You know you are a drunk when....

[Hoosier PH]

You have never taken a drink of a non-alcoholic beverage without thinking, “Man, a splash of booze would fix this right up.”
You’ve apologized to people you don’t remember meeting for things you don’t remember doing in places you don’t remember going.
You think of plate glass windows as more suggestions than guidelines.
You can’t walk a straight line unless the floor is moving.
You dressed as a wino for halloween and no one noticed.
Half the bartenders in town know exactly which porch to leave you on.
Your tapeworm joined a 12 Step program.
You attempted to have a keg delivered to your cell in the drunk tank.
Your paychecks are deposited directly into a bar’s bank account.
Instead of “Good morning,” the first words out of your mouth are “Have you seen my trousers?”
You were looking forward to your court-mandated alcohol classes until you found out there wasn’t any actual alcohol involved.
You hang an open umbrella from your drinking hand to catch the spillage.
Long Islands are your cup of tea.
The words “Last Call” physically hurt you.
Detox leaves a mint under your pillow.
You fall down a well and send Lassie to the liquor store.
Bartenders call you when you’ve been absent for more than two days.
Lawn sprinklers are sometimes your alarm clock.
You wake up in a strange city not knowing how you got there, and the three other guys don’t know either.
You need help getting the breathalyzer in the right hole.
You lost a fistfight with yourself.
It takes two shots of schnapps to wash the taste of Breathalyzer out of your mouth.
You like to stop for a drink on the way to the fridge to get a beer.
You went on vacation for two weeks and the owner of your regular bar had his boat repossessed.
You’ve asked a bartender to “freshen up” your shot glass.
Bars call in their off-duty bartenders when you walk in the door.
You’ve asked a waiter: “What sort of wine goes with vodka?”
When buying floor tile, you press your face against it to see how comfortable it would be to sleep on.
You get into a loud, enraged argument, then realize you are alone.
Forgot your fishing pole on your fishing trip and didn’t notice.
You’ve been laid out on more floors than Johnson’s Wax.
Your liver has hired an attorney.
You wish all the world’s parking lots could be somehow turned into lush rain forests, because, you know, it’s hard to hide from cops in a parking lot.
Your favorite bar installed a seat belt on your barstool.
The glass isn’t half empty or half full. It just needs to be topped off.
You don’t fall off the wagon—you leap off it while chugging a bottle of cheap bourbon.
You have two personalities: Mr. Responsibility and Mr. I-Think-I’ll-Call-All-My-Old-Girlfriends-While-I'm-Blacked-Out.
The word “rent” loses all meaning after your fifth drink.
You’re so good at “drinking to forget” that you sometimes forget how to walk.
Whenever someone in a suit spills your well bourbon it magically transforms into top shelf scotch on the way to the floor.
You laugh at funerals but weep like a baby whenever you hear about a beer truck overturning.

You’d rather be a bus driver than an astronaut because, hey, there ain’t no beer where they’re going.
You don’t mind when your wife finds you stinking drunk in a bar, because then you can hit her up for a free drink.

[RinglingRingling]

hmmm.. not bad.

[ragtopW]

you said you would not tell all my secrets