Posted: April 8, 2002 5:33 pm
A List of Things that Northerners Think, But Rarely Say. People from the
> North have secret thoughts they don't share with the rest of the United
> States of America. And with good reason. We just don't like "y'all" that
> much. -By Curt Grumble
> 1. "Northerner" really means "Northeasterner."
> 2. And by "Northeasterner," we really mean people from
> Massachusetts,Connecticut, New York, New Jersey and Pennsylvania.
> 3. Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire or Rhode Island are nothing more than
> tiny, under-populated states packed with hicks. We have a strict "don't
> ask,
> don't tell" policy when it comes to what they do.
> 4. Rhode Island is Massachusetts' "little brother," always trying to
> outdo its larger sibling. Note to the rest of the United States: Rhode
> Islanders have the really thick accents.
> 5. We don't care about the Civil War. At all. We don't ever think about
> it, unless you bring it up. It's like the South is some bitter
> ex-girlfriend
> whining about a breakup from 100 years ago.
> 6. If pressed on the matter, we shrug and think "We won." Then we move
> on.
> 7. It scares us that the South actually feels like it should have won.
> I mean, if it won, then slavery is still around. Why aren't
> Southerners happy they lost? Okay, I suppose we're all sorry about
> Sherman.
> But still, without him, you'd have even more hick towns. You should thank
> us
> already and let it go. We're over it.
> 8. That said, we know the South has prettier girls. But ours are more
> promiscuous.
> 9. California is the only state that's in the "West." Everything else
> is "near California." And Oregon and Washington seem like the same place,
> but Idaho? We don't know what Idaho does, besides potatoes.
> 10. The real "South" is Alabama, the Carolinas and Georgia. Those states
> scare us deeply. Sort of like when the opening theme to "Unsolved
> Mysteries"
> kicks in. Same feeling.
> 11. Tennessee and Kentucky might as well be the same state for all we
> care. Don't they both have a Memphis?
> 12. Texas isn't part of the United States. It's just "Texas," land where
> everyone looks like Boss Hog. That's all we feel we need to know,
> honestly.
> Big hats. Boots. Oil. Cheerleaders.
> 13. A long drive is two hours. A short drive is 15 minutes. Anything
> over 4 hours requires a plane ticket. Period.
> 14. Midwestern is a synonym for "naive."
> 15. California is a synonym for "shallow." Los Angeles is where shallow
> people become famous. Hollywood is where the famous, shallow people get
> arrested for shoplifting or overdose in bars.
> 16. Florida is where old New Yorkers go to die. Las Vegas is where they
> feed.
> 17. And while we're here, Las Vegas is considered a Northern city, but
> Nevada is not part of the North. It's just like how you eat the banana and
> chuck the peel.
> 18. Southerners, just by the very sound of the accent, are always less
> intelligent. It's not our fault that they sound like Jolly Ranchers are
> stuck in their mouths. Fix that, get rid of the Confederate flag and maybe
> we'll take you seriously in something other than college football.
> 19. It's funny to watch people in the South drive in snow. They always
> panic.
> 20. Tornados and earthquakes aren't real. Are they? C'mon!
> 21. We have no idea why we'd ever go to Arkansas, New Mexico, Iowa,
> Idaho,
> Nebraska, Oklahoma, Montana, North Dakota, South Dakota, Kansas,
> Utah, Missouri and West Virginia. Nor do we have any urge to. We don't
> know
> anything that's there, aside from college teams we root against.
> 22. Sitcoms in New York City = funny.
> 23. Sitcoms set elsewhere = less funny.
> 24. What's in the Southwest? We're kinda curious.
> 25. There is no fundamental difference between South Dakota and North
> Dakota, or even South Carolina and North Carolina. Couldn't they come up
> with more original names at some point?
> 26. But Virginia and West Virginia? It's like George and Lenny in Of
> Mice and Men. Big scary difference.
> 27. Hawaii or Alaska aren't "real" states. They're like junior college
> transfer states. Washington D.C. is as far south as we feel we need to go.
> 28. Minnesota is a really strange place, ain't it? Prince, Gov. Jesse
> Ventura, Randy Moss. Frightening.
> 29. The Miss America pageant is rigged so that Massachusetts sends the
> ugliest girl in the history of the female gender. The last one looked like
> Ted Danson. Yes, really.
> 30. If a sport can be held at a country fair, then it's not a sport.
> Competitive cheerleading? Professional auto racing? Bull riding?
> Northern sports are played in arenas, centers, gardens and the occasional
> field.
> 31. We were never impressed by the Houston Astrodome.
> 32. Tanning isn't something that just happens, you know. It's a hobby.
> We need to work hard to get sunburns that require hospitalization.
> 33. The rest of the country has strange fast-food places and universally
> crappy pizza. Do they screw up the pizza on purpose because we show up?
> 34. Chicago is really part of the North, not the Midwest. We traded
> Pittsburgh and the rest of western Pennsylvania for it. Good deal when
> Pittsburgh was a steel town.
> 35. We can't label the Midwest on the map, but we know it when we see
> it.
> Mostly because it has freckles and a bowl cut. If it's female, it
> has on the tight sweater.
> 36. There's really no reason to see the rest of the country when
> everyone's always coming here. We'll see them when they show up in
> Philadelphia, Boston or New York.
