advice needed on my keet's DUI . .

pbans · Post by **pbans** » January 18, 2006 6:52 pm

Depends on the time frame, but he could be looking at felony DUI.
I'm assuming that alcohol is a problem in his life.....I'm sorry.
I've been through it with more family members than you would believe. Sounds like he needs some help.......
Not that it may make a huge difference, but if he starts treatment BEFORE he has to go to court, it may make a difference....depending on the judge.
Really, I'm sorry....as a Mom it's heartbreaking not to be able to "fix" it for them....but you can't. He has to fix this one himself.
I hope I'm not overstepping my bounds....well, I know I am, but I will anyway....consider dropping in to an Al-Anon meeting....you'll meet plenty of Moms, wives, sisters, daughters who are dealing with a loved one with an alcohol problem.....even if he's able to get back on track, the insight may help.....
Love to you, BG.....

balcony girls · Post by **balcony girls** » January 18, 2006 6:52 pm

thanks, R2 . .

exactly what I'm looking for . .

Capt.Flock · Post by **Capt.Flock** » January 18, 2006 6:54 pm

DUI 4511.19 (A)(1)(f) Blood Test with a concentration equal to or greater than .17 of 1% by weight of alcohol in the whole blood.
Super DUI is
DUI 4511.19(A)(1)(g) The person has a concentration of two hundred four-thousandths (.204) of one per cent or more by weight per unit volume of alcohol in the person's blood serum or plasma
DUI 4511.19 (A)(1)(h) Breath Test with a concentration equal to or greater than .170 of 1 gram by weight (B.A.C.) per 210 liters of breath.

DUI 4511.19 (A)(1)(i) Urine Test with concentration equal to or greater than .238 weight of alcohol per 100 milliliters of urine.

DUI 4511.19 (A)(2) Refusing the chemical test(s) if within 20 years of the new offense, has been previously convicted of division (A)(1) or (B) of this section or a municipal OVI offense.

balcony girls · Post by **balcony girls** » January 18, 2006 6:54 pm

pbans wrote:Depends on the time frame, but he could be looking at felony DUI.
I'm assuming that alcohol is a problem in his life.....I'm sorry.
I've been through it with more family members than you would believe. Sounds like he needs some help.......
Not that it may make a huge difference, but if he starts treatment BEFORE he has to go to court, it may make a difference....depending on the judge.
Really, I'm sorry....as a Mom it's heartbreaking not to be able to "fix" it for them....but you can't. He has to fix this one himself.
I hope I'm not overstepping my bounds....well, I know I am, but I will anyway....consider dropping in to an Al-Anon meeting....you'll meet plenty of Moms, wives, sisters, daughters who are dealing with a loved one with an alcohol problem.....even if he's able to get back on track, the insight may help.....
Love to you, BG.....

I really took this one to heart . . thank you , Paige . .

Quiet and Shy · Post by **Quiet and Shy** » January 18, 2006 6:54 pm

balcony girls wrote:
AlbatrossFlyer wrote:plain and simple, he's going to need a very good lawyer.....
been there, done that . .

and let me add this to the mix . .

he is 30+ years old . .and a multi-repeater . . . 4, in fact . . I only knew of 2 . .

so . . .please, my friends . . don't be delicate . . nor " BN correct " . .

I'm looking for solutions . . not a fix-it. .

Wow, I'm so sorry (((BG))). I'm not a parent, but my thought is it might be time for some tough love...they're his actions, he's responsible for them and now he needs to deal and live with the consequences -- fine, jail, loss of license, etc. That doesn't mean you don't love or don't care about him, but on this he's just got to learn. This isn't a victimless crime...way too many innocent people die from drunk drivers. As a multi-repeat offender I suspect he needs counseling/treatment as well...he's just gotta dig himself out of that trap.

tequilatom · Post by **tequilatom** » January 18, 2006 6:56 pm

4 TIMES.....In Connecticut........he loses his license for a long long time.........attend AA......And if no jail time.........a ton of community service..............i have no idea what the best solution is...........if it was me after the 1st time....if it happened again....my parents would of hung me out th dry to learn a lesson!!!....but again if it happened to me once i probably would not drink if i was driving.......Many years ago ...back in HS.....W e were at a HS dance......well we stashed some beers in the woods tp pick up after........so we leave the dance to go and pick up the beers....as we pullout.....who is behind me ....the police.....so we drive his lights come on and my friends are tossing them out the window........thank god i wasn't drunk at the time........but i ended up going to court...no fine ........but had to spend a day at AA and watching movies that would put fear into anyone........also had my car taken away from me the remainder of the school year........little hard to date and it wasn't a fun year!!

pbans · Post by **pbans** » January 18, 2006 7:01 pm

balcony girls wrote:
pbans wrote:Depends on the time frame, but he could be looking at felony DUI.
I'm assuming that alcohol is a problem in his life.....I'm sorry.
I've been through it with more family members than you would believe. Sounds like he needs some help.......
Not that it may make a huge difference, but if he starts treatment BEFORE he has to go to court, it may make a difference....depending on the judge.
Really, I'm sorry....as a Mom it's heartbreaking not to be able to "fix" it for them....but you can't. He has to fix this one himself.
I hope I'm not overstepping my bounds....well, I know I am, but I will anyway....consider dropping in to an Al-Anon meeting....you'll meet plenty of Moms, wives, sisters, daughters who are dealing with a loved one with an alcohol problem.....even if he's able to get back on track, the insight may help.....
Love to you, BG.....
I really took this one to heart . . thank you , Paige . .

