Irish Humor..
Posted: October 11, 2002 8:35 pm
MORE IRISH HUMOR
> > >
> > > Into a Belfast pub came Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been
> > > run over by a train. His arm was in a sling, his nose was broken,
> > his
> > > face was cut and bruised and he was walking with a limp.
> > >
> > > "What happened to you?" asked Sean, the bartender.
> > >
> > > "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," said Paddy.
> > >
> > > "That little s***, O'Conner," said Sean,
> > > "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
> > > "That he did," said Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
> > > lickin' he gave me with it."
> > >
> > > "Well," said Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you
> > > have something in your hand?"
> > >
> > > "That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
> > > beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
> > >
> > > ====================================
> > >
> > > Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from
> > > the pub late onenight and found themselves on the road which led
> > > past the old graveyard.
> > > "Come have a look over here," says Paddy,
> > > "It's the grave of Michael O'Grady from Cork, God bless his soul.
> > > He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
> > > "That's nothing", says Sean, "here's the grave of Patrick O'Tool
> > > from Limerick, it says here that he was 95 when he died."
> > > Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to
> > > be 145!"
> > > "What was his name?" asks Paddy?
> > > Shamus stumbled around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what
> > > else is written on the stone marker, and exclaimed,
> > > "Miles, from Dublin."
> > > ===================================
> > > An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from
> > > the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all
> > > over the road.
> > > A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where
> > > have ya been?"
> > > "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
> > > "Well," says the cop, "it looks like
> > > you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
> > > "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
> > > "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms
> > > across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out
> > > of your car?"
> > > "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought
> > > I'd gone deaf."
> > > ===================================
> > > Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan
> > > arrived at her door.
> > > "Brenda, may I come in?" he asked.
> > > "I've somethin'to tell ya."
> > > "Of course you can come in, you're always
> > > welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
> > >
> > > "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda.
> > > There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
> > > "Oh, God no!" cried Brenda.
> > > "Please don't tell me.."
> > >
> > > "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
> > >
> > > Finally, she looked up at Tim.
> > > "How did it happen, Tim?"
> > >
> > > "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and
> > > drowned."
> > >
> > > "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true,Tim. Did he at least
> > > go quickly?"
> > > "Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
> > > ==================================
> > > Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning
> > > service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary
> > > mydear?"
> > > She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.My husband passed away
> > > last night.
> > > "The priest said, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
> > > Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
> > > She said, "That he did, Father.."
> > > The priest said, "What did he ask, Mary?"
> > > She said, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
> > > ====================================
> > > A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth,
> > > sits down but says nothing.
> > >
> > > The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just
> > > sits there.
> > >
> > > Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
> > >
> > > The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this
> > > side either"
> > >
> > > Into a Belfast pub came Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been
> > > run over by a train. His arm was in a sling, his nose was broken,
> > his
> > > face was cut and bruised and he was walking with a limp.
> > >
> > > "What happened to you?" asked Sean, the bartender.
> > >
> > > "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," said Paddy.
> > >
> > > "That little s***, O'Conner," said Sean,
> > > "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
> > > "That he did," said Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
> > > lickin' he gave me with it."
> > >
> > > "Well," said Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you
> > > have something in your hand?"
> > >
> > > "That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
> > > beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
> > >
> > > ====================================
> > >
> > > Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from
> > > the pub late onenight and found themselves on the road which led
> > > past the old graveyard.
> > > "Come have a look over here," says Paddy,
> > > "It's the grave of Michael O'Grady from Cork, God bless his soul.
> > > He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
> > > "That's nothing", says Sean, "here's the grave of Patrick O'Tool
> > > from Limerick, it says here that he was 95 when he died."
> > > Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to
> > > be 145!"
> > > "What was his name?" asks Paddy?
> > > Shamus stumbled around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what
> > > else is written on the stone marker, and exclaimed,
> > > "Miles, from Dublin."
> > > ===================================
> > > An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from
> > > the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all
> > > over the road.
> > > A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where
> > > have ya been?"
> > > "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
> > > "Well," says the cop, "it looks like
> > > you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
> > > "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
> > > "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms
> > > across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out
> > > of your car?"
> > > "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought
> > > I'd gone deaf."
> > > ===================================
> > > Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan
> > > arrived at her door.
> > > "Brenda, may I come in?" he asked.
> > > "I've somethin'to tell ya."
> > > "Of course you can come in, you're always
> > > welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
> > >
> > > "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda.
> > > There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
> > > "Oh, God no!" cried Brenda.
> > > "Please don't tell me.."
> > >
> > > "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
> > >
> > > Finally, she looked up at Tim.
> > > "How did it happen, Tim?"
> > >
> > > "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and
> > > drowned."
> > >
> > > "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true,Tim. Did he at least
> > > go quickly?"
> > > "Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
> > > ==================================
> > > Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning
> > > service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary
> > > mydear?"
> > > She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.My husband passed away
> > > last night.
> > > "The priest said, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
> > > Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
> > > She said, "That he did, Father.."
> > > The priest said, "What did he ask, Mary?"
> > > She said, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
> > > ====================================
> > > A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth,
> > > sits down but says nothing.
> > >
> > > The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just
> > > sits there.
> > >
> > > Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
> > >
> > > The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this
> > > side either"
