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PHBeerman wrote:

tikitatas wrote:Dear Mr. Beerman,

There is this insufferably pompous person who feels he must offer an opinion on each and every topic raised on a certain thread. Would I be teetering too closely to the edge of my Buddha path if I called him an asshat?

Signed,

I Can't Believe That He DOESN'T Know When To Quit in Canuckia

Dear I Can't Believe That He DOESN'T Know When To Quit in Canuckia,
It sounds like this person possesses an intrinsic ability to add value to everything in which contributes. On top of that, it appears that you have a deep underlying urge to rip his clothes off and have your way with him.

Go with your urge,
Beerman

But . . . he likes HIPPIES!!!!!!

Dear Beerdude,

A large, overweight, potato-craving Idahoan has developed an unnatural attraction to me. I know this because he can't get through a day without picking on me like 2nd grade boys do when they like one of their classmates. Also, he is obsessed with my mom and I think he may have slept with her. Should I be worried?

Sincerely, Scared Monkey

Dear beerman, dear beerman,
My fountain pen leaks
My wife hollers at me and my kids are all freaks
Every side I get up on is the wrong side of bed
If it weren’t so expensive I’d wish I were dead

Signed,
Unhappy

nycparrothead wrote:Dear Beerdude,

A large, overweight, potato-craving Idahoan has developed an unnatural attraction to me. I know this because he can't get through a day without picking on me like 2nd grade boys do when they like one of their classmates. Also, he is obsessed with my mom and I think he may have slept with her. Should I be worried?

Sincerely, Scared Monkey

Dear Scared Monkey,
It appears that you are saying that you are too much of a pansy to take care of yourself. I don't really think I can help you with this problem. I would suggest contacting Still itching in Schuylkill County. He has had this very same problem.

As for your mother, this is not a unique case. Everyone has slept with her.


Beerman

Four Play wrote:Dear beerman, dear beerman,
My fountain pen leaks
My wife hollers at me and my kids are all freaks
Every side I get up on is the wrong side of bed
If it weren’t so expensive I’d wish I were dead

Signed,
Unhappy

great John Prine reference!!!

Four Play wrote:Dear beerman, dear beerman,
My fountain pen leaks
My wife hollers at me and my kids are all freaks
Every side I get up on is the wrong side of bed
If it weren’t so expensive I’d wish I were dead

Signed,
Unhappy

Dear Unhappy,
It is interesting that you call it a fountain pen. I mean, we have all written our names in the snow, however, I wouldn't call it my fountain pen. But to each their own....I suggest antibiotics.

Your wife hollering at you is very common. First off, she is a woman (I hope) this makes them inherently moodier than you or I would understand. But I may suggest that you quit whining about it and instead learn to deal with it. Marriage is a journey that prepares you for the ultimate moment when you accept and look forward to death.

Your kids are freaks eh? Well look at the sperm donor.

The bed problem is a little more problematic. I suggest not p*** your wife off so much and then maybe you will get a little morning loving. This will help your mood. At least it always does for me when you are out of town.

The expense of death is not really a problem. I saw that Ace Hardware had a sale on good hemp rope. If you would like, I will send you the coupon.

Beerman

Dear Beerman,
Thank you for your help - I'm feeling better already.

I do have one more problem and I'm hoping you can help...
I have a cat here that thinks it's a chicken - what should I do?

When in doubt, ask yourself,
"WWPHBMD" ????

phjrsaunt wrote:When in doubt, ask yourself,
"WWPHBMD" ????

That is some great advice. I am looking for an intern...Are you interested?

Four Play wrote:Dear Beerman,
Thank you for your help - I'm feeling better already.

I do have one more problem and I'm hoping you can help...
I have a cat here that thinks it's a chicken - what should I do?

Do you not have a grill. Please grill it up and let me know if it's true that cats taste like chicken.

PHBeerman wrote:

phjrsaunt wrote:When in doubt, ask yourself,
"WWPHBMD" ????

