BuffettNews.com

Deer Mr. Beerman-

Would you mind driving by to pick up Mal on your way over to my house so you can both give me a chest massage?

Oh, and bring pie.

LYMI,

Annie (IUP)

chibears wrote:Dear Beerchugger Sir,

I have to defend a very important golf tournament this weekend and need some help with my game.

Firstly, I always make sure to wash my balls before playing. Hoping you can help me get my balls in the hole quicker.

Should I practice my stroke over and over or do I need to slow my stroke down? Also, it should be noted that I have a longer shaft than normal, thus sending my balls flying wildly all over and ending up in the rough. Do I dare cut down my shaft to gain better control of my balls? Your help would be greatly appreciated.

Danny Noonan

ps, WOuld it help if I drove a minivan?

Dear Danny,
You are gay. Please quit trying to hide it. I learned this while I was having an intimate moment with your mother. I think once you come out of the closet you will be a lot happier as you and Ringling will finally be able to run off together.

Beerman.

buffettbride wrote:Dear Beerman,

My panties are in a bunch. Please advise.

Wedgingly,

Stuck

Dear Stuck,
Your question got lost amongst the stupid ones that some morons have been posting. Sorry for the delay.
Now on with the question. Your panties being in a bunch is a sign from God that you shouldn't wear any. Once you free yourself from their bond, you will feel much better.

Good Luck
Beerman

buffettbride wrote:Dear Beerguy...why aren't you answering my questions. And also, my head hurts.Love, Chickenbutt

Slight oversight.

Beerman

PHBeerman wrote:

buffettbride wrote:Dear Beerguy...why aren't you answering my questions. And also, my head hurts.Love, Chickenbutt

Slight oversight.

Beerman

Gracias.

Wanna hump?

iuparrothead wrote:Deer Mr. Beerman-

Would you mind driving by to pick up Mal on your way over to my house so you can both give me a chest massage?

Oh, and bring pie.

LYMI,

Annie (IUP)

Dear Annie,
I would be more than happy to pick Mal up on my way over to your house if her panties are not in a bunch upon my arrival.

Beerman

PHBeerman wrote:

iuparrothead wrote:Deer Mr. Beerman-

Would you mind driving by to pick up Mal on your way over to my house so you can both give me a chest massage?

Oh, and bring pie.

LYMI,

Annie (IUP)

Dear Annie,
I would be more than happy to pick Mal up on my way over to your house if her panties are not in a bunch upon my arrival.

Beerman

P.S. Panties problem resolved.

buffettbride wrote:

PHBeerman wrote:

buffettbride wrote:Dear Beerguy...why aren't you answering my questions. And also, my head hurts.Love, Chickenbutt

Slight oversight.

Beerman

Gracias.

Wanna hump?

Dear Grassy A$$,
Sure
Beerman

Dear Mr. IdahoVandalsBeerPhan:

To answer your question:

No. I save the good questions for you.

Congrats to you ol wise one!!!

I have noticed quite a pattern, not only have you been with my mother, but also with Shane's mother numerous times. It seems you are quite the "ladies man" with the mother's. So how many other BN mother's have you been with, and please give names? Also, were any of these mother's in the back of your minivan?

btw, please say hi to your wife and my kids

chibears wrote:Congrats to you ol wise one!!!

I have noticed quite a pattern, not only have you been with my mother, but also with Shane's mother numerous times. It seems you are quite the "ladies man" with the mother's. So how many other BN mother's have you been with, and please give names? Also, were any of these mother's in the back of your minivan?

btw, please say hi to your wife and my kids

Dear Dreaming in Illinois,
You and Shane are not only lovers, but also members of the most exclusive clique on BN. I figured since your mothers were the only ones with sons who still didn't know what a man was supposed to act like, I gave them a sneek peek. Congrats.

Sorry, my kids are human. This obviously eliminates you from their gene pool.

Try again,
Beerman

Dear Mr. Beerman,

The wrist surgery I had last week is seriously affecting my ability to perform a solo sax number. What do you suggest I try?

