Taser Fun

[urlcenter]

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:


Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
Sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was
looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was
a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? WAY TOO
COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded
two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc
of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the
face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give
this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser
in another. The directions said that a one-second
burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground
like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be
wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about
5'long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
(loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no
possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, 'don't do it *****,' reasoning that a one second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the
prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD...
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had
never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace,
obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over
the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap
yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be
considered conservative?
IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally
was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My
face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed
88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself,
but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a
faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still
looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe
return!!

[TropicalTroubador]

Darwin Award candidate.

[parrothead3282]

This made me laugh so hard I was crying!

[pair8head]

Darwin Award candidate.

Not if he lived to tell about it.

[Gooney Bird]

"Don't care if it is true 'cause I love it so well."

[creola51]

NOW THAT IS ONE OF THE FUNNIEST THINGS I HAVE HEARD---I KNOW IT MUST HAVE BEEN TORTURE----THANKS FOR SHARING

[TropicalTroubador]

Darwin Award candidate.

Not if he lived to tell about it.

Actually, if he's "still looking for" his nuts, he *is*. Death is not required for a Darwin Award; loss of the ability to reproduce *is*.

http://www.darwinawards.com/rules/rules1.html