How a stone kept me from seeing JB

[saltymon]

I was supposed to see JB last Monday in Jacksonville, but sometimes life gets in the way of a simple plan. We were packed and ready Sunday night. Tickets in hand, reservations at the Adams Mark and a car waiting for us. We were flying down from ATL Monday morning. But at about 4am something woke me. It felt like Parrotheads were barbequeing in my gut and the Coral Reefer Band was playing an encore in my chest. This was rolling out of bed and crawling to the bathroom pain. Praying to die pain. Somehow I made it to the porcelain where I was suddenly transformed. I became a fountain in a New Orleans courtyard. I didn't toss my lunch...my lunch was ballistic. The laws of physics were suspended for 20 minutes or so and a couple of gallons of bile headed downstream where no trout swim. I knew I was in trouble. "She Who Must Be Obeyed" somehow got me into the truck and on the way to the ER. I figured a shot for the pain and we'd be Hook-ville bound and bouncing to JB that night. Oh foolish fan. Blood tests were off the chart. I had numbers that could have gotten me into Princeton. I was being admitted and set up for a battery of tests. These were no tests I could study for. CT scans, CAT scans, HIDA-scans, ultrasounds. I had so much radiation flights coming into Hartsfield-Jackson were using me on final approach. They thought it was my gall bladder, they thought it was my liver, they thought it was my pancreas. I thought, "Just keep the Demoral coming". Finally on Thursday a surgeon took a look at all my film and said, "This boy's gall bladder is hotter than David Johansen. I'm gonna do what I do best and shove a tiny camera throught his belly button and get that gall bladder out like the Ramones leaving town". Another simple plan foiled. The camera went in but I wasn't ready for my close-up. Inflammation had moved in and was clouding the radar. So they opened me up from breast bone to belt line. I've got a conga line across my front that would make Carmen proud. Bottom line? A gall stone the size of a koser dill. I'm not kidding. They gave it to me in a jar of fermaldohyde. Hospital staffers came around to check it out. I may go out on the next Lollapalooza Freak Show Tour. After a week in hospital, I'm back home for a two week recuperation. And hoping Jimmy makes it to ATL this summer. I'd trade a gall stone for two tickets.

[creeky]

Ouch!!

Hope you are feeling much better....

[springparrot]

OMG!!!
That is terrible, but your writing is great
Thanks for making something so awful so much fun to read.

[buffettbride]

I'll feel sorry for you as soon as I'm done laughing at your story!!!

Sorry that you missed the show!

[jackiesic]

Blood tests were off the chart. I had numbers that could have gotten me into Princeton.
So they opened me up from breast bone to belt line. I've got a conga line across my front that would make Carmen proud. Bottom line? A gall stone the size of a koser dill. I'm not kidding. They gave it to me in a jar of fermaldohyde. Hospital staffers came around to check it out. I may go out on the next Lollapalooza Freak Show Tour. After a week in hospital, I'm back home for a two week recuperation. And hoping Jimmy makes it to ATL this summer. I'd trade a gall stone for two tickets.

Holy Cow! Been there but was lucky enough to get it done with the camera in 1 hole and sucking it out of another whole. I wanted my stones too - even ask for'em but never gone'em.
Happy Healing.

[lorilovv]

I guess you could say you were too stoned to see the show!
Great writing!

[Karin]

Blood tests were off the chart. I had numbers that could have gotten me into Princeton. I was being admitted and set up for a battery of tests. These were no tests I could study for. CT scans, CAT scans, HIDA-scans, ultrasounds. I had so much radiation flights coming into Hartsfield-Jackson were using me on final approach.

I am not sure which line is the funniest in your story! I am sorry you missed the show and hope you are feeling better.

If Jimmy does make it to Atlanta. . . it's worth a trip down there to tailgate with you! Thanks for the story!

[SchoolGirlHeart]

I'm sure sorry you missed the show and spent a week in the hospital, but you did just make my laugh my a** off!!!!

Heal up quickly...

I think you oughtta send this story to Jimmy.

[Desdamona]

So there are cases where they still do the "old fashioned"
gall bladder surgery like I had in 1980! At least I'm not
the only one that has a foot long "permanent reminder".
Maybe after you've recovered,you can still come to Jax
and we can compare scars!

[FFishstick]

Dude I share in your pain, and I was laughing my butt off. No one can describe the pain, not even giving birth gets to these levels. (trust me I have this on record from a female nurse who has experienced both, and she had 30+ hours of difficult labor) , but you came as close to putting it into perspective as anything I have ever read. I have had my share of pain, as my colon decided to die inside me while I was still choosing to live. That will leave a mark. So after having my entire large intestine removed, bag on the side for the Summer. That was fun. They opened me back up and reconnected the plumbing, rebuilt my a**hole, and sent me packing. The doctor says I am a perfect a**hole, because he rebuilt me. So some of the names I have been called in other threads don't phase me, as they may be true. surgery #3 and 4 were somewhat spontaneous as I had a gastrointestinal blow out twice, two years apart, Those were both painful and had me a bit p*** off. Having crap come out of places other than your ass is not much fun. Surgery #5 took the cake, the pain hit me like a train, the fool I am, I drove myself to the ER, left the car running outside the door, stumbled in fell on the floor and got a bed pretty quick. Morphine did nothing but make me expell my morning starbucks, sorry about the shoes doc. The demoral did nothing but give me the head spins while tossing up the morning cup of joe. Felt like I was on a bad acid trip at a dead show. Finally the percoset cocktail put my feet back down on the ground. I was one p*** off puppy. They took mine out the hard way as well. My belly looks like a railroad track by now. Your story tells the rest quite eloquently. I am so sorry that any human being had to put up with that kind of pain, let alone miss a Buffett show over it. Get better dude.

[ph4ever]

how horriable!!!!! I'm laughing thou and it's good you could retain a sense of humor thru all the pain.

Hope you get to feeling better!!