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flipflopgirl wrote:

txaggirl91 wrote:my advice - is that you have to be your own best friend before you can be a best friend to someone else. find out who YOU are rather than who you are in a couple. that way you can know what you bring to the relationship.

My parents are the types that think that if you are not in a relationship or married then there is something missing or wrong with your life.

It's frustrating to hear them take their little dings at me because
1. i'm divorced
2. i don't have kids (which means they don't have grandkids)
3. i can't have kids anymore (they know how sick i was and it was my only option but still it goes back to the grandkid thing)

they say they are proud of me and all that i have done in my life but i still don't feel like they REALLY understand why i got divorced. sometimes i think they wanted me to just s u c k it up and take the abuse from my ex beacuse having a "divorced" daughter would look bad to their friends. they have quit asking me if i am dating anyone because i refuse to tell them about that part of my life anymore. i told them when i had someone in my life that i was important enough to me then they would meet him.

do i want to find someone who i can spend the rest of my life with? sure i do. am i going to settle for just anyone? no way. i want someone who is going to be a partner in my life and accepts me for who i am rather than someone who wants to change me into something i am not. i would rather be single than be married and miserable.

GOOD GOD GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You took the words right out of my mouth! Except it is my father who i hear that stuff from! If my mom was still alive she would fully support me and the fact that i am not going to settle for someone who i am not going to be happy with!But everything else you said is right on the money!

txaggirl91 wrote:

flipflopgirl wrote:

txaggirl91 wrote:my advice - is that you have to be your own best friend before you can be a best friend to someone else. find out who YOU are rather than who you are in a couple. that way you can know what you bring to the relationship.

My parents are the types that think that if you are not in a relationship or married then there is something missing or wrong with your life.

It's frustrating to hear them take their little dings at me because
1. i'm divorced
2. i don't have kids (which means they don't have grandkids)
3. i can't have kids anymore (they know how sick i was and it was my only option but still it goes back to the grandkid thing)

they say they are proud of me and all that i have done in my life but i still don't feel like they REALLY understand why i got divorced. sometimes i think they wanted me to just s u c k it up and take the abuse from my ex beacuse having a "divorced" daughter would look bad to their friends. they have quit asking me if i am dating anyone because i refuse to tell them about that part of my life anymore. i told them when i had someone in my life that i was important enough to me then they would meet him.

do i want to find someone who i can spend the rest of my life with? sure i do. am i going to settle for just anyone? no way. i want someone who is going to be a partner in my life and accepts me for who i am rather than someone who wants to change me into something i am not. i would rather be single than be married and miserable.

GOOD GOD GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You took the words right out of my mouth! Except it is my father who i hear that stuff from! If my mom was still alive she would fully support me and the fact that i am not going to settle for someone who i am not going to be happy with!But everything else you said is right on the money!

see i knew we were sisters!

Workin' the Room wrote:this is going to open a whole can of worms, but women who seem to want to have the relationship at all costs also seem to have some other unrealistic expectations: (from this point, "you" refers to the woman with the idea, not "you" the reader. Offense is not offered, but will probably be taken, although without this clarification the odds would be as high or higher)

if you are more than 15-20 lbs overweight, and definitely if you are in the grossly-obese range.. maybe you should not be holding out for tall, dark, and athletically-handsome.

If you are at best, "average" in your looks, perhaps holding out for someone who would be the cover-boy for a fashion/glamer/men's magazine is a stretch.

If you have 2-3 failed marriages, and kids from each, plus a couple from "between marriage flings"; you probably shouldn't expect your new guy to just jump right in and love them like his own unquestioningly.

If you barely squeaked thru high school, or could not pass, holding out for a Ph.D. candidate/holder probably is a bit unrealistic.

and last: If your job is a minimum-wage, dead-end one that involves a paper hat, passing over every guy in hopes that a CEO-type is going to appear and magically-save you from your life, might be a bit delusional.

ragtopW wrote:I'm not sure. I am told all the time
"If you would just get a woman, you would not run around the country
all the time"


I tell them "Or I could get the right woman and we
could run around the country"

ScarletB wrote:It's my friends and even acquaintances who get to me. "Why are you so picky?" They can't understand that I'd rather be alone for the right reasons than with someone for the wrong ones. I work with two women who were desperate to find someone after their divorces and I wouldn't be in either of their new marriages for a million dollars. Janice, you pretty much said it all in that last paragraph! I have a good job, a nice home and have secured my own retirement - I want someone to share my life not make it "better" or "complete" in some way. But I've also found that lots of guys don't want you if you can take care of yourself.
Before you all jump on me guys I didn't say ALL guys - I said SOME.
But that's probably a whole 'nother thread.

buffettbride wrote:

Workin' the Room wrote:this is going to open a whole can of worms, but women who seem to want to have the relationship at all costs also seem to have some other unrealistic expectations: (from this point, "you" refers to the woman with the idea, not "you" the reader. Offense is not offered, but will probably be taken, although without this clarification the odds would be as high or higher)

if you are more than 15-20 lbs overweight, and definitely if you are in the grossly-obese range.. maybe you should not be holding out for tall, dark, and athletically-handsome.

