Pros and Cons of Kerry VPs
Posted: May 29, 2004 1:32 pm
From McSweeney's.com
P R O S A N D C O N S O F
J O H N K E R R Y ' S
T O P T W E N T Y
V I C E - P R E S I D E N T I A L
C A N D I D A T E S
BY JOHN MOE
- - - -
1. John Edwards, Senator, North Carolina
Pro: Charismatic public speaker
Con: Not likely to deliver home state, may outshine Kerry
2. John McCain, Senator, Arizona
Pro: Independent thinker, veteran, may draw Republican votes
Con: Is a Republican, disagrees with Kerry on most things
3. Bob Kerrey, former Senator, Nebraska
Pro: As 9/11 Commission member, earned reputation as tough but fair
Con: May be considered nepotism for John Kerry to nominate his own brother
4. Bill Clinton, former President
Pro: Oh man, that would be awesome—could you imagine? He'd be all like Yeah, I'm back, so s*** on this, y'all and everyone would be all No way and he'd be all Way
Con: None
5. Bob Graham, Senator, Florida
Pro: Decades-long career as America's most popular evangelist could deliver Christians and conservatives
Con: Invented the graham cracker, which, frankly, isn't that great
6. Max Cleland, former Senator, Georgia
Pro: Close Kerry confidant, fellow Vietnam vet
Con: Got ass kicked by a guy named "Saxby"
7. Paul Tsongas, former Senator, Massachusetts
Pro: Fiscal conservative, appeal could cross party lines
Con: From same state as Kerry, died in 1997
8: H. Ross Perot, businessman, Texas
Pro: Hilarity
Con: None
9. No one; anywhere
Pro: Would allow voters to concentrate on Kerry
Con: Would not deliver a state, raise money, or do anything, due to lack of existence
10. Nancy Pelosi, Representative and House Minority Leader, California
Pro: Could lure disenchanted liberal voters who might otherwise go with Nader
Con: As a liberal, hates America, would make religion illegal, raise taxes by 500 percent, move Capitol to France
11. Blanche Lincoln, Senator, Arkansas
Pro: Combines best elements of Blanche DuBois and Abraham Lincoln
Con: No Democrat from Arkansas has ever won national election
12. Bob Menendez, Representative, New Jersey
Pro: Could solidify shaky support in New Jersey, lure Latino voters
Con: Along with brother Lyle, murdered parents
13. Dan Quayle, former Senator, Indiana
Pro: Possessed of Robert Redford-style good looks, energetic
Con: None
14. Ann Coulter, columnist
Pro: Flattering position would silence her exposing of the true evil liberal agenda
Con: Is composed entirely of spiders and deadly snakes writhing beneath a latex "skin"
15. Shaquille O'Neal, basketball player, California
Pro: Can clog up the middle, blocks shots, requires alteration of opposing team's game plan
Con: Free-throw shooting still an issue, recalcitrant
16. Joseph Biden, Senator, Delaware
Pro: Articulate speaker, respected among Democratic leadership
Con: Delaware is a protectorate, not a state, therefore constitutionally ineligible
17. Ashton Kutcher, actor, California
Pro: Could "punk" Bush campaign with crazy pranks, make them think their president plane got stoled, and then he could yell "Punk'd!" and it would be funny
Con: Sucks
18. A big pile of fudge; all over
Pro: Tasty, particularly enjoyed by women and increasingly obese nation
Con: Perishable, nonsentient, lackluster in debates and speeches
19. Fourteen dogs from Ohio; Ohio
Pro: Everyone loves dogs, each dog could be different, like one's a mean dog and one's a cute dog and one wears glasses and looks like a computer-whiz dog, could deliver swing state
Con: So many dogs could mean diluted message, can't talk
20. Jesus, Messiah, Nazareth
Pro: Would put Bush in uncomfortable position of attacking his personal Lord and Savior, could redefine Christianity instantly for political gain, likable
Con: Mythical
P R O S A N D C O N S O F
J O H N K E R R Y ' S
T O P T W E N T Y
V I C E - P R E S I D E N T I A L
C A N D I D A T E S
BY JOHN MOE
- - - -
1. John Edwards, Senator, North Carolina
Pro: Charismatic public speaker
Con: Not likely to deliver home state, may outshine Kerry
2. John McCain, Senator, Arizona
Pro: Independent thinker, veteran, may draw Republican votes
Con: Is a Republican, disagrees with Kerry on most things
3. Bob Kerrey, former Senator, Nebraska
Pro: As 9/11 Commission member, earned reputation as tough but fair
Con: May be considered nepotism for John Kerry to nominate his own brother
4. Bill Clinton, former President
Pro: Oh man, that would be awesome—could you imagine? He'd be all like Yeah, I'm back, so s*** on this, y'all and everyone would be all No way and he'd be all Way
Con: None
5. Bob Graham, Senator, Florida
Pro: Decades-long career as America's most popular evangelist could deliver Christians and conservatives
Con: Invented the graham cracker, which, frankly, isn't that great
6. Max Cleland, former Senator, Georgia
Pro: Close Kerry confidant, fellow Vietnam vet
Con: Got ass kicked by a guy named "Saxby"
7. Paul Tsongas, former Senator, Massachusetts
Pro: Fiscal conservative, appeal could cross party lines
Con: From same state as Kerry, died in 1997
8: H. Ross Perot, businessman, Texas
Pro: Hilarity
Con: None
9. No one; anywhere
Pro: Would allow voters to concentrate on Kerry
Con: Would not deliver a state, raise money, or do anything, due to lack of existence
10. Nancy Pelosi, Representative and House Minority Leader, California
Pro: Could lure disenchanted liberal voters who might otherwise go with Nader
Con: As a liberal, hates America, would make religion illegal, raise taxes by 500 percent, move Capitol to France
11. Blanche Lincoln, Senator, Arkansas
Pro: Combines best elements of Blanche DuBois and Abraham Lincoln
Con: No Democrat from Arkansas has ever won national election
12. Bob Menendez, Representative, New Jersey
Pro: Could solidify shaky support in New Jersey, lure Latino voters
Con: Along with brother Lyle, murdered parents
13. Dan Quayle, former Senator, Indiana
Pro: Possessed of Robert Redford-style good looks, energetic
Con: None
14. Ann Coulter, columnist
Pro: Flattering position would silence her exposing of the true evil liberal agenda
Con: Is composed entirely of spiders and deadly snakes writhing beneath a latex "skin"
15. Shaquille O'Neal, basketball player, California
Pro: Can clog up the middle, blocks shots, requires alteration of opposing team's game plan
Con: Free-throw shooting still an issue, recalcitrant
16. Joseph Biden, Senator, Delaware
Pro: Articulate speaker, respected among Democratic leadership
Con: Delaware is a protectorate, not a state, therefore constitutionally ineligible
17. Ashton Kutcher, actor, California
Pro: Could "punk" Bush campaign with crazy pranks, make them think their president plane got stoled, and then he could yell "Punk'd!" and it would be funny
Con: Sucks
18. A big pile of fudge; all over
Pro: Tasty, particularly enjoyed by women and increasingly obese nation
Con: Perishable, nonsentient, lackluster in debates and speeches
19. Fourteen dogs from Ohio; Ohio
Pro: Everyone loves dogs, each dog could be different, like one's a mean dog and one's a cute dog and one wears glasses and looks like a computer-whiz dog, could deliver swing state
Con: So many dogs could mean diluted message, can't talk
20. Jesus, Messiah, Nazareth
Pro: Would put Bush in uncomfortable position of attacking his personal Lord and Savior, could redefine Christianity instantly for political gain, likable
Con: Mythical