Dear Alcohol
Posted: August 8, 2003 1:33 pm
Dear Alcohol,
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. Your
many dimensions are mind boggling (different than beer goggling, which
I'll touch upon shortly). Yes, my friend, you always seem to be there
when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game, and
you're even around in the holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm
us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. Yet
lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to
believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your
influence has led to some unwise consequences, briefed below for your
review.
1. Phone calls:While I agree with you that communication is important,
I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity
takes place after 2am.
2. Eating:Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cooking is far
from my specialty, why you suggested that I eat a kabob with chili
sauce, coupled with pot noodles and some stale chips (washed down with
chocolate nesquik and topped off with a Kit Kat all after a few cheese
curls and chili cheese fries) is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, but I
think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness:Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do
more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home
by causing me to fall down. Completely unnecessary. Similarly, it
should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key
into the lock.
4. Pictures:This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify
the last point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever
being placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows,
ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic
cones, bras.
5. Beer Goggles:If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most
likely do not. Please do not request that I go over and see if in fact,
I do actually know that person. The phrase 'let's F***' is illegal from
now on. While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the
brain-to-mouth-block that would stop this thought from becoming a
statement, especially in public.
Furthermore, the hangovers have GOT to stop. Now, I know a little
penance for our previous evenings debauchery may be in order, but the
2pm-hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. I ask that, if the
proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products,
aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a
bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere
with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day for that matter)
activities. Come on now, it's only fair -- you do your part, I'll do mine.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like
to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of
great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion
when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.
In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my
grievances above and address them immediately.
I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour)
on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful
partnership.
Thank you,
Your biggest fan
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. Your
many dimensions are mind boggling (different than beer goggling, which
I'll touch upon shortly). Yes, my friend, you always seem to be there
when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game, and
you're even around in the holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm
us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. Yet
lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to
believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your
influence has led to some unwise consequences, briefed below for your
review.
1. Phone calls:While I agree with you that communication is important,
I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity
takes place after 2am.
2. Eating:Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cooking is far
from my specialty, why you suggested that I eat a kabob with chili
sauce, coupled with pot noodles and some stale chips (washed down with
chocolate nesquik and topped off with a Kit Kat all after a few cheese
curls and chili cheese fries) is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, but I
think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness:Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do
more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home
by causing me to fall down. Completely unnecessary. Similarly, it
should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key
into the lock.
4. Pictures:This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify
the last point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever
being placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows,
ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic
cones, bras.
5. Beer Goggles:If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most
likely do not. Please do not request that I go over and see if in fact,
I do actually know that person. The phrase 'let's F***' is illegal from
now on. While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the
brain-to-mouth-block that would stop this thought from becoming a
statement, especially in public.
Furthermore, the hangovers have GOT to stop. Now, I know a little
penance for our previous evenings debauchery may be in order, but the
2pm-hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. I ask that, if the
proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products,
aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a
bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere
with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day for that matter)
activities. Come on now, it's only fair -- you do your part, I'll do mine.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like
to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of
great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion
when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.
In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my
grievances above and address them immediately.
I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour)
on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful
partnership.
Thank you,
Your biggest fan
