholism is a nasty thing. By ignoring the problem, you become an enabler. You might look up Al-anon groups or meetings in your area, they can help cope with friends or family members that are alcoholics.

thanks for bringing up depression - it's not only prevelant in alcholics but also drug addicts.

ph4ever wrote:Bottom line - you can't force someone to stop drinking or even realize they have a problem. They have to come to that discovery all on their own.

While this is true, people need help realizing sometimes. You can't just ignore the problem and wait for them to come to the discovery.

SharkOnLand wrote:

ph4ever wrote:Bottom line - you can't force someone to stop drinking or even realize they have a problem. They have to come to that discovery all on their own.

While this is true, people need help realizing sometimes. You can't just ignore the problem and wait for them to come to the discovery.

you're correct. That beiing said it's been my experience that "hounding" them to seek help does no good at all. I don't know how many times I've heard "I know I have a problem and I want help" and yet no action was taken to obtain help. Threats don't work - they sometimes just push the person the other way. That's why I suggested alanon.

Can you bring in someone more neutral - perhaps a minister?

I had a good friend who had a drinking problem, at least in the eyes of the vast majority of people. He was always drinking and yet he functioned as well as most sober people. Unless you knew him, you probably wouldn't have guessed that he was always legally drunk. He had a decent marriage, not great but decent, a good job, lots of friends and was really fun to be around.

We talked about it repeatedly, along with his wife and his doctor and he maintained that he needed to be in that state of existence to survive. We finally got him to quit drinking late last year and he died this July. When I talked to him the morning before he passed away, he said that he really was hurting emotionally and that it was really hard not to have a drink to help deal with the pain.

He passed away in his sleep that night and according to the medical examiner it was his heart gave out.

I suspect that your friend is probably not to that stage of being a functional drunk and you don't want him to get to that point. However I do think you need to approach this with caution and be aware that there is some underlying cause that is leading him to a drinking problem.

Alcoholics will NOT stop or seek help until they are ready to do so..Period

However, Al-anon is wonderful place for family members...We went through it years ago with my dad.

All of ya'll are in my thoughts and Prayers...this is a very tough situation. I truly hope and pray for a happy ending.

ph4ever wrote:Addicts always lie - it's the nature of addiction. Sometimes conforntation can really be unplesant so if you decide to confront this person realize they may just chunk your friendship away and be prepared to be estranged until this person "wakes up" and gets "sick and tired of being sick and tired".

Had a friend in High School who was annorexic. None of her other friends would talk to her about it. She didn't speak to me for 6 years after I confronted her. She did finally get help and she it OK now. Would I have done it differently now? Absolutely. Would I not have done it? No. Life is too short for that.

I hope you figure out how best to help your friend. Nothing is worse than seeing someone you care about slipping away bit by bit.

OceanCityGirl wrote:I am worried that the spouse will react badly.

Are you saying that the non-alcoholic spouse might react badly to intervention? That sounds like they are enabling each other.

This is just me but I wouldn't book a vacation with a couple (or even family) if I thought them being there would have a negative impact on my enjoyment. I would say something to the person alone not as a preachy thing but as advice. Suggest cutting back or even seeking assistance. Addictions are tough. Fortunately my only similar situation was combating stupidity. I had to confront a BIL that wanted to go gambling with me. Of course this was after my wife and I bought baby formula and 200 gallons of fuel oil for his family.

ph4ever wrote:Addicts always lie - it's the nature of addiction. Sometimes conforntation can really be unplesant so if you decide to confront this person realize they may just chunk your friendship away and be prepared to be estranged until this person "wakes up" and gets "sick and tired of being sick and tired".

To be honest - before I did a thing I'd attend some alanon and open AA meetings. You can gain guidance and understanding there. In order to not betray confidences I'd speak with her first.

Honestly? It sounds as if your friend needs professional help, more than you can give. If help wasn't sought out after the suicide and pregnancy then you're right, there's a need

Bottom line - you can't force someone to stop drinking or even realize they have a problem. They have to come to that discovery all on their own.

Well said Connie!!!



((((((((((((((OCG)))))))))))))) best of luck to you! it is not an easy position to be in....i have been there!

flipflopgirl wrote:

ph4ever wrote:Addicts always lie - it's the nature of addiction. Sometimes conforntation can really be unplesant so if you decide to confront this person realize they may just chunk your friendship away and be prepared to be estranged until this person "wakes up" and gets "sick and tired of being sick and tired". In my experience they have to reach "Rock Bottom" or at least have a glimps of what Rock Bottom looks like for them to realize that they have a problem and that only they can do something about it..... and yes you may become estranged from them, however if they do admit to them selves they have a problem and commit to change, they will also realize how important what you did is/was and this will strngthen your relationship (relaize though that that does not always happen....)
To be honest - before I did a thing I'd attend some alanon and open AA meetings. You can gain guidance and understanding there. In order to not betray confidences I'd speak with her first. Agreed, AA, Alanon or professional substance abuse councellors are a must to understand the process.....
Honestly? It sounds as if your friend needs professional help, more than you can give. If help wasn't sought out after the suicide and pregnancy then you're right, there's a need ....Again, seek out professional advice and help in organizing your efforts...you can't do it alone and you will find that you are not the only one who has noticed.....
Bottom line - you can't force someone to stop drinking or even realize they have a problem. They have to come to that discovery all on their own. Again...they have to see the bottom or beiefly go there AND realize they are there due to their own actions.....addicts are famous for transfering blame to everyone/thing but themselves.....

Well said Connie!!!



((((((((((((((OCG)))))))))))))) best of luck to you! it is not an easy position to be in....i have been there!

I too have walked this line... (my comments above in red..) best of luck to you and your friend.....

Skibo wrote:This is just me but I wouldn't book a vacation with a couple (or even family) if I thought them being there would have a negative impact on my enjoyment. I would say something to the person alone not as a preachy thing but as advice. Suggest cutting back or even seeking assistance. Addictions are tough. Fortunately my only similar situation was combating stupidity. I had to confront a BIL that wanted to go gambling with me. Of course this was after my wife and I bought baby formula and 200 gallons of fuel oil for his family.

Agreed totally. Life's too darn short. You may not be able to do anything about their drinking; you *do* control how much time you spend around them. And a vacation will bring out stuff that years of friendship, or even marriage, often doesn't.

How sad, phin power to help guide you in how to approach this.