More Advice Needed (Message Board)

carolinagirl · Post by **carolinagirl** » October 2, 2005 11:52 pm

My keet found a great message board last August and has discovered the thrills of posting with kids around his age (13). It's very strict about no foul language, no insulting other members, etc. After school started, he shared the website with three of his closest friends, and has really enjoyed the chat room there, chatting with his friends and other kids from around the world. One kid was telling him about Lithuania.

Well, here's the problem. Two of my keet's friends were online, one for the first time, and the newbie obviously didn't read the agreement about no insulting, flaming, using foul language. He started dropping the f bomb all over the chat room, and telling this other kid he sucked, just because he wanted that kid to leave so he could chat with just his friends.

My son sent him a PM, saying "what r u doing? You're going to get banned." This friend sent my son back a PM, which I saw too because I look over my son's shoulder when he's online, saying F U, only spelling it out without the c, and using every angry symbol they had, bazookas, machine guns, etc. and the FUs went on for six lines. He also sent it to the other kid, from the UK, who happens to be a moderator. Needless to say this "friend" of my son has been banned in just one day.

I printed it out Friday and showed it to the shocked parents. They immediately said it wasn't their son. I told them it had to be, no one else could sign in with his name, and it was a unique nickname I've only heard him be called by all his friends. They said they would talk to him about it.

Now it's Sunday, and I haven't heard a thing from them. My son and this boy walk to and from school each day from his house. Do I demand an apology? My son says he doesn't care, and he wants to continue being friends with this boy. I know the parents will find a way to continue to deny it was their son. The boy also bragged about it to my son on the way to school Friday... That's how we know he sent it to the other boy in England. My son sent an apology for his friend to the other boy.

It came in on MY computer in MY house, and I feel I'm owed an apology, too. I'm thinking my son shouldn't associate with this boy until we both get one.

What do y'all think?

ph4ever · Post by **ph4ever** » October 3, 2005 12:04 am

obviously something bad is going on with that kid. When a child's attitude and demenor change that quickly - something's up and it's usually not pretty.

iuparrothead · Post by **iuparrothead** » October 3, 2005 12:13 am

Ooh, that's a tough situation. I think your feelings are warranted. Probably reason number one that I did not continue in the teaching profession is because of parents that are clueless about the true behavior and personalities of their children... what they see and what they know about their kids is the only thing that matters... despite the fact that you caught their kid in the act of doing something wrong, they simply won't believe you.

I'm really sorry this happened to you and your son. I think you're doing the right thing by confronting his parents... I wouldn't let it drop yet.

I hope things work out!!!

ToplessRideFL · Post by **ToplessRideFL** » October 3, 2005 1:03 am

Obviously your boy knows his friend is wrong.... but he will contnue being friends with him with or without your permission...at school anyway. It doent mean he will act like him. We cannot shelter our children from "bad" friends.... but we can guide them towards more positive influences.

I think if I were you I would explain to your son that sort of behavior isnt acceptable from him and he should not model himself after people who are dishonest to their parents. Explain that you cannot make his friend apologize... nor his parents.

The boy's parents are not going to change their minds... not in public anyway. Are you close with them? If so..maybe another discussion is in order. If not... drop it and concentrate on your own son.....

OceanCityGirl · Post by **OceanCityGirl** » October 3, 2005 7:54 am

You're probably not going to get an apology. You also will have a hard time keeping your son from being friends with the boy. You can either curtail his time with the friend or encourage the friendship in your own home where you have more supervision.
This is pretty typical jr hi behavior though, esp. boys.They show off and like to use foul language with each other. Part of the showing off is defiance. If it's any consolation the kids with parents who are plugged in usually drop the behavior in hs. They realize how silly it looks. The kid is just trying to look cool. He probably told 10 of his closest friends, look what I did.

carolinagirl · Post by **carolinagirl** » October 3, 2005 8:17 am

Great replies, everyone, and right on target. It really helps to get the perspective of people who are removed from the situation.

My son wanted to be dropped off at school this a.m. instead of at his friend's house, so nothing has happened yet. He has another good friend there that he wanted to wait with.

I have had a long (well, three-year) history with these parents and seen their denial of other bad behavior on their son's part, like breaking my neighbor's window with a brick, and me having to tell them the neighbor was prepared to take them to court, etc.

This boy has been very sweet and a good friend to my son in the past. His mom was recently hospitalized a week for "drinking too much," so there is an unstable homelife.

jackiesic · Post by **jackiesic** » October 3, 2005 12:35 pm

Reminds me of several years ago when my keet was just a baby.
I was driving along my street trying to get home (slowly I will add) and 3 doors down from me 2 keets dart out in front of my car on their bikes. This family has 4 boys and I had not met them so........
Next time I see the dad I let him know what happened and explained that if my son were older and did that I would want to know. The dad insisted that it was not his kids and that his kids would never enter into the street without looking (yeah right).
So, based upon the history it sounds like these parents are in denial. Don't hold your breath for an apology.

rednekkPH · Post by **rednekkPH** » October 3, 2005 12:43 pm

jackiesic wrote:The dad insisted that it was not his kids and that his kids would never enter into the street without looking (yeah right).

Easily solved - next time, run them over and then tell the dad "look, that WAS your kid".

jackiesic · Post by **jackiesic** » October 3, 2005 2:50 pm

rednekkPH wrote:
jackiesic wrote:The dad insisted that it was not his kids and that his kids would never enter into the street without looking (yeah right).
Easily solved - next time, run them over and then tell the dad "look, that WAS your kid".

