My Father...the *&%^...am I bitter???

jimolliemom · Post by **jimolliemom** » August 23, 2006 10:57 pm

You bethcha I am...

He left when I was 2. I was the latest of SIX daughters and I wasn't the Son "He deserved" (and WHO decided that anyway??) He called on Christmas day the year I was 7. I ran into him at a race track when I was on a date with Hubby (long before he was hubby) when I was 16. He didn't recognize me but I did him from pictures. Now, his birthday is coming up Sept. 1st and for some reason, it's really bothering me now. He's 71 and a very mean man. I always thought growing up, he and my Mom had problems so SURELY when I turn 18, he'll look for me. After all, I was still in the same city (I was until 2001) Well, I'm 35 this year and I know what state he moved to but that's it. Nothing from him in 33 years. I'm totally hurt and very mad. Should I attempt to locate him. I have his brother's address and phone. I have MANY sisters that I know about and probably more I don't. My Mom was wife 3 and the first daughter doesn't even know I exist.
So, I need some BN feedback. Should I make an attempt before he's dead and it's too late? Should I s*** it up and move on?? After all, I am grown with a family of my own. My Mom is worried he will try to hurt me or her (again) and she is scared about it. He was VERY abusive to her and has a terrible temper and is an alcoholic. This is coming from many folks, not just my Mom. Although, she never said anything bad about him until I was grown and I asked. I decided to call him by his name rather that Dad. So, what do I do? When I think of little girls and their Dads, I could still cry today...hell, there I go again...How can a man just up and walk away from a beautiful baby girl?? I was only 2...what in the world could I have done???? Any thoughts on this??? Has anyone else gone through this??

jonesbeach10 · Post by **jonesbeach10** » August 23, 2006 11:03 pm

I don't know if I can offer any advice, but I can offer hug filled with good thoughts

(((jimolliemom)))

Island_Lullaby · Post by **Island_Lullaby** » August 23, 2006 11:07 pm

Sorry that I can't offer any advice, but just know that YOU did nothing wrong!!!!!!!!!!!

Post by **SMLCHNG** » August 23, 2006 11:12 pm

Sorry Jill.. I've not been in your situation so I can't 'relate'. But as an outsider looking in? You've stated and heard nothing but bad things about him. What will you gain by trying to find and talk to him? I'd venture to guess more dissapointment and heartbreak. Some people aren't aren't 'meant' to be parents. They can father a child, but never be a dad - or a mom for that matter. It's nothing you have done, period. I wish you good luck, and peace in your quest.

Coconuts · Post by **Coconuts** » August 23, 2006 11:34 pm

For starters, you need to realize, really, truly realize that his decisions have nothing to do with you- they are his demons, and not something that was your fault, or really had anything to do with you. You just got shafted in the deal, and you have every right to be angry- but how will that help you? If it won't help, then let it go- scream or hit a pillow or a punching bag or kick the dog (kidding about the dog), or meditate until it gets better- and it will get better, but it's a slow process.

But why would you want a relationship with him? So he was there for the fun part at the beginning- you only share DNA, and no matter what, he'll never be the "daddy" you want- he wasn't there for too much of your life to develop that. Even if he apologized, you can't make up for 33 years without contact, and if he really wanted to apologize, he could find you. And besides- why do you need him? What can he offer to benefit your life? A crazy alcoholic grandfather to throw tantrums and terrify your kids? Why do you think he would do anything besides disappoint you?

And I haven't been in your exact situation, but I don't speak to my biological father. I was in nearly the same boat, but we were in contact for a few years before I realized I don't care about him. He's not my Dad (my stepdad is), he's the jerk who left and only wanted a relationship once I was old enough to be cool to hang out with, and I don't have any responsibility to him (did I mention there were lots of guilt trips about my not having time to spend with him- yeah, no contact except once for 16 years and I have to visit once a month or there's a guilt trip? F that).

MacPhin · Post by **MacPhin** » August 23, 2006 11:36 pm

SMLCHNG wrote: Sorry Jill.. I've not been in your situation so I can't 'relate'. But as an outsider looking in? You've stated and heard nothing but bad things about him. What will you gain by trying to find and talk to him? I'd venture to guess more dissapointment and heartbreak. Some people aren't aren't 'meant' to be parents. They can father a child, but never be a dad - or a mom for that matter. It's nothing you have done, period. I wish you good luck, and peace in your quest.

i totally agree. i think even though it is easier said than done, forget him. it seems like he would only bring you harm. warm thoughts your way in dealing with this difficult situation.

