Need some advice please...long story

[davesnik]

I'm having a dilemma with my son's father and I'm not sure how to handle it. My keet is 3 1/2 and is in love with his dad. His dad, keeps making him promises and not keeping them. He lives out of state now and has a job that can change at the spur of the moment. I'm not making excuses for him, it's just a fact. But he keeps making promises; "I'm coming to see you tomorrow", "I'll be there on Thursday", etc. He doesn't show due to whatever reason (usually job related). The only way I find out is when we call him (because the keet wants to talk to him) and he says, "oh by the way......". My keet is very upset about this. He loves his dad and wants to spend time with him. I try to comfort him but it just doesn't seem to be working. It's affecting his behavior, potty training, everything. He's a sweet little boy who has a great spirit. I don't know what to do to help insure that that spirit doesn't get diminished. It breaks my heart to see him like this. His dad was supposed to be here yesterday. Didn't show up, didn't call, and when we tried to call him last night, no one seemed to know where he was. When I dropped him off at the sitter, he was crying and carrying on. I cried most of the way into work because it just breaks my heart.

I don't know what else to do. I refuse to talk bad about his dad (no matter how much I dislike him) because I don't think that's right. But I keep telling him, when he asks, "Is daddy coming to see me today?", that I'm not sure when he'll be here and we have to wait for daddy to tell us when he's going to be here. It breaks his heart and mine in turn. I'm at a loss and open for any advice/suggestions and some major phin power. Thanks bn'ers!

[sy]

I have no advice for you, unfortunately, but I offer you a whole lot of Phin Power and hopes that someone else does.

[mings]

Ummm. Not my area of expertise. Best of luck with resolving this though.

[ph4ever]

you need to have a talk with the dad - in a non acussatory manner let the Dad know what's going on with his son. Other than that there's not one thing you can do but be there for your son.

phin power headed your way

[davesnik]

Thanks guys. For some reason this is hitting me really hard today. I appreciate the kind words and the phin power!

[mrsmcg]

How heartbreaking .... both for you and your son. I have no real advice to give you except that I hope someone who has been through this will help. Don't give up on Dad just yet ... maybe he'll shape up. On the other hand, I hate to see the little'un hurt each day. You are a good Mom, and that's what counts in this situation. Keep on being there and being strong. We are all behind you.

[springparrot]

((((Nicole and Keet))))

[ejr]

Thanks guys. For some reason this is hitting me really hard today. I appreciate the kind words and the phin power!

I too am having a bad day so I do feel for you! I think Connie's advice is good-talk to the dad and see if there is any way he can adjust his behavior by either showing up, or not making all these promises that keep disappointing his son. And keep being supportive of your son. And, you are right, do not badmouth the father-that serves no purpose and only leads to further resentment.

Lots of hugs go out to you!

[CandyLMT]

Nicole.... my heart goes out to you...
You might want to consider talking to a child psychologist. Maybe some "play" therapy and some suggestions on how to handle the situation. If you can't talk with your son's father, maybe someone else can. He needs to know how this is affecting your son. Promises not kept is even worse than no communication at all.

Sending phin power your way. Hang in there.

[land_shark3]

Why I haven't had to deal directly with your situation, my fiancee was "shielded" from the wrong-doings of her father when she was growing up. I can tell you that it did NOT turn out well.

She could never understand why no one on her mom's or even her dad's side ever had anything positive to say about him. Her mom shielded her from the truth for about 10 years. It hurt her feelings that people spoke poorly of him until she actually saw him again. Now she sees why everyone tried to protect her, but she is upset that she wasn't told the truth and allowed to make her own decision.

Unfortunately, one of the big differences is that your son is MUCH younger than my finacee was. At your son's age, either way you go will be difficult. Much PHIN power to you.

[buffettbride]

((Nik)) I think the bad days are going around, that's for sure! Today is a doozie for me too!

I agree with what the others are saying. Dad needs to know how his behavior is affecting his son and what you are going to do to make it less stressful for your little guy. I would let your ex know, honestly, that you are the primary caretaker for your son and he (as almost all children do) thrives on consistency and routine and because of your ex's lacksadaisical attitude about parenting, your son is having some behavior problems.

I would simply let him know that you aren't going to let your son count on him and to not bother making plans or calling at all unless he knows without a doubt he can keep them. This might mean, though, getting very short notice when he does show up. Personally, I think I'd rather get 10 minutes notice and not have my child disappointed and albeit inconvenienced by that change, than delivering the heartbreaking news that "dad' isn't showing up again.

Another important thing, though, is to be very conscious of your custody agreement and document any deviations from that. The last thing you'd want his your ex coming back at you because you didn't allow his father to see him. Document every single time Dad says he's coming and doesn't--even if it's just a day planner where you mark down when you're expecting him to visit. I *think* that is admissable in court, if needed.

What I'd really like to tell you is to make your ex call when he knows for sure he'll be there and if it interferes with what you have planned, then tell him too bad, so sad. But...I know you want to do what you think is best for your son and help him have some sort of relationship with his dad.

Either way, though, your son will figure it out, and ultimately make his own decisions about the time he wants to spend with his dad.

I'm kinda a hardass when it comes to this. If dad doesn't want to spend time with his son...fine...but he has to realizes there are consequences--which means missing out on his son's fine life.

[ToplessRideFL]

You cannot control the actions of your son's father. You also should not make excuses to your son about your father. I dont mean you should talk badly about your ex.

