.Dear Mings . .

[RinglingRingling]

Dear Mings,

I must attend an event and my ex will also be there. How do I handle this situation? Ignore him and his skanky wife? Kill him with kindness? Drink heavily and hope it will all pass in a blurr?

And if all else fails... where can I hide the body?

I'll help hide the body.
Not sure even alligators will eat it, but we can toss it in a swamp to find out!

Crustaceans.. carrion feeders. Much better for body-disposal.

[mings]

Dear Mings,

I must attend an event and my ex will also be there. How do I handle this situation? Ignore him and his skanky wife? Kill him with kindness? Drink heavily and hope it will all pass in a blurr?

And if all else fails... where can I hide the body?

Dear Candy is dandy,

Your situation poses an interesting dilemma, but not one without fun and a variety of answers. You can be the "bigger person" and treat him and her very politely and dignified, or you can get blasted. However, I can tell you that neither will be as satisfying as being confident and bold. Do not avoid, but do not seek him out. Then he will inevitably bump into you at some point and you simply tell him that you never knew life could be so good, and that you pity the woman he's with now, but not enough to actually give a damn. Then you walk away with your head up and smiling. Justice is yours, and retribution is sweet.

What, you were expecting me to say "kill him with kindness"? You wrote to the wrong prawn then.

As for hiding the body, that is a concern not for you, but if you must (read: couldn't line up a hit in time), then my suggestion is in the bathroom of a Waffle House. It is not unusual that people retreat to those rooms for extended periods of time due to the high grease content of everything (even the napkins) at such an establishment.

Mings

[sy]

Dear Mings,

Since you're pseudo good luck, can you give me numbers for a winning lottery ticket? Someplace to buy a winning scratch off card? The next slot machine I should play?

Thank you oh pseudo wise crustacean

[OceanCityGirl]

ya know, i'm a huge lost fan. Mr oc never watches but he was looking over my shoulder while they were entering the numbers. Then he went and played them on the lottery. I told him I would probably not want that prize. But then damn we didn't win anyway.

[sy]

ya know, i'm a huge lost fan. Mr oc never watches but he was looking over my shoulder while they were entering the numbers. Then he went and played them on the lottery. I told him I would probably not want that prize. But then damn we didn't win anyway.

I keep threatening hubby I'll play those numbers and he gets all paranoid about it. 'No good can come from those numbers!'

I have to remind him its a tv show

[LESTERPOLYESTER]

Dear Mings,
I think I may have a drinking problem. What do you think? Do I need help? Where can I find said help?

[RinglingRingling]

Dear Mings,
I think I may have a drinking problem. What do you think? Do I need help? Where can I find said help?

I can't wait to hear this one.

[rsgeist]

Dear Mings,
I think I may have a drinking problem. What do you think? Do I need help? Where can I find said help?

I can't wait to hear this one.

Yeah, but I think Mings is gonna need more info on the nature of the "problem". I figure unless the liquor cabinet or fridge is empty or you can't open the bottle or can, you don't have a problem.

[El mojito]

Dear Mings,
Is true that you are a "dynasty" or are you just a vase

[mings]

Dear Mings,

Since you're pseudo good luck, can you give me numbers for a winning lottery ticket? Someplace to buy a winning scratch off card? The next slot machine I should play?

Thank you oh pseudo wise crustacean

Dear Hoping-to-strike-it-rich-in-PA,

I can give numbers, but the question is, what was your previous routine? See, routines are meant to be followed, and then broken. For instance, if you chose numbers that have significance, than do that we shall not.

So we must examine the numbers.... they're good. Use them. I suggest using numbers that have their roots in the arabic language. Why? Because, using asian numbers would just be weird since most computers and hence lottery machines don't use the asain numbers. Also, I suggest choosing lucky numbers. That always works well.

Mings

[sy]

Dear Hoping-to-strike-it-rich-in-PA,

I can give numbers, but the question is, what was your previous routine? See, routines are meant to be followed, and then broken. For instance, if you chose numbers that have significance, than do that we shall not.

So we must examine the numbers.... they're good. Use them. I suggest using numbers that have their roots in the arabic language. Why? Because, using asian numbers would just be weird since most computers and hence lottery machines don't use the asain numbers. Also, I suggest choosing lucky numbers. That always works well.

