A Question about Friends and Friendship

[12vmanRick]

What are your thoughts on this subject?

Here are mine. As I have begun to reduce stress in my life I also found that this was something I needed to change. The way I viewed friends and friendship.

I am at the point where I have decided if I am the only one that tries to keep up with someone that the friendship being one-sided is not something that is worth it for me anymore

I have also decided when someone that calls themselves your friend but makes no effort to call or get together, there is no friendship.

I came to this conclusion after I actually had someone complain about hanging out with us when I asked when we were getting together. I knew that was not a friendship that was worth anything at that point.

By making these changes I also found that some people I had not been as close to have become closer and not by me venturing out but they came to me.

Just a thought for me as I go into the new year and what I am going to concentrate on, those that are worth my friendship.

[buffettbride]

I lost two very, very close friends this year. Kinda sux 'cause I really only had two friends to begin with.

One wasn't really a big deal because we had just been growing apart for some time. Didn't really have a falling out, but she moved out of state and it's not likely that we'll keep in touch for the long haul. We were supposed to get together before she left, but she blew it off and that was that.

The other, well, that story is just longer and much more complicated.

Either way, I've had to spend much of the year taking care of my family and haven't had the time or energy to focus on friends--both maintaining friendships or finding new ones. Not that I don't hold a lot of stock in friendship, because I do, but I find very "needy" friends I have a hard time being friends with because my priorities cannot always be focused on the friend, because managing my family and household is far more important.

We do spend quite a bit of time with our neighbors across the street and really enjoy their company. We went camping with them over the summer and assorted other random activities. They are a great couple, although a bit older than us. We always have a nice time hanging out with them.

Most of hubby's friends pre-me are married now but don't (and won't) have kids so we just don't have much in common with them.

I suppose it would be nice to have another "mom" friend to hang out with, but I have a hard time finding other girly-friends that I can really relate to. With both kids at Catholic schools it's not often I find a person I have gobs in common with, and if I do, finding the time to hang out is just not always a cinch between this-that-and-the-other activities going on. Between some coworkers I am friendly with and Hubby, that is pretty much my sole contact with the world of adults.

Honestly? I'd rather just go to the mall with my 10 year old than hang out with just about anyone anyway.

[buffettbride]

Oh yeah and (((Rick))).

[spartan1979]

That's something I figured out about two years ago. It's better to spend time with people who want you to be around than those who don't care.

[Tequila Revenge]

I've learned were all a little broken as peeps and our views of things like friendships can be very different. Some peeps are very satisfied with friendships that depth does not go much deeper than head line news and weather talk as opposed to those that know your real hopes and dreams and the time you got caught playing with Shelly..... never mind. and they REALLY feel like they are good friends. I now have acquaintances, work/group related relationships, and as Jimmy puts it, “just a few friends, just a few friends…” Oh, and just for fun, don’t forget the peeps you love the most also seem to hurt you the most. Hang in there! Change happens in people that are growing, and that is a good thing.

[MacPhin]

Most of hubby's friends pre-me are married now but don't (and won't) have kids so we just don't have much in common with them.

Mal, those of us w/o kids do like others with kids (just ask all of our friends). we often take vacations with other families. don't count people out as friends just because they don't have kids. you'd be amazed how much us dinks know about kids even though we don't have them ourselves. one should be able to have converstaions about kids and their world as well as current events.

[Tiki Bar]

What are your thoughts on this subject?

To me, friends are people who you care about, and they care about you. Some you become very close to, and some are more on the surface. Some you may talk to everyday, and some you may not talk to for weeks, months, or years even. But if after that extended absence, you do talk or see eachother, it's completely comfortable and just like the old days, but with lots of catching up to do.

So, if you care about eachother to any degree, in my opinion, you're still friends. I feel blessed to have many of them, even the ones who have drifted away, and I hear from once a year via Christmas card.

As a matter of fact, a long lost friend called me last Saturday. She and a couple other long lost friends were talking about me, and wondering how I'm doing, and we're all getting together tomorrow night. It will be fun seeing them all again!

Song Title: Friends
Artist: Whodini
Album: Escape

Friends
How many of us have them?
Friends
Ones we can depend on
Friends
How many of us have them?
Friends
Before we go any further, lets be
Friends

Is a word we use everyday
Most the time we use it in the wrong way
Now you can look the word up, again and again
But the dictionary doesn't know the meaning of friends

And if you ask me, you know, I couldn't be much help
Because a friend is somebody you judge for yourself
Some are ok, and they treat you real cool
But some mistake kindness for bein' a fool

We like to be with some, because they're funny
Others come around when they need some money
Some you grew up with, around the way
And you're still real close to this very day

Homeboys through the Summer, Winter, Spring and Fall
And then there's some we wish we never knew at all
And this list goes on, again and again
But these are the people that we call friends

...

