Who has a lot of experience with dying?

[buffettbride]

My dad is dying from bile duct cancer that has metastasized into his liver. He's opted not to do chemo treatments since chemo would only add 2 months to the 6 months (now 4) he has, and would greatly impact his (already quite uncomfortable) quality of life. Outside of something extraordinary, it is unlikely that we'll have him through the summer.

Here's the deal. I'm not entirely close with my dad. He and my stepmom are not great communicators and, unless you ask the questions, they don't offer a lot of information and they really aren't dealing with things right now. I know my dad hasn't made any funeral plans and shows no real interest in doing so. They have met with hospice, but I have no idea what the status of all that is. I know there are a lot of arrangements we (by we I mean my sisters and step sister) can and want to make in advance. They also have quite a large estate to settle to ensure my stepmom has the resources to live once dad is gone. I would really like to know what things they need to sell and what things they want set aside for the kids and all that stuff.

What would help me out the most is to know what I should be doing right now. I've offered my help and we go up to visit him (he's about 4 hours away) every three weeks. There's just not a lot they seem to need as the car club and neighbors are helping keep up the 2 acres of lawn they have.

Really, I have no idea what I should be doing, but it seems like we inch closer to that expiration date each day, with more and more undone, and I'm becoming concerned.

So, who knows a lot about dying?

[springparrot]

I have nothing to tell you, but
(((Mallory and Family))))

[buffettbride]

I have nothing to tell you, but
(((Mallory and Family))))

Thanks Miss Molly.

[springparrot]

I have nothing to tell you, but
(((Mallory and Family))))

Thanks Miss Molly.

I lost my Daddy a few years ago, but it was quick and unexpected, so I can't relate to what you are going through.
But know we are all here for you any time.

[lime rickie]

Mallory, i'm very sorry to hear this. Thoughts and prayers with you.

My mom died of breast cancer in 2001. After battling bravely for five years, she also made the decision to forego additional chemo and treatment for the last months of her life. She already had a will and had made her cremation wishes known. She was very much at peace with her decisions and she used those last eight months to put her affairs in order, writing letters to friends and children and giving away precious possessions to those who could most appreciate them.

What did we do? We visited often, took care of my dad, encouraged her to close out her affairs and supported her decisions. We read to her, went through photos and mementos, listened to music, ran errands, even slept on the floor by her bed many nights. Brought her some favorite treats, especially black and white cookies from NYC. Spending time is the most precious thing you can do for him. You will cherish that time and those memories and he and your stepmom will be forever grateful. And the hospice nurses were truly some of the most beautiful human beings I have ever known, they will be a source of strength and comfort for you.

[ph4ever]

Does he have a will? He should and if he doesn't it's imperative he gets one. The will should name an executator and it's the responsibility of the executator to carry out the terms of the will once it's probated.

As far as any funeral arrangements. It would be nice if he or your step mom would at least talk to y'all about their wishes. Funeral arrangements really aren't that big of a deal to make and are not time consuming. We made the arrangements for my dad in a matter of hours with one funeral in Texas, the body transported to Arkansas and another funeral in Arkansas. The one good thing about pre-arrangments is the ones left behind don't have to go thru the sales pitches on caskets, vaults and other arrangments while they are in grief. I swear the guy helping us with my dad's funeral reminded me of a used car salesman. Luckily the funeral home was the one my family has used for YEARS and I was able to put him in his place in true "Connie" fashion real quick and it didn't affect their handling of the arrangements in a negative way. I'm one of the mild ones in my dad's family.

[ph4ever]

oh and what LR suggested is about the best you can do right now

[ejr]

First of all, so sorry you are going through this. It is never an easy process, and it sounds like your dad may still be in denial about things.

It seems to me that you, or, preferably you and your sisters need to sit down with him and have a gentle, but firm conversation about things. Ask questions--about what he is facing, and what he wants to do--is there a living will, a DNR order, etc? Is he in pain. Are their things he would like to have with him, or people he would like to visit him, etc.

