BuffettNews.com

Dear Mr. Beerman,

I've been told by some crazy people that I have an unhealthy obsession with Jimmy Buffett, and Buffettnews.com.
Do you have any advice on what to tell these people who just can not see the light?

Thank you....

Disturbed

habourgirl wrote:Dear Mr. Beerman,

I've been told by some crazy people that I have an unhealthy obsession with Jimmy Buffett, and Buffettnews.com.
Do you have any advice on what to tell these people who just can not see the light?

Thank you....

Disturbed

Dear Disturbed,

This is a very common problem that I see every day. Truth be told, your are probably obsessed with me. You are using Jimmy Buffett and Buffettnews as a smoke screen to hide your true feelings. I encourage you to continue this obsession, and tell the morons who tell you that it is unhealthy that I have been checked for every know STD and I am quite clean.

Sincerely,
Beerman

Dear Beerman,

When I pee, it sprays in 2 or 3 different directions. It is quite difficult to get more than one stream to go where it should. Sometimes when I'm sober, I can aim one in the toilet, one in the sink, and one in the bathtub. But I'm not sober that much. What should I do.

Sincerely,
Sharp Shooter

Burny Charles wrote:Dear Beerman,

When I pee, it sprays in 2 or 3 different directions. It is quite difficult to get more than one stream to go where it should. Sometimes when I'm sober, I can aim one in the toilet, one in the sink, and one in the bathtub. But I'm not sober that much. What should I do.

Sincerely,
Sharp Shooter

Dear Sharpshooter,
The problem that you have is very serious and is an indicator of sub-standard size, and the tendency to be lacking in the stamina department. This condition is usually caused by increased levels of estrogen your body. There are only 2 causes of these increased levels, so ask yourself the following questions. Do you take birth control pills? Or do you find yourself dressing up in your mothers clothing often? Males of the Homo sapien species take great pride in their precision. This skill is developed starting at the age of 3 and is continually mastered throughout the life of the male until he reaches about 50 years old. At that time, the body starts to fall apart again.

My advice is that you either learn the accuracy that is required to function as a healthy male in society, or sit down to pee.

Best regards,
Beerman

Dear Beerman-

Thanks so much for the good advice from before. I'll get right on those pics and they will be in the mail tomorrow. And since my vision (much like my existence in general) is perfect, do you think I can get by with phony spectacles? I mean, it's simply for the illusion of nerdiness right? (because good Lord knows, I am cooler than hell and nothing even closely resembling a nerd)

Also, thank you very much for pointing out to the idiot that refers to himself as Dumber than a Bag of Rusty Hammers that we do indeed need people like him in this world to reassure you and I that we are the supreme members of our species.

But finally, I had a really shitty day. I'm extremely tired, frustrated, etc. Do I go for sushi or just simply dine on liquor this evening?

Your Friend,

Brilliant (IUP)

Thank you so much!!! I now realize that I am addicted to Birth Control Pills. Admission is my first step to recovery.

iuparrothead wrote:Dear Beerman-

Thanks so much for the good advice from before. I'll get right on those pics and they will be in the mail tomorrow. And since my vision (much like my existence in general) is perfect, do you think I can get by with phony spectacles? I mean, it's simply for the illusion of nerdiness right? (because good Lord knows, I am cooler than hell and nothing even closely resembling a nerd)

Also, thank you very much for pointing out to the idiot that refers to himself as Dumber than a Bag of Rusty Hammers that we do indeed need people like him in this world to reassure you and I that we are the supreme members of our species.

But finally, I had a really shitty day. I'm extremely tired, frustrated, etc. Do I go for sushi or just simply dine on liquor this evening?

Your Friend,

Brilliant (IUP)

Dear Brilliant,

Phoney specs are ok as they are only being used to create the illusion to the moron surgeons that you are nerdy, and to fullfill yet another fantasy of mine.

I would go with the sushi first, the rice will act as a sponge that will increase your alcohol consumption ability.

Beerman.


P.S. Sorry you had a bad day. Would you like a chest massage?

Dear Beerman,
Your wisdom is incredible. Is there ANY problem in life that you don't have an answer for??????????

Dear Beerman

I was at a concert just a few weeks ago and I was asked to
sit down and stop dancing by a Man so the Uh Ladies
he was with could see the Stage. if this ever happens
again Can I hit him?????

PHBeerman wrote: Phoney specs are ok as they are only being used to create the illusion to the moron surgeons that you are nerdy, and to fullfill yet another fantasy of mine.

an adult film entitled "Specs Appeal" comes to mind.
umm.....not that I would watch such filth

Dear BeerMan~

Is it unhealthy to use peanut butter as a lubercant?

Signed~
Penut butter with no jelly

Dear BeerMan~

Latley there have been some cracks in my shower. I tried to fix it with Caulk, However it appears I am having I hard time keeping my caulk hard in the shower. You seem like a mans man who knows all about hardwhere and fixing things up. So how do I keep my caulk hard in the shower?

Signed~
caulkhard

balcony girls wrote:My manager doesn't understand my need to drink on the job . .

Neither does mine.

I don't understand because our 2nd largest customer is a brewery and we have two wine/liquor importers as major customers.

"Why is the rum gone?"

phjrsaunt wrote:Dear Beerman,
Your wisdom is incredible. Is there ANY problem in life that you don't have an answer for??????????

I have not ran across a question yet that I cannot ramble about except one. And when I am able to answer that one, I will be a very wealthy man.

ragtopW wrote:Dear Beerman

I was at a concert just a few weeks ago and I was asked to
sit down and stop dancing by a Man so the Uh Ladies
he was with could see the Stage. if this ever happens
again Can I hit him?????

Dear Santa,
I have always held the belief that it is musch better to send someone like this back to his seat with his tail tucked between his legs than to actually have to hit them. If you hit them, they will still have some pride remaining. However, if you basically tell them to p*** off in a nice way, they have to go back to their womanfolk and explain why they were not enough of a man to get you to sit down.

Beerman.

Quint wrote:Dear BeerMan~

Is it unhealthy to use peanut butter as a lubercant?

Signed~
Penut butter with no jelly

Dear Peanut butter fetish,
I have found that whatever lubricant you have available is the best one. Plus, if you use a food source, you will be able to have a snack later.

Beerman

Quint wrote:Dear BeerMan~

Latley there have been some cracks in my shower. I tried to fix it with Caulk, However it appears I am having I hard time keeping my caulk hard in the shower. You seem like a mans man who knows all about hardwhere and fixing things up. So how do I keep my caulk hard in the shower?

Signed~
caulkhard

Dear Caulkhard,

This is a very common problem for some men. I assure you it is ok. However, they now make "Caulk additive" that may be ideal for your situation. It comes in the form of a little blue tube, and has proven usefull for thse who have had similar situations.

Best regards,
Beerman

Dear Beerman

Have you heard I'm leading the spartans against my old team Idaho next year??? I heard you got really old? Whats up with that

signed,

John L. Smith

msu#1 wrote:Dear Beerman

Have you heard I'm leading the spartans against my old team Idaho next year??? I heard you got really old? Whats up with that

signed,

John L. Smith

Satan,

I will still outlive you and pi$$ on your grave. You won't be leading anyone next year. MSU will be smart enough to fire you after yet another dismal season. Good luck with that.

Now go away.
Beerman

PHBeerman wrote:...good hemp...

Dear Beerman,
Thank you. That fixed everything.

Signed,
Grateful