Friends
How many of us have them?
Friends
Ones we can depend on
Friends
How many of us have them?
Friends
Before we go any further, let's be
Friends

...

Friends
How many of us have them?
Friends
Before we go any further, lets be
Friends

Friends
How many of us have them?
Friends
One's we can depend on
Friends
How many of us have them?
Friends
Before we go any further, lets be
Friends

Friends
How many of us have them?
Friends
One's we can depend on
Friends
How many of us have them?
Friends
Before we go any further, lets be
Friends

[12vmanRick]

Thanks to those of you that replied. I am just trying to get my thoughts together on the matter and make sure I am not overreacting.

and also thanks again to all those that replied when I had a hard time a few months ago and ESPECIALLY those that called or wrote an email/PM.

[drunkpirate66]

I lost two very, very close friends this year. Kinda sux 'cause I really only had two friends to begin with.

One wasn't really a big deal because we had just been growing apart for some time. Didn't really have a falling out, but she moved out of state and it's not likely that we'll keep in touch for the long haul. We were supposed to get together before she left, but she blew it off and that was that.

The other, well, that story is just longer and much more complicated.

Either way, I've had to spend much of the year taking care of my family and haven't had the time or energy to focus on friends--both maintaining friendships or finding new ones. Not that I don't hold a lot of stock in friendship, because I do, but I find very "needy" friends I have a hard time being friends with because my priorities cannot always be focused on the friend, because managing my family and household is far more important.

We do spend quite a bit of time with our neighbors across the street and really enjoy their company. We went camping with them over the summer and assorted other random activities. They are a great couple, although a bit older than us. We always have a nice time hanging out with them.

Most of hubby's friends pre-me are married now but don't (and won't) have kids so we just don't have much in common with them.

I suppose it would be nice to have another "mom" friend to hang out with, but I have a hard time finding other girly-friends that I can really relate to. With both kids at Catholic schools it's not often I find a person I have gobs in common with, and if I do, finding the time to hang out is just not always a cinch between this-that-and-the-other activities going on. Between some coworkers I am friendly with and Hubby, that is pretty much my sole contact with the world of adults.

Honestly? I'd rather just go to the mall with my 10 year old than hang out with just about anyone anyway.

no disrespect or sarcasm meant but this really is an issue primarily dealt with among women . . . I have tons of friends (some since I was 3 years old) who are now dads . . . no issues. Nothing changed other than their little ones are around. Still take trips . . . go to games . . . work out together . . . play sports/ sail/ fish . . . bbq . . . don't get why having or not having kids would be an issue but it is not with all the guys I hang out with and consider extended family . . .

[Tiki Bar]

((((Rick))))

[docandjeanie]

What are your thoughts on this subject?

To me, friends are people who you care about, and they care about you. Some you become very close to, and some are more on the surface. Some you may talk to everyday, and some you may not talk to for weeks, months, or years even. But if after that extended absence, you do talk or see eachother, it's completely comfortable and just like the old days, but with lots of catching up to do.

So, if you care about eac hother to any degree, in my opinion, you're still friends. I feel blessed to have many of them, even the ones who have drifted away, and I hear from once a year via Christmas card.

As a matter of fact, a long lost friend called me last Saturday. She and a couple other long lost friends were talking about me, and wondering how I'm doing, and we're all getting together tomorrow night. It will be fun seeing them all again!

Song Title: Friends
Artist: Whodini
Album: Escape

Friends
How many of us have them?
Friends
Ones we can depend on
Friends
How many of us have them?
Friends
Before we go any further, lets be
Friends

Is a word we use everyday
Most the time we use it in the wrong way
Now you can look the word up, again and again
But the dictionary doesn't know the meaning of friends

And if you ask me, you know, I couldn't be much help
Because a friend is somebody you judge for yourself
Some are ok, and they treat you real cool
But some mistake kindness for bein' a fool

We like to be with some, because they're funny
Others come around when they need some money
Some you grew up with, around the way
And you're still real close to this very day

Homeboys through the Summer, Winter, Spring and Fall
And then there's some we wish we never knew at all
And this list goes on, again and again
But these are the people that we call friends

...

Friends
How many of us have them?
Friends
Ones we can depend on
Friends
How many of us have them?
Friends
Before we go any further, let's be
Friends

...

Friends
How many of us have them?
Friends
Before we go any further, lets be
Friends

Friends
How many of us have them?
Friends
One's we can depend on
Friends
How many of us have them?
Friends
Before we go any further, lets be
Friends

Friends
How many of us have them?
Friends
One's we can depend on
Friends
How many of us have them?
Friends
Before we go any further, lets be
Friends

JoAnn, I am so with you on this subject. Everyone leads very busy lives, and it is hard to get together all of the time. If when you do get together, once a year or whatever, and you have a good time, then I would still consider them to be a friend.