XOXO
You're welcome.....
PM me anytime....

parrotsgirl · Post by **parrotsgirl** » January 18, 2006 7:01 pm

{{{{{BG}}}}}}
sorry I dont know anything about this matter....but wanted to send ya some phin power.....

also...take Paige's advice.... it's amazing how many people go to al anon that you might be able to relate too....and it kinda makes ya feel not so alone.....

balcony girls · Post by **balcony girls** » January 18, 2006 7:13 pm

Quiet and Shy wrote: Wow, I'm so sorry (((BG))). I'm not a parent, but my thought is it might be time for some tough love...they're his actions, he's responsible for them and now he needs to deal and live with the consequences -- fine, jail, loss of license, etc. That doesn't mean you don't love or don't care about him, but on this he's just got to learn. This isn't a victimless crime...way too many innocent people die from drunk drivers. As a multi-repeat offender I suspect he needs counseling/treatment as well...he's just gotta dig himself out of that trap.

this is the " BINGO " I was kind of looking for . . .

. .but then it becomes the " what do you mean , you didn't help him . ? ? " . . ( I've already gotten those phone calls). . as well as the " so when are you gonna get him out . ? ? "

sy · Post by sy » January 18, 2006 7:24 pm

balcony girls wrote:
Quiet and Shy wrote: Wow, I'm so sorry (((BG))). I'm not a parent, but my thought is it might be time for some tough love...they're his actions, he's responsible for them and now he needs to deal and live with the consequences -- fine, jail, loss of license, etc. That doesn't mean you don't love or don't care about him, but on this he's just got to learn. This isn't a victimless crime...way too many innocent people die from drunk drivers. As a multi-repeat offender I suspect he needs counseling/treatment as well...he's just gotta dig himself out of that trap.
this is the " BINGO " I was kind of looking for . . .

. .but then it becomes the " what do you mean , you didn't help him . ? ? " . . ( I've already gotten those phone calls). . as well as the " so when are you gonna get him out . ? ? "

I'm not a mom, but have a cousin who had 2 dui's. First time, her mom bailed her out, pulled strings, and so on. My aunt's in-laws regaled her on how good of a mother she was. The rest of us sat back and shook our heads. The second time, her mom let her sit in jail and pay the fines herself. She told her she give her all of the emotional support she could and would drive her to AA classes, but that was all. It was the wakeup call she needed and hasn't touched alcohol since (best guess is around 8 years now). I had a lot of respect for my aunt for standing up and making my cousin take responsibility for her actions and in hindsight, so does my cousin to this day.

I'm so sorry to hear this, but I really think he's only going to learn the hard way, as hard as that is for you to see him go through that.

But that's just my opinion.

(((BG)))

ragtopW · Post by **ragtopW** » January 18, 2006 7:28 pm

RinglingRingling wrote:
AlbatrossFlyer wrote:plain and simple, he's going to need a very good lawyer.....
and if OH is any indication, about $10k for said lawyer in fees, reinstatements and the like. Not including much higher insurance rates, and maybe specially-coloured license tags if he is lucky and can retain driving privileges to work and back.

they figure in CA.. it is closer to 30K

Cubbie Bear · Post by **Cubbie Bear** » January 18, 2006 7:29 pm

Should have seen the 4x post.

In Florida...

Fine of not less than $1000 (no ceiling)

Imprisonment of up to 5 years

Perminant Revokation of Driving priveledge

http://www.hsmv.state.fl.us/handbooks/E ... h_202.html

30 years old? Tell him how to find a lawyer (don't pay) and wish him luck. I don't mean to sound harsh, but four is inexcusable. He has made his bed....... sorry for the hurt.

balcony girls · Post by **balcony girls** » January 18, 2006 7:38 pm

Cubbie Bear wrote: Tell him how to find a lawyer (don't pay) and wish him luck. I don't mean to sound harsh, but four is inexcusable. He has made his bed....... sorry for the hurt.

no hurt . . really . . I've already lived that . . .for many years of being a single Mom . .

just trying to get past the " Mom" thing . .

you guys are great . . .

thank you . . .