Mings

I'm lazy. I let the machine auto choose the numbers

[mings]

Dear Mings,
I think I may have a drinking problem. What do you think? Do I need help? Where can I find said help?

Dear 1970's Lester,

In short, yes you do... have a drinking problem, that is. This is something I realized at Heartland as I watched you lay upon the bar wishing for more time to drink more beers. You see my friend, the problem is not your drinking, but rather the fact that you have surrounded yourself with people who want you to get a job and to do things for them rather than spend your time drinking as you would like. To remedy this problem you must embark on a multi-task journey. First you must break this horrific misconception that alcohol is meant in moderation, and only at certain times. So this with the assistance of a flask. Ahhhhh. See - a good swig of a flask is important anytime and anywhere, but I digress. Once you have incorporated some JD into your lunch and some Schlitz Malt Liquor into your cereal, you are well on your way to solving step one of the problem. Secondly, you must set the lowest standards possible, so as to still seem somewhat compliant with societal norms. Once these standards are set (ie. underwear goes on under the pants/shorts) then you clearly able to maintain such friendships with those who are unaware and unwilling to solve their problem. Lastly, you must work towards consistency, because there are people who have other problems who will try to save you, try to remove the bottle from your hand. Disallow this. Maintain a constant and satisfying level of inebreation so as to make this task as difficult as possible.

So, in closing, my unwrinkle-able fabic-clad friend, your problem lay with the unbending and closed minded society in which you live. If you cannot perform the tasks above, you can always try the Last Resort. Take a tour of a brewery and stow away, and nightly feed upon the wonderful beer in the vats around you.

Either way, best of luck, and damn society for placing such restrictions on something so right.

Mings

[SuperTrooper]

Dear Mings,
I think I may have a drinking problem. What do you think? Do I need help? Where can I find said help?

I can't wait to hear this one.

Yeah, but I think Mings is gonna need more info on the nature of the "problem". I figure unless the liquor cabinet or fridge is empty or you can't open the bottle or can, you don't have a problem.

Maybe it's a drinking problem like Ted Striker had in "Airplane".

[Burny Charles]

Dear Mings,

The top of my computer desk fills up to quickly with empty beer bottles, and then I don't have much room to move my mouse around. Which multiple choice answer do you think would be the best solution.

A. Buy a larger computer desk
B. Ease up on the drankin just a tad
C. Practice better housekeeping skills
D. Other

Thanks for your help.

[LESTERPOLYESTER]

Dear Mings,
I think I may have a drinking problem. What do you think? Do I need help? Where can I find said help?

Dear 1970's Lester,

In short, yes you do... have a drinking problem, that is. This is something I realized at Heartland as I watched you lay upon the bar wishing for more time to drink more beers. You see my friend, the problem is not your drinking, but rather the fact that you have surrounded yourself with people who want you to get a job and to do things for them rather than spend your time drinking as you would like. To remedy this problem you must embark on a multi-task journey. First you must break this horrific misconception that alcohol is meant in moderation, and only at certain times. So this with the assistance of a flask. Ahhhhh. See - a good swig of a flask is important anytime and anywhere, but I digress. Once you have incorporated some JD into your lunch and some Schlitz Malt Liquor into your cereal, you are well on your way to solving step one of the problem. Secondly, you must set the lowest standards possible, so as to still seem somewhat compliant with societal norms. Once these standards are set (ie. underwear goes on under the pants/shorts) then you clearly able to maintain such friendships with those who are unaware and unwilling to solve their problem. Lastly, you must work towards consistency, because there are people who have other problems who will try to save you, try to remove the bottle from your hand. Disallow this. Maintain a constant and satisfying level of inebreation so as to make this task as difficult as possible.

So, in closing, my unwrinkle-able fabic-clad friend, your problem lay with the unbending and closed minded society in which you live. If you cannot perform the tasks above, you can always try the Last Resort. Take a tour of a brewery and stow away, and nightly feed upon the wonderful beer in the vats around you.

Either way, best of luck, and damn society for placing such restrictions on something so right.

Mings

so then I don't have the problem, they do? intersting and very enabling advice...ROCK ON!!!