Signed,
Self-Saxless

Dear Beerman,

I recently started dating a new guy and I am really digging him! The problem is he's a really nice, good guy. Not like the bad boys I generally date. He's conservative, goes to church, very polite, considerate, an all around nice guy. Can this really work???

Sincerely,

CRC

MojosMama wrote:Dear Mr. Beerman,

The wrist surgery I had last week is seriously affecting my ability to perform a solo sax number. What do you suggest I try?

Signed,
Self-Saxless

Dear Saxless,
The answer to this question is quite simple as there are only 2 possible options. Option number 1 involves your exploration into the exciting world of ambidexterity. The use of your non-dominate hand while playing the sax may be a little clumsy at first, but will provide you with a youthful feeling which we take for granted after a few years of self-saxisfaction. The other option is to fly a certainly stunning public wellness professional to your location for assistance.

Good luck,
Beerman

Tickets are only $349 from Seattle to the east coast right now.

Your Beerfulness,

Does anyone really need to know the weather every 10 minutes?
Convenient, yes, but I'm starting to get annoyed.

Sincerely,
My Mama don't watch the weather

Dear Beerman,

I feel my panties and my cheese are not welcome at times. How would you handle this?

Cheers,

Busted Bloomers

CRC Parrothead wrote:Dear Beerman,

I recently started dating a new guy and I am really digging him! The problem is he's a really nice, good guy. Not like the bad boys I generally date. He's conservative, goes to church, very polite, considerate, an all around nice guy. Can this really work???

Sincerely,

CRC

Dear CRC,
Come sit on my lap and I will tell you a little story.....

Once upon a time my wife's best friend used to bring boyfriends over to our house that fit the image that you refer to as "Bad Boys". Well what it really meant was that they were losers. And in the course of being myself I would let her know just that. Well one night I got home from work and my wife informed me that her friend was bringing over her latest boyfriend for dinner..... Well, I was standing in my kitchen when they came in and while she was introducing him to me she started on her normal explanation of the dudes positive traits that I may be able to talk to him about. She was talking on and on when I found my opportunity to see what the dude was made of. As she was saying “And he went to the Coast Guard Academy…..” I broke in and looked at him and asked “So you couldn’t make it into a real military academy?” There was a moment of silence while we each sized each other up. And then broke out laughing our asses off. I then noticed..This dude is clean cut, he didn’t instantly feel the need to try and defend himself, and basically he wasn’t a loser. To make a long story short, we drank all of the booze in my house that night, and they got married a couple of years later. He and I are really good friends to this day. And he can party with the best of them, and still show up for church the next day.

So the moral of this story is…. Never underestimate the conservative guy. They are the best people to party with, and they don’t have to try to uphold a “bad boy” image to prove it.

Good Luck.
Beerman
(A conservative guy himself)



P.S. You can continue to sit on my lap if you would like.

DonnaKayDunbar wrote:Your Beerfulness,

Does anyone really need to know the weather every 10 minutes?
Convenient, yes, but I'm starting to get annoyed.

Sincerely,
My Mama don't watch the weather

Dear My Mama don't watch the weather,
Nope. If I want to know the weather I look out the window. I personally believe that we took a really big step back with regards to our mental health the moment that cable tv was launched. Gone are the good old days when the media had a total of 60 minutes to get the news out for an entire day. Back then, we didn't have to be told that Michael Jackson was a freak for 24 straight hours. Instead we knew it instinctively. We were not bombarded with 146 24 hours news stations that would all tell us the same depressing stuff. Instead, we got the news, and only the real important stuff. I am anti-continual news. But I do love the Skinimax.

Beerman

PHBeerman wrote:

phtnt wrote:Dear Mr. Beerman,









I forgot what I was going to say

Dear Brain Dead,
You really need to cut the Jim Beam out of your breakfast routine.

Beerman

never mind

Thanks so much Beerman!!!!! That's a refreshing and awesome story!!!

I think I'll stick with it and see what happens!

Now if I can just get my friends to quit saying things like,
"Don't go changing on me! I still need my party buddy!"
"Don't scare him off!!"
"Take it easy on this one!"
"You got yourself a gawd darn Republican!!"
(This one is really confusing since I'm a registered Republican!)