> North have secret thoughts they don't share with the rest of the United
> States of America. And with good reason. We just don't like "y'all" that
> much. -By Curt Grumble
> 1. "Northerner" really means "Northeasterner."
> 2. And by "Northeasterner," we really mean people from
> Massachusetts,Connecticut, New York, New Jersey and Pennsylvania.
> 3. Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire or Rhode Island are nothing more than
> tiny, under-populated states packed with hicks. We have a strict "don't
> ask,
> don't tell" policy when it comes to what they do.
> 4. Rhode Island is Massachusetts' "little brother," always trying to
> outdo its larger sibling. Note to the rest of the United States: Rhode
> Islanders have the really thick accents.
> 5. We don't care about the Civil War. At all. We don't ever think about
> it, unless you bring it up. It's like the South is some bitter
> ex-girlfriend
> whining about a breakup from 100 years ago.
> 6. If pressed on the matter, we shrug and think "We won." Then we move
> on.
> 7. It scares us that the South actually feels like it should have won.
> I mean, if it won, then slavery is still around. Why aren't
> Southerners happy they lost? Okay, I suppose we're all sorry about
> Sherman.
> But still, without him, you'd have even more hick towns. You should thank
> us
> already and let it go. We're over it.
> 8. That said, we know the South has prettier girls. But ours are more
> promiscuous.
> 9. California is the only state that's in the "West." Everything else
> is "near California." And Oregon and Washington seem like the same place,
> but Idaho? We don't know what Idaho does, besides potatoes.
> 10. The real "South" is Alabama, the Carolinas and Georgia. Those states
> scare us deeply. Sort of like when the opening theme to "Unsolved
> Mysteries"
> kicks in. Same feeling.
> 11. Tennessee and Kentucky might as well be the same state for all we
> care. Don't they both have a Memphis?
> 12. Texas isn't part of the United States. It's just "Texas," land where
> everyone looks like Boss Hog. That's all we feel we need to know,
> honestly.
> Big hats. Boots. Oil. Cheerleaders.
> 13. A long drive is two hours. A short drive is 15 minutes. Anything
> over 4 hours requires a plane ticket. Period.
> 14. Midwestern is a synonym for "naive."
> 15. California is a synonym for "shallow." Los Angeles is where shallow
> people become famous. Hollywood is where the famous, shallow people get
> arrested for shoplifting or overdose in bars.
> 16. Florida is where old New Yorkers go to die. Las Vegas is where they
> feed.
> 17. And while we're here, Las Vegas is considered a Northern city, but
> Nevada is not part of the North. It's just like how you eat the banana and
> chuck the peel.
> 18. Southerners, just by the very sound of the accent, are always less
> intelligent. It's not our fault that they sound like Jolly Ranchers are
> stuck in their mouths. Fix that, get rid of the Confederate flag and maybe
> we'll take you seriously in something other than college football.
> 19. It's funny to watch people in the South drive in snow. They always
> panic.
> 20. Tornados and earthquakes aren't real. Are they? C'mon!
> 21. We have no idea why we'd ever go to Arkansas, New Mexico, Iowa,
> Idaho,
> Nebraska, Oklahoma, Montana, North Dakota, South Dakota, Kansas,
> Utah, Missouri and West Virginia. Nor do we have any urge to. We don't
> know
> anything that's there, aside from college teams we root against.
> 22. Sitcoms in New York City = funny.
> 23. Sitcoms set elsewhere = less funny.
> 24. What's in the Southwest? We're kinda curious.
> 25. There is no fundamental difference between South Dakota and North
> Dakota, or even South Carolina and North Carolina. Couldn't they come up
> with more original names at some point?
> 26. But Virginia and West Virginia? It's like George and Lenny in Of
> Mice and Men. Big scary difference.
> 27. Hawaii or Alaska aren't "real" states. They're like junior college
> transfer states. Washington D.C. is as far south as we feel we need to go.
> 28. Minnesota is a really strange place, ain't it? Prince, Gov. Jesse
> Ventura, Randy Moss. Frightening.
> 29. The Miss America pageant is rigged so that Massachusetts sends the
> ugliest girl in the history of the female gender. The last one looked like
> Ted Danson. Yes, really.
> 30. If a sport can be held at a country fair, then it's not a sport.
> Competitive cheerleading? Professional auto racing? Bull riding?
> Northern sports are played in arenas, centers, gardens and the occasional
> field.
> 31. We were never impressed by the Houston Astrodome.
> 32. Tanning isn't something that just happens, you know. It's a hobby.
> We need to work hard to get sunburns that require hospitalization.
> 33. The rest of the country has strange fast-food places and universally
> crappy pizza. Do they screw up the pizza on purpose because we show up?
> 34. Chicago is really part of the North, not the Midwest. We traded
> Pittsburgh and the rest of western Pennsylvania for it. Good deal when
> Pittsburgh was a steel town.
> 35. We can't label the Midwest on the map, but we know it when we see
> it.
> Mostly because it has freckles and a bowl cut. If it's female, it
> has on the tight sweater.
> 36. There's really no reason to see the rest of the country when
> everyone's always coming here. We'll see them when they show up in
> Philadelphia, Boston or New York.
