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After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside ta...

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists... two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a revolver. "We must know that you will fo...

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on ...

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD! Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me...

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I Smelled so...

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the m...

Deep in the back woods of Tennessee, behind the Triton Bass Boat Plant, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold ...

Now, this is thinking on your feet.......Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek! Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She called the guy back, licks th...

Three Southerners and three Yankees are traveling by train to the Super Bowl. At the station, the three Northerners each buy a ticket and watch as the three Southerners buy just one ticket. "How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Yankees. "Watch ...

A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she wants. She says, "Now, in the living room, I'd like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad ...

A firefighter is working outside the station when he notices a little girl in a little red wagon with little ladders on the sides, a garden hose coiled in the middle, and wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter takes a closer look. "That...

THE REDHEADED LADY A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "That's strange," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, then pushes her an...

The Middle Wife How would you like to be this teacher? A grammar school teacher from Miami, remembers this Oscar-worthy birth tableau from one of her students... I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-...

The First Time" I'll never forget the first time I took it in my mouth... I fiercely tore open its prison walls. I was surprised when it slid out into my hand, but I quickly adapted to the feel of it in my hand. I held it gently, careful that it didn't melt under my touch before I could really ...

Mrs. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell her that her husband's been in a terrible automobile accident. She rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says her husband's been in an accident. They tell her Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out into the waitin...

Hillbillies to the Rescue! Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their own moonshine operations. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of t...

> This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. This won first prize. > > Christmas With Louise > As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa t...

THE STANCE My mother was a fanatic about public toilets. As a little girl, she'd bring me in the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat. Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, never sit on a public toilet seat."...

The Dayton Daily News published the winning entries in the Erma Bombeck Writing Competition. 1st place in the Humor category by Leigh Anne Jasheway of Eugene, Oregon "The First Time's Always the Worst" The first mammogram is the worst. Especially when the machine catches on fire. That's wh...

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband (sig other) that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in ...