Ways To Avoid A Good Southern Ass Whuppin

A1A BOUND · Post by **A1A BOUND** » March 18, 2004 11:06 am

Ways To Avoid A Good Southern Ass Whuppin: Issued by the Southern Tourism
Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners, North-easterners, North-westerners,
Westerners and Southwestern Urbanites

1. Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get
your ass kicked.

2. Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just
a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they
know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

3. We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up.
Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.

4. Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's
called Coke. Nobody gives a flying rat's ass whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr.
Pepper, 7-Up or whatever... it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise
can lead to an ass kicking.

5. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you
(e.g.Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a
lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies or we'll kick your
ass.

6. We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Sam
Walton, Oprah, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape).
Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g. John
Edwards, Al Gore, Bill Clinton, David Duke). We don't care if you think we
are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order
to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick his/her
ass.

7. Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to
Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the
middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you
visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

8. Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Luther, Tammy Lynn, Inez,
Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your ass.

9. Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly
know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended with gravy.
And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.

10. Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know
better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit, Chicago,
and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta
or US Airways is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets
kicked.

11. Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we
don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we
are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's
all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.

12. Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes
or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty,
we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.

13. Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold
doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things
are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little
gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just
like they did ours.

14. So you think we're quaint, or losers, because most of us live in the
countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy,
smelly, crime infested cesspools like New York, Baltimore or Boston. Make
fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

15. Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to
cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked).
You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and
you will go home in a pine box... minus your ass.

THANK YOU! Rethink your business approach for the new year with the helpful
tips here.

Desdamona · Post by **Desdamona** » March 18, 2004 11:22 am

Hey!

Quit trying to take all the fun out of being a Southener!
If you teach too many damyankees this stuff we won't have any
civilized excuse to kick their asses!!! Second to mudbogging, that's
everyone's favorite sport around my neck of the woods.

BoozeInTheBlender · Post by **BoozeInTheBlender** » March 18, 2004 11:32 am

Is number 15 a joke?? You obviously haven't been to KC. We have the best BBQ in the world. We have the American Royal BBQ contest here. Do the names Ollie Gates, Arthur Bryants, KC Masterpiece, Haywards, Zarda's, Wyandotte, Smokehouse, Oklahoma Joe's or LC's ring a bell. Perhaps you southerners should come here for some real BBQ!!

phjrsaunt · Post by **phjrsaunt** » March 18, 2004 11:39 am

Desdamona wrote:Hey! Quit trying to take all the fun out of being a Southener!
If you teach too many damyankees this stuff we won't have any
civilized excuse to kick their asses!!! Second to mudbogging, that's
everyone's favorite sport around my neck of the woods.

12vmanRick · Post by **12vmanRick** » March 18, 2004 11:41 am

BoozeInTheBlender wrote:Is number 15 a joke?? You obviously haven't been to KC. We have the best BBQ in the world. We have the American Royal BBQ contest here. Do the names Ollie Gates, Arthur Bryants, KC Masterpiece, Haywards, Zarda's, Wyandotte, Smokehouse, Oklahoma Joe's or LC's ring a bell. Perhaps you southerners should come here for some real BBQ!!

FYI.. nobody came to this country and setting in KC so who you think BBQed first ? The South Eastern states

Desdamona · Post by **Desdamona** » March 18, 2004 11:45 am

BoozeInTheBlender wrote:Is number 15 a joke??

HHhhmmmm... Sounds like somebody's
asking to get theirs kicked. Around here,
we don't even like Tennessee-style BBQ.

AlbatrossFlyer · Post by **AlbatrossFlyer** » March 18, 2004 12:00 pm

sorry, been to KC i'll take memphis BBQ first....

pair8head · Post by **pair8head** » March 18, 2004 12:01 pm

You wanna talk joke????

There's a place here in Washington that calls itself Longhorn BBQ. When They started building in Auburn I thought to myself. Self this is gonna be good. No such luck. It sucks big time. They have the audacity to call themselves BBQ and serve the sauce on the side. And it isn't even a good sauce.

citcat · Post by **citcat** » March 18, 2004 12:06 pm

SAUCE? Oh man that's bad....dry rub is the ONLY way to do BBQ. And that's a fact, bubba.

