Chili Cookoff
Posted: September 16, 2005 11:56 am
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this story is.
Once a year they have a Chili Cook-off that takes up a major portion of
the huge parking lot at San Antonio City Park.
Of the three men who judged the entries, judge #3 was an inexperienced
chili taster named Frank who was visiting from Springfield, Illinois.
Here's a prelude to the story as told by Frank...
"I was recently honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off
in San Antonio, Texas. One of the three people who were supposed to
judge the contest called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to
be standing there at the judges' table asking for directions to the
Coors Light truck when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (both native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy. And besides, they told me, I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI ENTRY # 1 -- MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway with this concoction. Took me two
beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans
are crazy.
CHILI ENTRY # 2 -- AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Son-of-a-b****! Keep this stuff out of the reach of
children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who were about to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Thank God they rushed in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI ENTRY # 3 -- FRED'S FAMOUS BURN-DOWN-THE-BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Hot damn! Someone call the EPA. I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I've been snorting Drano. Get me more beer before I ignite. The huge barmaid bringing the beer pounded me on the back, and now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm beginning to get blitzed from all the beer.
CHILI ENTRY # 4 -- BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, but not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I don't believe it! I'm sure I felt something scraping
across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out
taste buds? Thank God Sally, the huge beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-pound woman is starting to look really
hot...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI ENTRY # 5 -- LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding a considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- Uh oh. My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people
behind me fell to the pavement. The contestant seemed offended when I
told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I
wonder if I'm burning my lips off. The other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw those rednecks.
CHILI ENTRY # 6 -- VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- Good God! My intestines are now a straight pipe filled
with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I made a mess in my pants and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one will stand behind me
except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I doubt that even wiping
my butt with a snow cone would provide any relief.
CHILI ENTRY # 7 -- SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI..
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I'm worried
about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
convulsing and cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- Sweet Jesus! You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the
pin and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye and the
world sounds like I'm going over Niagra Falls. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava
to match my shirt. At least they'll know what killed me after the
autopsy. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it.
I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just s*** it in
through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI ENTRY # 8 -- BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold, but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither too
mild nor too hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3
farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. They're taking him to the hospital right now and I'm not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller. Wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report
Once a year they have a Chili Cook-off that takes up a major portion of
the huge parking lot at San Antonio City Park.
Of the three men who judged the entries, judge #3 was an inexperienced
chili taster named Frank who was visiting from Springfield, Illinois.
Here's a prelude to the story as told by Frank...
"I was recently honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off
in San Antonio, Texas. One of the three people who were supposed to
judge the contest called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to
be standing there at the judges' table asking for directions to the
Coors Light truck when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (both native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy. And besides, they told me, I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI ENTRY # 1 -- MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway with this concoction. Took me two
beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans
are crazy.
CHILI ENTRY # 2 -- AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Son-of-a-b****! Keep this stuff out of the reach of
children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who were about to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Thank God they rushed in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI ENTRY # 3 -- FRED'S FAMOUS BURN-DOWN-THE-BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Hot damn! Someone call the EPA. I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I've been snorting Drano. Get me more beer before I ignite. The huge barmaid bringing the beer pounded me on the back, and now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm beginning to get blitzed from all the beer.
CHILI ENTRY # 4 -- BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, but not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I don't believe it! I'm sure I felt something scraping
across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out
taste buds? Thank God Sally, the huge beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-pound woman is starting to look really
hot...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI ENTRY # 5 -- LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding a considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- Uh oh. My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people
behind me fell to the pavement. The contestant seemed offended when I
told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I
wonder if I'm burning my lips off. The other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw those rednecks.
CHILI ENTRY # 6 -- VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- Good God! My intestines are now a straight pipe filled
with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I made a mess in my pants and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one will stand behind me
except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I doubt that even wiping
my butt with a snow cone would provide any relief.
CHILI ENTRY # 7 -- SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI..
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I'm worried
about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
convulsing and cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- Sweet Jesus! You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the
pin and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye and the
world sounds like I'm going over Niagra Falls. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava
to match my shirt. At least they'll know what killed me after the
autopsy. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it.
I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just s*** it in
through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI ENTRY # 8 -- BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold, but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither too
mild nor too hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3
farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. They're taking him to the hospital right now and I'm not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller. Wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report