That is some great advice. I am looking for an intern...Are you interested?

I'll pass on that one, but thanks for the offer. I get enough of telling people what they should do in my "real" life.

Beerman,
Everyone I work with is beneath me (no, not in the biblical sense). How can I keep my sanity?
the Old Man Down The Road

phjrsaunt wrote:

PHBeerman wrote:

phjrsaunt wrote:When in doubt, ask yourself,
"WWPHBMD" ????

That is some great advice. I am looking for an intern...Are you interested?

I'll pass on that one, but thanks for the offer. I get enough of telling people what they should do in my "real" life.

Are you implying that BN isn't "read" life?

nycparrothead wrote:

phjrsaunt wrote:

PHBeerman wrote:

phjrsaunt wrote:When in doubt, ask yourself,
"WWPHBMD" ????

That is some great advice. I am looking for an intern...Are you interested?

I'll pass on that one, but thanks for the offer. I get enough of telling people what they should do in my "real" life.

Are you implying that BN isn't "read" life?

It's VERY "read" life. Now go learn how to type.

Dear Beerman,
In fact yes, it did taste like chicken.
I can see that you are really good at what you do, so I will come forward with my final problem...

I slept with your wife a couple of weeks ago.
I thought we were clear that it was a one-night stand, but she won't stop calling me.
What should I do?

LIPH wrote:Beerman,
Everyone I work with is beneath me (no, not in the biblical sense). How can I keep my sanity?
the Old Man Down The Road

Dear Old Man Down The Road,
At your age you should be glad that you can even remember that everyone that you work with is beneath you. However, sanity maintenance is a topic that is near and dear to my heart. I suggest noon visits to the strip club nearest to your location. There is nothing like a lap dance to help you forget that you work with morons.
I realize that you are probably thinking that this could become an expensive habit. I handle this by having a jar on my desk that is labeled “Stupid questions-$5.00” Usually by noon I have acquired enough money to allow for a few hundred lap dances.

Good Luck,
Beerman

phjrsaunt wrote:

nycparrothead wrote:Are you implying that BN isn't "read" life?

It's VERY "read" life. Now go learn how to type.

Deer Beerdude,

I am an inept retard. What is the easiest way to kill myself and put myself out of everyone's misery.

Thank you, Dumber than a Bag of Rusty Hammers

Four Play wrote:Dear Beerman,
In fact yes, it did taste like chicken.
I can see that you are really good at what you do, so I will come forward with my final problem...

I slept with your wife a couple of weeks ago.
I thought we were clear that it was a one-night stand, but she won't stop calling me.
What should I do?

Dear FP,
I am glad to hear that the cat tasted like chicken, as I am in the mood for chicken and my neighbor has a cat that will not quit crapping in the flower beds.

My advice on the wife is that you call her back. Take her out on another date. Hell I will even pay for it. Remember where I am each time you are out of the house.

Good luck and the check is in the mail,
Beerman

nycparrothead wrote:

phjrsaunt wrote:

nycparrothead wrote:Are you implying that BN isn't "read" life?

It's VERY "read" life. Now go learn how to type.

Deer Beerdude,

I am an inept retard. What is the easiest way to kill myself and put myself out of everyone's misery.

Thank you, Dumber than a Bag of Rusty Hammers

Happy Hump Day, DTaBoRH.

nycparrothead wrote:

phjrsaunt wrote:

nycparrothead wrote:Are you implying that BN isn't "read" life?

It's VERY "read" life. Now go learn how to type.

Deer Beerdude,

I am an inept retard. What is the easiest way to kill myself and put myself out of everyone's misery.

Thank you, Dumber than a Bag of Rusty Hammers

Dear Dumber than a Bag of Rusty Hammers,

Suicide is not the answer. IUP and myself need people with your limited horsepower around to make fun of. Life would be boring without a tard or two to make fun of.

Keep your head up little buddy.
Beerman