Christmas With Louise

[cocapelle]

> This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to
find
out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. This won first prize.
>
> Christmas With Louise
> As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his
fireplace
before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What
they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every
Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor
pantyhose hung sadly empty. One year I decided to make his dream come true.
I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They
don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore
downtown.
> If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse
yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?"
"You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made
> it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard,
uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so
I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was
difficult. "Love Dolls" come in many
> different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box,
could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled
"Lovabl Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale.
> To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve
and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My
sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the
> wee morning hours long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the
dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some
cookies and
> drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and
giggled for a couple of hours.
> The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his
house
and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog
confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some
more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest
of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional
Christmas dinner.
> My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What
the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I
> had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her
clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay
said, to steer her into dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why
doesn't
she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was
Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying,
"Hang on Granny, hang on!"
> My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sided up to
me
and said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was
Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking
to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we
realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home. The dinner went
well. We made the usual small talk about who
> had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise
made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she
lurched
> from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in
front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my
nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began
administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his
chair and wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the
room, and
> sat in the car.
> It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my
brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause
of
Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember
to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called
duct tape, we restored her to perfect health

[ragtopW]