Oh, that's bad

sy · Post by sy » October 3, 2005 3:43 pm

rednekkPH wrote:
jackiesic wrote:The dad insisted that it was not his kids and that his kids would never enter into the street without looking (yeah right).
Easily solved - next time, run them over and then tell the dad "look, that WAS your kid".

In all seriousness, I always have a camera with me. I've shown up at parents doors in my neighborhood many a time with printed/dated proof of their kids doing stupid or dangerous stuff. Always gets a pretty shocked look from them, especially since they can't deny it.

rednekkPH · Post by **rednekkPH** » October 3, 2005 3:45 pm

sy wrote:
rednekkPH wrote:
jackiesic wrote:The dad insisted that it was not his kids and that his kids would never enter into the street without looking (yeah right).
Easily solved - next time, run them over and then tell the dad "look, that WAS your kid".
In all seriousness, I always have a camera with me. I've shown up at parents doors in my neighborhood many a time with printed/dated proof of their kids doing stupid or dangerous stuff. Always gets a pretty shocked look from them, especially since they can't deny it.

But my method saves film and/or batteries.

SuperTrooper · Post by **SuperTrooper** » October 3, 2005 3:46 pm

rednekkPH wrote:
sy wrote:
rednekkPH wrote:
jackiesic wrote:The dad insisted that it was not his kids and that his kids would never enter into the street without looking (yeah right).
Easily solved - next time, run them over and then tell the dad "look, that WAS your kid".
In all seriousness, I always have a camera with me. I've shown up at parents doors in my neighborhood many a time with printed/dated proof of their kids doing stupid or dangerous stuff. Always gets a pretty shocked look from them, especially since they can't deny it.
But my method saves film and/or batteries.

But Frank, think of the paperwork!

sy · Post by sy » October 3, 2005 3:47 pm

rednekkPH wrote:
sy wrote:
rednekkPH wrote:
jackiesic wrote:The dad insisted that it was not his kids and that his kids would never enter into the street without looking (yeah right).
Easily solved - next time, run them over and then tell the dad "look, that WAS your kid".
In all seriousness, I always have a camera with me. I've shown up at parents doors in my neighborhood many a time with printed/dated proof of their kids doing stupid or dangerous stuff. Always gets a pretty shocked look from them, especially since they can't deny it.
But my method saves film and/or batteries.

Oh, I never said my way was better

buffettbride · Post by **buffettbride** » October 3, 2005 3:49 pm

Just be careful taking photographs of children.

Not that it IS this way, but a so-inclined parent could take it as stalking...or something worse.

rednekkPH · Post by **rednekkPH** » October 3, 2005 4:08 pm

buffettbride wrote:Just be careful taking photographs of children.

Not that it IS this way, but a so-inclined parent could take it as stalking...or something worse.

It's ok to take the pictures, just be sure to crop out that Tootsie Roll on a string.

carolinagirl · Post by **carolinagirl** » October 3, 2005 4:33 pm

sy wrote:
rednekkPH wrote:
jackiesic wrote:The dad insisted that it was not his kids and that his kids would never enter into the street without looking (yeah right).
Easily solved - next time, run them over and then tell the dad "look, that WAS your kid".
In all seriousness, I always have a camera with me. I've shown up at parents doors in my neighborhood many a time with printed/dated proof of their kids doing stupid or dangerous stuff. Always gets a pretty shocked look from them, especially since they can't deny it.

When you live in an alternate reality you can deny anything. That's what I'm waiting for, them to tell me my son typed it in himself, or I did.
Picked up son from school today. His friend waved at me like everything is hunky dory. My son said he was very nice to him today.

Still trying not to take this personally! (or do I derive too much satisfaction from doing so? I don't know!!!) Resume joking... it helps!

ToplessRideFL · Post by **ToplessRideFL** » October 3, 2005 4:36 pm

carolinagirl wrote:
Still trying not to take this personally! (or do I derive too much satisfaction from doing so? I don't know!!!)

Pssstt its not working

Just let it go. Have confidence that you taught your son right from wrong and concentrate on what is ahead....

carolinagirl · Post by **carolinagirl** » October 3, 2005 4:45 pm

ToplessRideFL wrote:
carolinagirl wrote:
Still trying not to take this personally! (or do I derive too much satisfaction from doing so? I don't know!!!)
Pssstt its not working

Just let it go. Have confidence that you taught your son right from wrong and concentrate on what is ahead....

Shut up, you sound like my husband, you know.... sensible!

I ought to try that...

ToplessRideFL · Post by **ToplessRideFL** » October 3, 2005 4:50 pm

carolinagirl wrote: Shut up, you sound like my husband, you know.... sensible!
I ought to try that...

Yeah yeah...so I have heard......

CadiRita · Post by **CadiRita** » October 3, 2005 5:03 pm

ToplessRideFL wrote:Obviously your boy knows his friend is wrong.... but he will contnue being friends with him with or without your permission...at school anyway. It doent mean he will act like him. We cannot shelter our children from "bad" friends.... but we can guide them towards more positive influences.

I think if I were you I would explain to your son that sort of behavior isnt acceptable from him and he should not model himself after people who are dishonest to their parents. Explain that you cannot make his friend apologize... nor his parents.

The boy's parents are not going to change their minds... not in public anyway. Are you close with them? If so..maybe another discussion is in order. If not... drop it and concentrate on your own son.....

I was going to say all the exact same things! Thanks for making that easy for me.