You must speak to him about making promises he cannot keep to your son. In a non threatening tell him how much your son looks up to him and hangs on every word. Add that although you know he means well, he must stop telling him specific days and times he will see him.... if it may fall thru....instead while your keet is younger, he can tell you. This way you can give your son info as needed.

Because of job constraints, I did that with my keet's dad... if he told me something on Tues that may or may not happen... I waited until I had confirmation until I told my keet. Instead of him telling your son... see you tomorrow ... ask him to say, see you soon.

[kitty]

I wonder if your ex isn't just making promises because it is easier than be honest...most men say things that we want to hear that they know are not always the truth, and they know it. It may be what they want to happen or what we want to happen, even though it is not likely going to. Not that different with their children. It is easier to say "I will see you this week" to make the child happy...then to be honest and say "I am not sure when I will be able to see you next". It is easier and maybe feels right to your ex to say what your son wants to hear without realizing the effect it is having.
You need to let him know that it is not OK to promise or even suggest he is going to visit unless it is for sure. Maybe you can tell your ex that you will allow even last minute visits..therefor allowing him to come on a moments notice when he can free up some time.
Even though I don't buy in to the "I have to work" line, a lot of people use it and I am not judging them. In my book, your children come first, no matter what. Maybe he should start to think about that?

[buffettbride]

yeah. do what kitty says!!

[Sam]

Hmmmmm I know someone going theough something similiar but the keets are older...one around 12-13 or so and the other about 16 or so...
Her case is different as he is doing it to cause her aggravation ( he is doing other things as well but that is irrelevant)

I do know you said you dont want to talk with him.... and as others have suggested you really need to do it and the sooner the better if you can.
It is for the betterment of y'all's son and both of you are responsible for him. I can only suggest from what little you have told us.

Is his Dad really working so much? Can he not at least call his son and have a few mins from on the road from wherever he is?

If you really believe that his Dad is really working and not slacking/shirking his responsibilities, then maybe ( I know it is a hard concept for children to understand but if Dad is really working) maybe try to explain that to your son, that Dad loves him and would be with him if he at possibly could be. Let him know as best you can. I know it is hard for people to make a living these days, but BLEEP should be able to make time for the family and kids too.
No matter what he needs a Dad and a stable father figure. It will save ALOT of potential future problems and life's lessons.

Much PHIN Power from here headed your way.

[BadHabitsAcctnt]

First the financial end of things: If/when support is recalculated, he will lost major points for not keeping his regular visitation and his lack of participatin actually hits his pocketbook. That was not first because I was prioritizing either, just how my mind works.

Secondly, I believe the discussions have been had over and over again, the dad is just not responsive to his son's needs nor has the dad figured out it's not about him yet(thank you Dr. Phil). The keet's father did not participate much even when he did live in the area. I do believe his job does get in the way, but not to the extent he has portrayed. Be that as it may, I don't know of any way to force a parent to participate. Unfortunately, in the long run, he will pay for his lack of appearance, but that does not make anything the boy is going through now any easier.

I guess the questions I see are this: How do you get someone to want to participate and how do you help the one who is waiting for that participation get through until that happens? You can talk until you are blue in the face and scream and holler, but that does not change the person on the other end from thinking they are only hurting the adult, not the child. I think in some ways the dad is trying to put the pressure on Nik, unfairly, to raise this little guy on her own(he can certainly point the finger at her for all the child's behavior's and say it not his fault). Not that she can't do it, but let's face it, it can be very grueling to put in your full day at work and then face the parenting responsibilities(basically alone) for a few more hours each night and every weekend. The courts do not have any influence over any of this either. I believe trying to get this man to act responsibly is near wasted effort. Again, that does not help the one who is being affected most. I think the best you can do is try to show as much patience and understanding you can, while still being fair and trying to make him realize that you love him and he can always depend on you. It's not easy, an you may not see your efforts for years, but try to do what you think is best and what will help him most. I believe he will find out, in time, about his father and you do well not to badmouth or belittle him.

Pleaes let me know what I can do to help, either of you.

[Crzy]

I was in the same situation... except I was the keet. after several times being disappointed that he wasn't coming... mom quit telling me. When he showed up it was a surprise. I never got my hope up and was excited when it happen as I had no knowledge. Sometimes that is the only way to go. My mom never badmouthed my dad... but he still showed his true colors over time and I got older and understood better. Just shield your keet as much as possible from the disspointment.

I have no idea if tha made any sense.. this topic still bothers me to this day as my situation with my father only got worse.. not better..

(((((((nik & keet)))))))))

[davesnik]

Thanks everyone for your time and support. It means alot to me. BHA has been as helpful as he possibly can and I really appreciate that too. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. When I have more time, I'll reply more.

[tequilatom]

Hey Niki.......i'm single and without keets...so i'm no expert.....i can wish you all the phin power in the world!!!


but, i do agree , you need to talk to the dad on what he is doing!!


also......do you still get along with the dad's parents??? Maybe they can say something to him???

[mermaidindisguise]

I would have your son draw a picture of how he feels - several if needed. Art therapy is great for 3-5 year olds and if any of his pictures reflects his sadness in Dad not showing up...... feel free to send a copy to Dad - maybe if he see's how upset he is making his son by these empty promises and constant let downs he would make more of an effort to show up. It reminds me of the movie Liar Liar but unfortunately we can't wish for him to be unable to - but wait - better yet - send him a copy of the movie and tell him to watch - maybe he will get the point??? If only he could put himself in his son's shoes for a moment - empathy is a powerful thing!!