Actual Job Application

[britparrothead]

This is an actual job application that a 75year old pensioner submitted to B&Q(Home Depot) in Tunbridge Wells. They apparently hired him because he was so funny..
NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard).

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at leastone who will cooperate).

DESIRED POSITION: Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director.But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, Iwouldn't be appling in the first place-would I?

DESIRED SALARY: £150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blairestyle redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

LAST SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pensand post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It was a crap job.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1.30-3.30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to amore intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I behere?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROMLIFTING UP TO 50 lbs?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think a more appropriate question here wouldbe "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may alreadybe a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so theytell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job-no! On my breaks-yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN 5 YEARS? Living in the Bahamaswith a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who think I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE?: 7 miles.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OFYOURKNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

[ragtopW]

[pojo]

We have a guy that is hilarious when he's writing!!!!

[TropicalTroubador]

I woulda looked at that and said, "No Way!"