At least I enjoyed it....
A Night at the Movies...
4/12/04
By Jon Brantz
Last evening, my sidekick/roommate, Evan, and I decided that we wanted to skip the usual Sunday night tradition of chicken dumplings and Sopranos, and opt for Tom Hanks and The Ladykillers. Fortunately, Ladykillers was playing too late for my Sunday night bedtime of 10:01 (I'll explain why it was fortunate in a minute). With Ladykillers no longer an option, we were left with either The Girl Next Door or the Passion of the Christ. Gee, naked hot p*** stars or a carpenter getting the p*** beat out of him by Jew devils... tough choice. Surprisingly, The Girl Next Door was excellent. It was created by the same guys that did Van Wilder ("mmmm, they're still warm"), and is basically a modern-day Risky Business. It was a non-stop laugher. But that isn't why I am writing. I don't do movie reviews. No, I'm here today, because it is my duty to publicize what took place before the previews even began.
As Evan and I are about to give our tickets to the ticket-taker-lady, I spot the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in a very long time (editor's note: I realize the last line - most beautiful woman I have ever seen in a very long time - is a contradiction. I chose to keep it in trusting that Jon left it there for its subtle comedic value. Didn't you Jon?). Me, being the extremely horny, perverted, and heterosexual man that I am (the jury is still out on that third adjective), say to Evan, "Oh my God, I think that is Brooke Burke." Her body was like nothing I have ever seen (in a very long time). It made Pam Anderson look like Chad Zarett. Of course, Evan's response is, "Yeah, but look at that tool she is with." We can only see the back of this tool because he is paying for gummy bears and a medium Hi-C. We wiped the drool from our mouths (me, from the girl - Evan from just being Evan), and proceeded into the packed theatre with time to spare before the previews.
We sat down and, Evan being Evan, he insists that he has to get up and walk around. He suggests that he go fetch us some drinks and popcorn, on him. OK Eeves, whatever makes you calm down. As Evan walks out, in walks Brooke Burke/Pam Anderson/Not Chad Zarett. I immediately start to sweat (nothing unusual for me, as any ex-girlfriend of mine or patron of Maloney's can attest). But wait, right behind her is that toolbox boyfriend of hers. He looks Puerto Rican, I think to myself. I have nothing against Puerto Ricans. My entire college was Puerto Rican.
They walk in front of the screen, and then come back to my side of the theatre, opting to sit 2 seats from me on the aisle. I think three things immediately: 1) She is so hot, how did this guy score her: 2) Jon, stop sweating; and 3) How in the hell did these two find two aisle seats on a Sunday night in Manhattan?
I decide it's time to get a better look at her. I go with one of my classic staring techniques: I turn around as if I am looking behind her to see something, and then when she thinks I am looking behind her, I stare at her like a serial-rapist on parole. Wow, now I am really sweating. She is so hot. Like movie-star, model, not Chad Zarett hot. Time to check out her tool boyfriend. He is much closer to me than she is. He knew I was checking his girl out. He would have to be blind not to. Seriously. I turn my head to the right, and we lock eyes.
HELLO, DEREK JETER.
Now I feel like a 15 year-old girl at a Brittany Spears concert. Forget the hot b*tch. THAT'S DEREK JETER!!!! Immediately, I could think of 5 questions I wanted to ask Derek: 1) How in the hell did you lose to the Marlins? 2) How in the hell did you lose to the Diamond Backs? 3) Was Ladykillers your first choice tonight as well? 4) Who is the toughest pitcher you ever faced? 5) You could have Pam Anderson right now if you wanted, couldn't you? Bastard.
Evan has yet to come back yet from the concession stand. It's pretty safe to say that I need a bath towel to wipe the sweat down at this point. About 5 minutes later, Evan walks back with so much food, he looks like he just won a shopping spree at BJ's with Marsha. He had popcorn falling everywhere, Dr. Pepper spilling on his shirt, and he was drooling! He hadn't even seen Jeter yet!! I get his attention as he is walking up the stairs with his mountain of food. I am in convulsions in my seat, pointing at Jeter and mouthing, "Jeee-Ter, Jeee-Ter, Jeee-Ter, Jeee-Ter." He looks at me as if I am a serial-rapist, wondering what in the hell is the matter with me. Finally as he gets to the row, he realizes that Brook/Pam is sitting on the aisle. "Big Deal, Brantz", is the look he gives me as he is about to spill 4 pounds of buttered popcorn on the best baseball player on the planet.
Now, Jeter's legs are like iron pillars; they are gigantic. There is no way can Evan get by without DJ moving for Evan. Evan being Evan (already in pain from the weight of his food), says, "Dude, move out of my way before I spill this all over you!" Jeter politely pulls his pillars back, so Evan can get by him. Evan being Evan, looks at him with a look of "thanks for nothing, a-hole", as he is making eye contact. Evan's reaction to his realization that he is being a p**** to Derek Jeter is tough to describe without imitating it. Does everyone remember the reaction they had when Glenn Sharpe was called for pass interference in the '02 Fiesta Bowl, giving the Ohio State F*ckeyes the Title? Maybe not. Shock cannot describe Evan's face. Deer in headlights? Not even close. Seeing a ghost? Closer. You get the point. All Evan can say is, "What's up dude?" Jeter nods his head in acknowledgment. Evan just tripped over Derek Jeter, almost spilled popcorn on him, and had Jeter make way for him, and all he can say is, "WHAT'S UP DUDE"?!!!!
Once the drool had dried and Evan stopped saying Oh My God for 10 minutes, we decided what we were going to do next. Keep in mind, no one else, as far as we could tell, even knew he was in there. Evan had a few ingenious comments for me like, "Jon, he is really good at baseball," and, "Jon, he has Michael Jordan's cell phone number". Picture this: During all 45 minutes of the previews, Evan and I are gulping Hi-C, eating mountains of popcorn, and staring not at the screen, but turned completely to our right staring at Jeter in the dark, silent theatre. We watched his every move, as if he were the previews! After the preview for the Alamo, I wanted to ask him, "Derek, are you interested in seeing that next Sunday? That is after your double-header against Anaheim. I hear Billy Bob Thorton plays an excellent Davy Crockett. I'll wait for you at Starbuck's across the street."
What are we going to do? We came up with a few ideas: 1) A "Derek Jeter is gay" shout-out; 2) A "Let's go Yankees" chant; or perhaps 3) just being mature, not star-struck, and watching the movie. But hey, we love sports, and this is an icon we are sitting next to here. So we go with none of the above.
One of us stands up (I will not say who), tub of popcorn in hand, and yells,
"I guarantee I can strike out anyone in this entire theater!"
Brook/Pam found it funny, and Derek kept playing on his blackberry/cell phone/mp3 player/nuclear bomb device in his palm.
Life is all about the memories. Thankfully, Ladykillers was playing too late for me.
Here's a funny story
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st.somewhere
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Ilph
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I dunno, some guy who has a website. I found it as a link off of collegehumor.com I'm not smart enough to track these things down on my own.st.somewhere wrote:Nothing like smooooth writing that flows. It actually makes reading fun!!!
That was a great story!!! Thanks Ilph!! Now, who the heck is Jon Brantz?