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FALL TV SEASON
Pssst. Your fall season flops are already showing.
Tim Goodman
Dim the lights, grab a mop, pop the cork and remember -- no one gets called on for rebuttal, so keep your hands down. It's that time again: Failure Analysis.
Martha Stewart is a wreck, "Arrested Development" looks doomed to cancellation, FX's audacity fails to pay off, "Joey" is DOA and, well, plenty more.
We could do this every week. But we won't.
We have, in fact, done it before. But we buried all the good signage -- Failure Analysis in neon -- rethought the promotion and drowned the intent, once again, in pointless rambling. In short, our failure analysis clearly showed that we failed to capitalize on a ripe market for egregiously bad TV development.
Despite being under old management, Failure Analysis is back, bigger and bolder and more angry than ever. The season hasn't even fully rolled out yet and the carnage is everywhere. Given that, we could start anywhere. Like, here:
-- "E-Ring." Benjamin Bratt, Jerry Bruckheimer, Taylor Hackford, a rampaging Dennis Hopper. Where to start on that flop? Who has the time? This is an NBC show -- more on that below. Of more importance:
-- "Arrested Development." The funniest show on television is all but dead. There's no official announcement yet, but all the signs are there, and if this short-lived thing of beauty even manages to deliver half of a season, consider that a sanctioned-by-Rome miracle.
The ratings are abysmal. Fewer than 4 million viewers, which puts it in cable territory. Despite what may have been one of its funniest episodes ever in the first week, nobody watched. This past Monday, even fewer people watched. So much for Emmy power. So much for Charlize Theron as a cameo draw.
Blame? Easy. Fox moved the series from Sunday to Monday, which was: (a) stupid, (b) a planned assassination or (c) all of the above. The network barely promoted the night switch -- a killer for viewers, especially those trying to sample 30 new series -- and sure enough, "Arrested Development" drew fewer viewers than last season. Worse, once on Monday, the series got almost no push. Now, there's one more episode before Major League Baseball pre-empts the show -- and Fox will air "Prison Break" repeats in that slot for a bit after that and before, ahem, bringing back "Arrested Development."
Yeah, that'll happen. Enjoy next Monday's episode. Chances are, everything after that will be dubbed "the lost episodes" on the next DVD. Here's how things get worse for Fox: "Kitchen Confidential" is also dying on Mondays. That means Fox hasn't been able to launch a decent sitcom in some time, and, no, "The War at Home" on Sundays doesn't count. If you watch that, you deserve it.
But it's true that the audience always decides. Always. And if it doesn't want "Arrested Development" but gloms onto the asinine "War at Home," three things are in play here: (a) Nielsen families have lame taste, (b) we get the television we really deserve and (c) most damning, the theory of sophisticated urban viewers is out the window. San Francisco was the 27th-ranked market for "Arrested Development." New York, Los Angeles and Chicago all tied for 21st. And Boston was 45th. So much for savvy. Let's move to Portland, Ore., -- it was the No. 1-ranked market for "Arrested Development." Onward:
-- "The Apprentice: Martha Stewart." Perhaps the season's biggest letdown. NBC kept it under wraps -- the guess here is the network knows that the entire "Apprentice" franchise is losing steam. But "Martha" really doesn't work -- wasting loads of potential. Why the failure? Because it copies Donald Trump's "Apprentice." Executive producer Mark Burnett thought branding was the way to go, but why put Stewart in a formula? An exact copy of anything is boring. In the first episode, Stewart was too stiff. The second proved that using CEO Charles Koppelman and daughter Alexis to play the George and Carolyn roles from the Trump show was a big mistake. Koppelman is good only in that he is exactly like George. And Alexis has proved so far to be little more than an ice princess. She looks lovely but has nothing to say and appears not to like being involved. Alexis is an interior personality. That doesn't work on TV.
In the second episode, Martha forgot her super-secret tagline ("You just don't fit" or whatever the fuss was about) and even a novice viewer can tell that Burnett's strongest ability -- casting -- has been dismal. Why select Jim to chew scenery when NBC could just as easily have given you Sean Hayes? A worse sign: The Donald himself appears in the third episode. Burnett is clearly out of ideas. Blame goes to:
-- NBC. This is a network made for Failure Analysis. It didn't tinker with Thursdays and the listing "Joey" is all you need to know there. An hourlong premiere episode? Are you insane? Forget "Joey," stick with "Earl." At least NBC got "My Name Is Earl" right. (Another first-namer -- Chris -- as in "Everybody Hates Chris" beat "Joey" the first night and proved, with a second solid episode, that it's the best comedy choice at 8 p.m. If UPN hands you your head, that's bad.) There's more blood and bad news for NBC with "The Office." More than 5 million people are fleeing after they watch "Earl." Look for "Scrubs" back in this slot in one month. Yet nobody looks to NBC for creativity. Increasingly they look to:
-- FX. And what does that get them? Failure. See, audacity is a burden. Chances are good that the supremely great and powerful "Over There" is out of here. Why? Apparently not many people want to watch fiction about a real war currently raging on. But worse: No women are watching. Also unlikely to return is "Starved," the comedy about eating disorders. It was always a tough sell, but even loyal watchers found it preachy and unfunny in the end. There is still hope, however, that FX will bring back the hilariously unflinching "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia." Ah, but what to pair it with? That's the "Lucky" conundrum. And don't say "Arrested Development." FX can't afford this show. Word is one episode of "AD" is more costly than "Over There."
If FX loses "Over There" and "Starved" (and by no means is "Philly" totally safe, either -- it's just an educated hunch), then what is the reward for taking chances and -- wait for it -- failing? All that means is that you're Showtime.
Well, it gets you good ink, for starters. And good ink is worth something, right? Just look at ink-stained "Arrested Development." Ooooh. Not fair? No, beaten by its birth parents and kicked to the curb -- now that's not fair.
Until next time, we leave you with Kathleen Edwards' "Failer." Enjoy.