[mings]

Dear Mings,
Is true that you are a "dynasty" or are you just a vase

Dear Great Cuban Drink That You Are,

I get this question a lot as my readers often become intrigued with the level of knowledge and wisdom that I present daily. It is only normal to wonder if that which you read is real. The answer surprises all - I am both. I am a "dynasty". As Messers Merriam and Webster will describe "Dynasty", it is to them, a powerful group or family that maintains its position for a long time. Since dynasty's are not possible with individuals, unless they are part of a greater whole, it is important to remember that I am a collection of various personalities, all of whom are able to control something. I am a vase as well, as I am the holder of many things, a container for knowledge and experiences that would otherwise have no home. The other thing about a vase is that they are naturally empty, which is eeriely similar to the status of my head, as there is nothing in there.

So that is the story of Mings.

Mings

[mings]

Dear Mings,
I think I may have a drinking problem. What do you think? Do I need help? Where can I find said help?

Dear 1970's Lester,

In short, yes you do... have a drinking problem, that is. This is something I realized at Heartland as I watched you lay upon the bar wishing for more time to drink more beers. You see my friend, the problem is not your drinking, but rather the fact that you have surrounded yourself with people who want you to get a job and to do things for them rather than spend your time drinking as you would like. To remedy this problem you must embark on a multi-task journey. First you must break this horrific misconception that alcohol is meant in moderation, and only at certain times. So this with the assistance of a flask. Ahhhhh. See - a good swig of a flask is important anytime and anywhere, but I digress. Once you have incorporated some JD into your lunch and some Schlitz Malt Liquor into your cereal, you are well on your way to solving step one of the problem. Secondly, you must set the lowest standards possible, so as to still seem somewhat compliant with societal norms. Once these standards are set (ie. underwear goes on under the pants/shorts) then you clearly able to maintain such friendships with those who are unaware and unwilling to solve their problem. Lastly, you must work towards consistency, because there are people who have other problems who will try to save you, try to remove the bottle from your hand. Disallow this. Maintain a constant and satisfying level of inebreation so as to make this task as difficult as possible.

So, in closing, my unwrinkle-able fabic-clad friend, your problem lay with the unbending and closed minded society in which you live. If you cannot perform the tasks above, you can always try the Last Resort. Take a tour of a brewery and stow away, and nightly feed upon the wonderful beer in the vats around you.

Either way, best of luck, and damn society for placing such restrictions on something so right.

Mings

so then I don't have the problem, they do? intersting and very enabling advice...ROCK ON!!!

In essance, this is true, and the truth shall set you free.

[mings]

Dear Mings,

The top of my computer desk fills up to quickly with empty beer bottles, and then I don't have much room to move my mouse around. Which multiple choice answer do you think would be the best solution.

A. Buy a larger computer desk
B. Ease up on the drankin just a tad
C. Practice better housekeeping skills
D. Other

Thanks for your help.

Dear Oh-Singed One,

This problem is quite serious, but not serious enough that we must call the propper authorities. I could chose any of the responses listed with your question, but what is important to remember is that the solution is not always obvious. Hence I select Other, and I shall elaborate on the reasoning.

I think you should buy a larger desk, this is clear, but also only still delays the inevitable. I think you should improve the housekeeping skills, but not your own. I think you should improve those skills by dialing a phone number - and then subsequently find an illegal immigrant who will galdly work for 2 beers and a few nachos or a hot dog. The challenge is to find these people, because supply is limited yet demand is high for these soldiers of capitalism.

Never reduce your drinking. Increase. Increase. Increase. My final suggestion is to incorporate these empties into a game and make a design. The right design could win you worldwide fame and lots of money...for more alcohol.

Keep up the good work.

Mings

[Burny Charles]

Thank you! Very enlightening!

Now if I could figure out how to keep track of which bottle I am drinking from, and not drink in one that I have ashed a cigarrette in.

[Crzy]

Dear Mings -

I am in the process of packing for the move to my first house. My problem is that I am beginning to bounce off the walls uncontrollably due to overwhelming excitement. This uncontrollable bouncing then leads to the knocking over of the boxes I have packed causing a large mess and the need to repack. Is this a normal occurance or do you recommend a remedy for the above mentioned bouncing?