If you are at best, "average" in your looks, perhaps holding out for someone who would be the cover-boy for a fashion/glamer/men's magazine is a stretch.

If you have 2-3 failed marriages, and kids from each, plus a couple from "between marriage flings"; you probably shouldn't expect your new guy to just jump right in and love them like his own unquestioningly.

If you barely squeaked thru high school, or could not pass, holding out for a Ph.D. candidate/holder probably is a bit unrealistic.

and last: If your job is a minimum-wage, dead-end one that involves a paper hat, passing over every guy in hopes that a CEO-type is going to appear and magically-save you from your life, might be a bit delusional.

I'm not offended, but it's rather obtuse of you to think those things apply only to women looking for a man and not the other way 'round.

ScarletB wrote:It's my friends and even acquaintances who get to me. "Why are you so picky?"

flipflopgirl wrote:

ScarletB wrote:It's my friends and even acquaintances who get to me. "Why are you so picky?" They can't understand that I'd rather be alone for the right reasons than with someone for the wrong ones. I work with two women who were desperate to find someone after their divorces and I wouldn't be in either of their new marriages for a million dollars. Janice, you pretty much said it all in that last paragraph! I have a good job, a nice home and have secured my own retirement - I want someone to share my life not make it "better" or "complete" in some way. But I've also found that lots of guys don't want you if you can take care of yourself.
Before you all jump on me guys I didn't say ALL guys - I said SOME.
But that's probably a whole 'nother thread.

I have found that too! SOME guys are intimidated by a woman who can do and think for herself!

flipflopgirl wrote:

ScarletB wrote:It's my friends and even acquaintances who get to me. "Why are you so picky?" They can't understand that I'd rather be alone for the right reasons than with someone for the wrong ones. I work with two women who were desperate to find someone after their divorces and I wouldn't be in either of their new marriages for a million dollars. Janice, you pretty much said it all in that last paragraph! I have a good job, a nice home and have secured my own retirement - I want someone to share my life not make it "better" or "complete" in some way. But I've also found that lots of guys don't want you if you can take care of yourself.
Before you all jump on me guys I didn't say ALL guys - I said SOME.
But that's probably a whole 'nother thread.

I have found that too! SOME guys are intimidated by a woman who can do and think for herself!

green1 wrote:
Here you go BB, and I agree with your obtuse comment.

ScarletB wrote:I've also found that lots of guys don't want you if you can take care of yourself.

buffettbride wrote:

green1 wrote:
Here you go BB, and I agree with your obtuse comment.

Perfect.

I'm an equal opportunist when it comes to looosahhhs.

ph4ever wrote:Here in the past few years I've run across more women, and a few men, that didn't think their life was of value unless they were in a relationship.

More and More I see women - late 30's thru 60's acting as if their life is worthless because there is no relationship. Some go thru elaborate yet somewhat comical ways to attract men.

. . .

If you could say something to these type of people, some words of advice - what would they be?

green1 wrote:Taken from "Workin the Room" and modified:

This is going to open a whole can of worms, but men who seem to want to have the relationship at all costs also seem to have some other unrealistic expectations: (from this point, "you" refers to the men with the idea, not "you" the reader. Offense is not offered, but will probably be taken, although without this clarification the odds would be as high or higher)

if you are more than 15-20 lbs overweight, and definitely if you are in the grossly-obese range.. maybe you should not be holding out for bikini model drop dead gorgeous girl.

If you are at best, "average" in your looks, perhaps holding out for someone who would be the cover-girl for Sports Illustarted Swimsuit magazine is a stretch.

If you have 2-3 failed marriages, and kids from each, plus a couple from "between marriage flings"; you probably shouldn't expect your new girl to just jump right in and love them like her own unquestioningly.

If you barely squeaked thru high school, or could not pass, holding out for a Ph.D. candidate/holder probably is a bit unrealistic.

If you are balding and try the comb over to cover it up expect the looks you will receive.

and last: If your job is a minimum-wage, dead-end one that involves a paper hat, passing over every girl in hopes that a CEO-type is going to appear and magically-save you from your life, might be a bit delusional.

Here you go BB, and I agree with your obtuse comment.

flyboy55 wrote:

ph4ever wrote:

I don't think words of advice would make much difference. I think the issue is much deeper and relates to how our society creates and enforces behavioral norms and expectations.

I think it is still accurate to say that our society expects women to be mothers (and wives) and in both obvious and subtle ways undermines women who don't choose to assume those roles.

~snip~

But I don't think you can make anyone realize that. They need to discover it for themselves (and in the process overcome decades of social programming).