MacPhin · Post by **MacPhin** » August 23, 2006 11:38 pm

another thought. his loss on missing out on you and your family. no loss on your part with the way he is.

remember, he walked, not you...and you did nothing wrong.

Coconuts · Post by **Coconuts** » August 23, 2006 11:39 pm

And I did not mean to come off as harsh or attacking- I think it looks harsher in type than it sounds in my head, please don't take it that way.

UAHparrothead · Post by **UAHparrothead** » August 23, 2006 11:45 pm

I have come from a similar situation, althought not as severe. My father was also an alcoholic and has cleaned up, but beneath that lies the worse problem of his selfishness. I sense a lot of hurt and anger in your words and these feelings are more than justified. However, let me offer you something different...forgiveness. I know it seems hard and even the thought of forgiveness makes your fists clench and the hairs on the back of your neck stand up, but a preacher once said that holding on to anger and hatred is like drinking poison yourself and waiting for someone else to die. It will eat away at your soul until your are left with nothing but bitterness. Just think about it, I don't know if reuniting will solve any problems but maybe just maybe there is a small part of your father that wants to be forgiven even though the demons and the scars that he carries might make it hard to see. Just know that there are those you love you and will see you through this.

Burny Charles · Post by **Burny Charles** » August 23, 2006 11:47 pm

How do your sisters feel about the situation.?

YesterdaysOverMyShoulder · August 23, 2006 11:59 pm

Jill?

I have been in your situation , with both of my parents , at different times in my life.

My dad was/is an alcoholic and I did not speak to him for many years. Decades, actually. However, he got sober thru the program of Alcoholics Anonymous in April of 1969 and I started letting him back in my life in 1982. It took that long before I trusted him to stay sober. We have a wonderful relationship today! But there is still that 16 yrs I didn't trust him, speak to him, or have any relationship with him.

My mother became a very hateful bitter woman , due to this and other things...It is why I was raised by my grandmother. Neither parent could , or would, take care of us. My sister and brother and I all went to different relatives.

Mom was mean as a snake and like I said , bitter and hateful. I wanted her to be normal and I wanted her to love me...( I got mixed up on thinking she hated me instead of understanding she didn't love herself at all, therefore, didn't/couldn't love anyone else. It took years for me to realize that she did NOT have my best interests at heart, and really didn't care about anyone . I WANTED so badly for it to be different, and couldn't understan why she was the way she was..and I tried and tried and tried....and got hurt every time.

I finally gave up on any relationship with her. And you know what? It felt good to be free from the guilt...free from the "what did I do?" free from the "if only's", etc.....Just Free.

When I heard she was very sick and dying...I went. I said everything I ever wanted to say to her. I forgave her and asked her to forgive me. I also told her it was ok to let go. That she had had a rough life and if she wanted, to just let go. She died, 20 minutes later. With me holding her.

People ask me why I went , when she was such an awful parent. The only answer I can give is "I've been taught to do the next right thing, always, and going to see her was the right thing to do"
I feel better that I went ; yes.
But I DO NOT feel bad for all those years I did not go see her. Not one bit. It would not have changed anything. I know this , as I tried. I cannot change anyone, but myself.
And thank God, I had a loving grandmother, who gave her all to me, and for me. Without her, I would have been lost!

Don't let that guilt get to you...and don't fall in to the Pity trap either...feeling pity for him , or for your children for not knowing their grandfather...a very wise woman told me one time..."Child? You keep sitting on that pity pot and all you are going to get is a ring around your a$$!"

I miss her all the time!

And you know what?

It made me SUCH a better parent. My kids never went one day without knowing they were loved....and I know this is the kind of parent you are too after reading your posts for so long....

Don't know if any of this helped...I hope there was something you could relate to...or benefit from...and will pray for clarity for you on the subject...that is all I can do....

Take care...

Desdamona · Post by **Desdamona** » August 24, 2006 12:04 am

Burny Charles wrote:How do your sisters feel about the situation.?

Bad question. Don't ask about "sisters" here.

warmsugar · Post by **warmsugar** » August 24, 2006 12:42 am

You say you have a family of your own...then this man would not be good for them to be around. For yourself...do not hold onto any anger or bitterenss...it will eat you alive and weight down your heart. So in your heart, forgive him, then move on as it sounds like you have anyways.
Lessons are to be learned from everything. I'd guess you learned how to not be like him as a parent or spouse? Maybe it just was not in him to be a good person...that is something you have no control over. Best of luck.

creeky · Post by **creeky** » August 24, 2006 1:52 am

My dad ran away from us .... althought I Was in my 20's and he has mental/addiction issues and decided we were all evil.

