New Work Rules
Posted: April 8, 2004 9:44 pm
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FROM: MANAGEMENT
Memorandum
Dear Staff,
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci Bag we assume
that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a
raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so
that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need a raise.
PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturday and Sunday.
LUNCH BREAKS:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that
they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to gat a
balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the
time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill
SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of
sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to
work.
RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.
There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of
three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract,
the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your
second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board
under the "Chronic Offender" category.
SURGERY: As long as you are employee here, you need all your organs.
You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To
have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input
should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week
FROM: MANAGEMENT
Memorandum
Dear Staff,
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci Bag we assume
that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a
raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so
that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need a raise.
PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturday and Sunday.
LUNCH BREAKS:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that
they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to gat a
balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the
time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill
SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of
sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to
work.
RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.
There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of
three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract,
the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your
second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board
under the "Chronic Offender" category.
SURGERY: As long as you are employee here, you need all your organs.
You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To
have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input
should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week