Lisa G · Post by **Lisa G** » January 18, 2006 7:38 pm

((((((((((((BG))))))))))))))))......... My brother got railroaded in years ago............. Yeah, he screwed up and it was what it was.......... Can't offer much advice, but my support.............. I only wish the best for you & your family.................

Vinnie................

Quiet and Shy · Post by **Quiet and Shy** » January 18, 2006 7:42 pm

sy wrote:
balcony girls wrote:
Quiet and Shy wrote: Wow, I'm so sorry (((BG))). I'm not a parent, but my thought is it might be time for some tough love...they're his actions, he's responsible for them and now he needs to deal and live with the consequences -- fine, jail, loss of license, etc. That doesn't mean you don't love or don't care about him, but on this he's just got to learn. This isn't a victimless crime...way too many innocent people die from drunk drivers. As a multi-repeat offender I suspect he needs counseling/treatment as well...he's just gotta dig himself out of that trap.
this is the " BINGO " I was kind of looking for . . .

. .but then it becomes the " what do you mean , you didn't help him . ? ? " . . ( I've already gotten those phone calls). . as well as the " so when are you gonna get him out . ? ? "
I'm not a mom, but have a cousin who had 2 dui's. First time, her mom bailed her out, pulled strings, and so on. My aunt's in-laws regaled her on how good of a mother she was. The rest of us sat back and shook our heads. The second time, her mom let her sit in jail and pay the fines herself. She told her she give her all of the emotional support she could and would drive her to AA classes, but that was all. It was the wakeup call she needed and hasn't touched alcohol since (best guess is around 8 years now). I had a lot of respect for my aunt for standing up and making my cousin take responsibility for her actions and in hindsight, so does my cousin to this day.

I'm so sorry to hear this, but I really think he's only going to learn the hard way, as hard as that is for you to see him go through that.

But that's just my opinion.

(((BG)))

Sy, that's a great example of providing the right kind of "help/support" that he may need right now vs. the bailing him out, etc.

A lot of my previous post is from hearing a friend talk about what all they've been through with their son (who's now about 35). The situation is a bit different yet very similar; he seems to finally be taking some real steps forward since he's had to own up to and take on the responsibility himself vs. falling back on others (parents, etc.) to cover for him.

As to what others say...if a reply is needed, let them know that as a caring parent, you're just trying to focus on what he truly needs for the long term. It reminds me of a story about giving someone a fish vs. teaching them to fish....

(((BG)))

iuparrothead · Post by **iuparrothead** » January 18, 2006 8:39 pm

Very sorry...

(((BG)))

kurt · Post by **kurt** » January 18, 2006 8:41 pm

The times I could have been arrested back in my 20's are too high to post; however, your son is in his 30's AND he's a repeat offender AND not just a 2X but 4X repeat offender? He's not going to learn till some really tough love... but I don't have any kids...

Now in my case, staying in my own home with my better half (don't tell her I said that

) and watching Buffett at Finway is a different story.

Desdamona · Post by **Desdamona** » January 18, 2006 8:50 pm

balcony girls wrote:
Cubbie Bear wrote: Tell him how to find a lawyer (don't pay) and wish him luck. I don't mean to sound harsh, but four is inexcusable. He has made his bed....... sorry for the hurt.
no hurt . . really . . I've already lived that . . .for many years of being a single Mom . .

just trying to get past the " Mom" thing . .

you guys are great . . .

thank you . . .

I've been lucky. My guys are in their mid & late 20s and I've never had to
experience anything like this. But based on experiences of others, I definitely
agree with Cubbie. A family friend (my age) was repeated bailed out by his
parents and that's what they got for it... more opportunities to bail him out.

For your son's sake, I hope this can be a wake-up call for him. There are
much worse things than losing your car, your license, or your freedom.
How would he feel if he ran a child down or hit a pregnant woman? He
needs to accept responsibility for his thoughtless misdeeds.

All that said, here's a hug... (((BG)))

Post by **SMLCHNG** » January 18, 2006 8:52 pm

I'm so sorry, Ethel.

No real advice, cause you've gotten a lot of good stuff, already. But let HIM take care of his mess, hard as it is.

(((Sweet C))))

ph4ever · Post by **ph4ever** » January 18, 2006 8:57 pm

BG - I wish I had seen this earlier as I just moved to the Seattle area this past summer. King Co takes DUI VERY SERIOUSLY.

Obviously your son either has no respect at all for the law or has an addiction problem. I overcame my addiction years ago and speaking from the point of view of someone that knows the addict mentality, I wouldn't bail him out, put money on his account or hire an attorney. I would support him emotionally like q&s and Sy said. A addict has to reach bottom and if they are constantly being bailed out of their messes then you really aren't helping them but rather enabling them. One must reach bottom, be it prison or death or by some lucky stroke - a desire to change your life. The first and third are way better than the second.

My heart goes out to you. (((((BG)))))