Gosh now I want to go out and whoop somebody.

rednekkPH · Post by **rednekkPH** » March 18, 2004 12:45 pm

BoozeInTheBlender wrote:Is number 15 a joke?? You obviously haven't been to KC. We have the best BBQ in the world. We have the American Royal BBQ contest here. Do the names Ollie Gates, Arthur Bryants, KC Masterpiece, Haywards, Zarda's, Wyandotte, Smokehouse, Oklahoma Joe's or LC's ring a bell. Perhaps you southerners should come here for some real BBQ!!

Sorry to burst your bubble, but I've had BBQ just about everywhere worth trying, and honestly feel that KC contributes as much to the world of BBQ as Yugo did to the world of fine automobiles.

This comes from a completely impartial yankee, with no ties to any of these regions.

ph4ever · Post by **ph4ever** » March 18, 2004 1:13 pm

rednekkPH wrote:
BoozeInTheBlender wrote:Is number 15 a joke?? You obviously haven't been to KC. We have the best BBQ in the world. We have the American Royal BBQ contest here. Do the names Ollie Gates, Arthur Bryants, KC Masterpiece, Haywards, Zarda's, Wyandotte, Smokehouse, Oklahoma Joe's or LC's ring a bell. Perhaps you southerners should come here for some real BBQ!!
Sorry to burst your bubble, but I've had BBQ just about everywhere worth trying, and honestly feel that KC contributes as much to the world of BBQ as Yugo did to the world of fine automobiles.

This comes from a completely impartial yankee, with no ties to any of these regions.

There is no place north of the Mason Dixon line that can cook BBQ as good as southerners. Now someone load that shotgun........

rednekkPH · Post by **rednekkPH** » March 18, 2004 1:21 pm

ph4ever wrote:There is no place north of the Mason Dixon line that can cook BBQ as good as southerners. Now someone load that shotgun........

I agree completely. Hell, if someone here offers you a BBQ, what you are getting is what the rest of the world calls a sloppy joe sandwich. Some of my best friends, and alot of the best cooks I have ever known, are from the deep South. I make it a point to go down at least a few times a year. Besides, ya just can't get good shine in PA

phjrsaunt · Post by **phjrsaunt** » March 18, 2004 1:38 pm

If you wanna get a Southerner riled up, start talking about BBQ.

(I can say that because I AM as Southerner)

A1A BOUND · Post by **A1A BOUND** » March 18, 2004 1:59 pm

I MUST CLARIFY THIS TO THE YANKEES. BBQ IS SLOW COOKED PORK SHOULDER. NOT EVERY TIME YOU COOK OUT SIDE. THAT IS CALLED GRILLING OUT.

Desdamona · Post by **Desdamona** » March 18, 2004 2:15 pm

A1A BOUND wrote:I MUST CLARIFY THIS TO THE YANKEES. BBQ IS SLOW COOKED PORK SHOULDER. NOT EVERY TIME YOU COOK OUT SIDE. THAT IS CALLED GRILLING OUT.

Don't tell our Texas PH's about that.
BBQ pork does not exist in the state.
(And yes, phriends, Texas is just a state!

)

A1A BOUND · Post by **A1A BOUND** » March 18, 2004 2:19 pm

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!!

Desdamona · Post by **Desdamona** » March 18, 2004 2:24 pm

About the lack of pork, or the "not a country" issue?

12vmanRick · Post by **12vmanRick** » March 18, 2004 2:30 pm

I know this Corky's BBQ in Memphis ROCKS!! I have also had KC Masterpiece AT KC and it's not that great.

A1A BOUND · Post by **A1A BOUND** » March 18, 2004 2:31 pm

ABOUT NO PORK

ph4ever · Post by **ph4ever** » March 18, 2004 3:24 pm

Desdamona wrote:
A1A BOUND wrote:I MUST CLARIFY THIS TO THE YANKEES. BBQ IS SLOW COOKED PORK SHOULDER. NOT EVERY TIME YOU COOK OUT SIDE. THAT IS CALLED GRILLING OUT.
Don't tell our Texas PH's about that.
BBQ pork does not exist in the state.
(And yes, phriends, Texas is just a state! )

BBQ is BEEF!!!!!! Slow cooked over mesquite.

I always thought Texas was it's own nation!!!

Born Texan here btw........