Then I think you can try to talk about whether he has a will and where it is, who is executor of the estate, and all of that sort of thing. Is there a lawyer to work with?

Having gone through much of this with my dad, it may also be important to emphasize that this is about honoring him and his wishes, and not about wanting to make sure that everyone gets what they want.

You may also want to get him to reflect some--I have friends who have taped or videotaped their parents telling family history-they value having the information, but they also really value having the oral and video record of their parent.

Let me know if there is anything I can do, or if you have any questions I might try to answer.

[SuperTrooper]

I hope he has a clear will. My wife's grandmother died without a will and the probate court took 6 years to settle it. Since he won't make plans the kids need to grab stepmom and go off to the funeral home and make some choices. Waiting till the last minute can drive up the price because noone is thinking clearly. Somebody has to take charge with seeing a lawyer or financial advisor to make sure the estate is handled properly.

Who is the executor?

[Frank4]

Enjoy your time that you have with him...phin power for your family

[Hockey Mon]

I had a really close friend of mine die about 15 years ago and he left me a ton of stuff. He was single, about 30 and living on his own. Things I learned/remember from that:
1. You probably want to find out what his wishes are for when the end is really near, ie does he want to have a DNR in place? To what extend does he want to be kept alive?
2. It's hard but ya gotta figure out what to do with their stuff. Is there any thing in particular he wants to give to someone? That right there will save you alot of headaches. You will find that you can get into the biggest arguments about the silliest things. For me, I got all bent out of shape about a vacuum cleaner of all things.
3. Try to take care of all the stuff before he dies. It's no fun to deal with it afterwards. I know you aren't that close but I remember times going over to my friends place and thinking "god damn it, he's dead and now I got clean up all his crap". Of course, I wasn't really angry at him, I was just p*** about the whole situation. I couldn't have really done alot *before* he died because that would be too weird (here, take this stuff even though he's not dead yet). Although, there was a point a couple of weeks before he died that things went downhill so we were sort of expecting it.
4. Do this stuff with other family members. It sucks doing it by yourself. And try to do it all at once, spend one 5 hour session rather than 5 one hour sessions.

I mainly remember the *stuff* part - his family took care of his medical expenses so I don't know what to do about that stuff. Lemme know if you have any questions.

[buffettbride]

Who is the executor?

I don't know if he has a will. If he has one, my stepmom is the executor (I know it isn't any of the kids) or possibly one of his brothers. My dad is extremely organized, so one would think he has one. But, we were all really surprised they hadn't looked arrangements for death, even before he got sick, because he is so organized. It wouldn't surprise me if he doesn't.

I got together with my stepsister last night and she is going up on Monday to have the "come to Jesus" meeting with them about how they can't just not make arrangements.

[springparrot]

Who is the executor?

I don't know if he has a will. If he has one, my stepmom is the executor (I know it isn't any of the kids) or possibly one of his brothers. My dad is extremely organized, so one would think he has one. But, we were all really surprised they hadn't looked arrangements for death, even before he got sick, because he is so organized. It wouldn't surprise me if he doesn't.

I got together with my stepsister last night and she is going up on Monday to have the "come to Jesus" meeting with them about how they can't just not make arrangements.

((((Mal))))

[C-Dawg]

Mal, sorry to hear about your dad. I can't answer any of your questions, but thought I might add something.
A friend of mine went thru something similar about 10 years ago. Their children were very young, so they began to take their camcorder when they went to visit their dad. They'd set it up in the corner and let it run. After awhile they forgot it was there, but at the end of their visit they'd have hours of footage, including time their dad spent reading to the infants, answering questions about his life.....etc. After their dad passed and they had time to grieve, they watched the footage and would write down what they wanted to keep. Then they took it somewhere and had it all put together. They made copies and gave it to all the siblings so their kids would remember their grandfather, and their kids could show it to their kids someday.
It might be something you'd be interested in doing.