It was my dad's birthday on Tuesday and I did sit and think - how lonely he is ...... no family - but in the end - HE MADE THE CHOICE ......

Thats about all the advice I can give .....

RinglingRingling · Post by **RinglingRingling** » August 24, 2006 4:51 am

Gotta say what most everyone else is saying: it's hard for a 2 year old to do something to offend a mature adult. He walked of his own volition, and given his choice, there are consequences. If it were important to him to have his family, he'd be in contact, no matter how brief or sketchy.

I'd just write him off as being about as important as the sperm-donor in an artificial-insemination project and focus on the people that are in your life.

tequilatom · Post by **tequilatom** » August 24, 2006 7:30 am

i too haven't been in that situation......but me....if he wanted no part....i probably would of forgot about him years ago!!!.........whatever you do would be the right decision ......as long as you feel it was the right decision!!!...best of luck to you!!

jimolliemom · Post by **jimolliemom** » August 24, 2006 7:41 am

I know in my head you all are right and by no means have I taken offense to any of it. I appreciate it all. I just feel like I have SO much to say and no one to say it to!

As far as the sisters....who the heck knows...I am an only child for my Mom. Like most, my family is weird but all of my fathers children are MIA. Even the one I DID try to contact, I can not find her. The others, I have no need for. They know, they were there, they left too. The "other" sister is another story. BAD BAD person and I wrote her off and that part wasn't as hard. She hurt lots of people I love and we had our "talk". I have nothing else to say to her.

I do not want that daddy relationship. Don't get me wrong, 30 years ago it would have been nice...but it never happened. I just want justification. The more I think about it, the more unreasonable it sounds...because there isn't any. I look into Jim and Mollie's eyes and the idea of leaving (even for the much needed Mommy break) I don't like. I just want to know...how can a man just walk away????

(I know Des...I will never understand because I'm not that kind of person!!)...BTW, that's the SMARTEST thing anyone has ever said to me!!! Guess it's time to LISTEN to you huh!!!???!!!

buffettbride · Post by **buffettbride** » August 24, 2006 7:52 am

Wow... your family is as messed up as mine!! WOOOHOOO!!!!!

Just toss in a child molester step-brother and a chlamydia epidemic among step-sisters and we're practically twins!

But, I don't know what you should do. Whatever feels like it will make you feel best. If you decide, no matter what your dad does, that he can't hurt you..if it makes you feel better to write a letter to him or something to say words you need to say, then do it. He really is the unfortunate one who has no idea what a wonderful gal you turned out to be--not to mention your cutie pie kiddos!!

((Jill))

MalibuRumGirl · Post by **MalibuRumGirl** » August 24, 2006 8:28 am

I don't know about this, I've never been in this situation. Being that he's 71 you may want to do something because one day he'll be gone but your bitterness won't. Maybe you should put all of your feelings into a letter. Let him know the hurt you still feel. Pour it all out. If he responds with something positive... fine. But if he doesn't at least you laid all of your cards out and you'll have peace that you did something.

jimolliemom · Post by **jimolliemom** » August 24, 2006 8:30 am

Thanks Mal...and everyone else too! I know it's not a "me" issue...it's a "him" issue but it doesn't make me feel any better. I can give pep talks all day but to listen to someone else...that's a lot harder.

I've debated writing him and mailing it to somewhere he will never be...or maybe to him where I know he is. Weather he reads it or not, I'd feel better...I think. (I just did this with that bad sister and I do feel better...and she DID get it! Nothing ugly, just facts and how they made me feel) I really don't want to talk to him, other than to ask what in the world would make a man do that. Again, Yes Des, I am listening...

Maybe that IS the best idea. Then I can work on forgivness. He IS sick, mentally and more...he IS old...and I can't see one INCH of him in me or my children...(Thank GOODNESS!)

Now, speaking of those children, Mollie is sick and needs Mommy, Jim is ready for school and needs me to take him...and I'm on the 'puter!. I can handle an asthmatic, congested 7 year old who hates her inhaler MUCH better than an ignornant adult who hurt my feeling!!!

I'll be on later to let you know what I am going to do. I'm going to begin with trying to look at this through different eyes. Eyes of a grown woman, not a hurt little girl...even if that IS how I feel...