I hope and pray your Dad's remaining days are filled with love and are painfree. Good luck to you and your family.

[pbans]

Get the book "Final Gifts"........

Mal, having experience with death is a lot like having experience with birth. There are similarities in every situation....but they are always vastly different.

I was with my Dad when he took his last breath.....it was in a hospital...noisy, distracting, traumatic and unpleasant.

I was with my Mom when she took her last breath....it was in my home and it was peaceful, calm, and yes.....even pleasant in a way.

Keep in touch with the hospice people......

Say the things YOU need to say, whether he hears them or accepts them. A big part of this is about YOU.....making peace with your relationship, walking past the past, allowing him to go in peace.

As far as taking care of stuff....honestly....not your responsibility. He's married, it's HER responsibility.....like it or not. You can encourage, suggest, cajole....whatever....to make sure she gets it done....but you can't do it.

My darling, make this about YOU......you are what is important in this equation. You need to come out of this in a better place. Learn from it and embrace it the best you can.

Dying is a journey.....help him how you can, but don't get sucked in to what can be the blackness of it.

[Coconuts]

Is he in Hospice care? I would try and get them to arrange that. They'll likely encourage the will, funeral arrangements, and make a DNR kind of moot.

Having a DNR is good, but letting the family know and agree to his wishes is more important. A DNR/living will isn't worth the paper it's printed on if the family decides to challenge it. Sure, you can go to court over it, but that just drags things out.

Hockey Mon, I can totally understand your feelings- if Tom and I died, there's a necklace, a ring and two watches that anyone else would care about.

[Hockey Mon]

Hockey Mon, I can totally understand your feelings- if Tom and I died, there's a necklace, a ring and two watches that anyone else would care about.

Thanks. All this stuff with my friend happened in 1994 and when my wife and I got married a few years later, we had wills done. We asked the laywer doing the will to put at the end to whom we want certain items to go to. He said that it's best to put that as a hand written addendum instead of writing it in. (So you can easily change it and don't have to get your will redone). So, we jotted down a couple of big ticket items (jewelry mostly) and who they should go to. You just never know what happens after you are gone and what people will want or think they deserve. And because emotions run high, people can get really bent out of shape about the stupidest things. To this day I can't believe I got like I did about a $50 vaacum cleaner. My friend did do a good job about divying up some of the bigger items (car, computer, tv). Those were some of the saddest days in my life...

[LIBuffettFan]

I'm sorry to hear of your situation. In having dealt with this with my parents I would agree that a trustworthy attorney would make the more complicated stuff much much easier. Making sure all the paperwork is in place and last wishes are documented is a great help. Also as you mentioned since your dealing with a significant estate you absolutley want to ensure this is taken care of. The lawyers can be helpful in adivising course of action, dealing with outstanding creditors and things like that. Again sorry for your the situation your family has found itself in.

[Tiki Bar]

(((Mal)))

I don't have a lot of experience with death, thankfully, but when my Mom was dying a couple years ago, this was quite helpful:

Tiki - I highly recommend a book called "Final Gifts". I can't tell you how much it helped me when I was in your place. Also, I've recommended it to a few others over the years, and they've all echoed my sentiments.

By far, the most helpful thing I read when my Mom was dying......I still pick it up from time to time and it still gives me great insight and comfort.....

It's going to be tough for you and your family, but I hope you can somehow get through it together as painlessly as possible. Communication and support amongst the family and close friends will go a long, long way for everyone.

And what everyone else is saying, and I'm so sorry it's your time to deal with this.

[buffettbride]

My darling, make this about YOU......you are what is important in this equation. You need to come out of this in a better place. Learn from it and embrace it the best you can.

Wow. That's the first time anyone ever really put it that way. If there was a "I'm really p*** because you were a non-parent in my life and now you're sorry and want me around to watch you die." phase of the grief cycle, that would be where I am.