Some one once said "To have a friend is to be a friend" I think that is a very true statement. It's all about what you put into it.


(((Rick)))) If someone is whining about seeing you then by all means, dump them, they may be toxic for you anyway.

[freaky4tiki]

just recently i have had to step away from two of my friends. I actually introduced them and then they started to hang out more. I asked them in early Nov. if they wanted to go shopping and both said they were busy doing something with family etc. when really they made plans to do something together. this has happened a couple of times since then and it's hard to be nice when I run into them or whatever. They do have more in common with each other than me. I have big family and they both are nearly single moms of one kid. I don't have time to go the gym or get together after work for stuff. I race home so that I can hug my kids and ask them about their day. Weekends are usually busy with kid stuff, decompressing, and laundry. It's what I've always wanted my life to be and so I'm letting the friendships go. Just have to see the facts. Can't argue with the facts....some friends come and go.

[12vmanRick]

so I'm letting the friendships go. Just have to see the facts. Can't argue with the facts....some friends come and go.

ditto and thanks!

[buffettbride]

I lost two very, very close friends this year. Kinda sux 'cause I really only had two friends to begin with.

One wasn't really a big deal because we had just been growing apart for some time. Didn't really have a falling out, but she moved out of state and it's not likely that we'll keep in touch for the long haul. We were supposed to get together before she left, but she blew it off and that was that.

The other, well, that story is just longer and much more complicated.

Either way, I've had to spend much of the year taking care of my family and haven't had the time or energy to focus on friends--both maintaining friendships or finding new ones. Not that I don't hold a lot of stock in friendship, because I do, but I find very "needy" friends I have a hard time being friends with because my priorities cannot always be focused on the friend, because managing my family and household is far more important.

We do spend quite a bit of time with our neighbors across the street and really enjoy their company. We went camping with them over the summer and assorted other random activities. They are a great couple, although a bit older than us. We always have a nice time hanging out with them.

Most of hubby's friends pre-me are married now but don't (and won't) have kids so we just don't have much in common with them.

I suppose it would be nice to have another "mom" friend to hang out with, but I have a hard time finding other girly-friends that I can really relate to. With both kids at Catholic schools it's not often I find a person I have gobs in common with, and if I do, finding the time to hang out is just not always a cinch between this-that-and-the-other activities going on. Between some coworkers I am friendly with and Hubby, that is pretty much my sole contact with the world of adults.

Honestly? I'd rather just go to the mall with my 10 year old than hang out with just about anyone anyway.

no disrespect or sarcasm meant but this really is an issue primarily dealt with among women . . . I have tons of friends (some since I was 3 years old) who are now dads . . . no issues. Nothing changed other than their little ones are around. Still take trips . . . go to games . . . work out together . . . play sports/ sail/ fish . . . bbq . . . don't get why having or not having kids would be an issue but it is not with all the guys I hang out with and consider extended family . . .

oh i totally agree. hubby can hang out w/ his non-kid-having boy buddies and it's no biggie. i try to do the same with a non-kid-having female friend and it's just not the same. i don't know why it's that way, but it is. it's not all just them though, i know it's me. i tend not to enjoy people's company as much if they aren't parents.

part of it to is that i don't take trips, go to games, work out, play sports, sail, or fish... you get the idea. i spend zero time on myself which is less a problem with friends and completely a problem with me.

[buffettbride]

Most of hubby's friends pre-me are married now but don't (and won't) have kids so we just don't have much in common with them.

Mal, those of us w/o kids do like others with kids (just ask all of our friends). we often take vacations with other families. don't count people out as friends just because they don't have kids. you'd be amazed how much us dinks know about kids even though we don't have them ourselves. one should be able to have converstaions about kids and their world as well as current events.

Our friends without kids like our kids just fine. We have great kids and they are both quite enjoyable to be around. I would tend to disagree, though, that most dinks I know think they know a lot about kids (you know, 'cause they have dogs and stuff, and dogs are like kids ). Most of the time I want to tell the people we know that don't have kids who try to dole out parenting advice to, well, go someplace not so pleasant. I know it's kind of backwardly biased, but it would be kind of like me trying to dole out fishing advice because I've been to the lake a time or two.

[freaky4tiki]

I know it's kind of backwardly biased, but it would be kind of like me trying to dole out fishing advice because I've been to the lake a time or two.

it's easy to LIKE kids and quite another to RAISE them. i have a relative who loves my kids to pieces and spoils them and just heaps the hugs on them. it's GREAT! but she also loves to tell me how to deal with tantrums and constipation and school issues etc... so I just gotta and say "that's a different way of looking at it" even when I wanna stomp my feet and say "Are you nuts?" Can't say that I could be friends with someone like that, though. enough is enough and who needs all that stress when having friends should be fun and relaxing?

[freaky4tiki]

so I'm letting the friendships go. Just have to see the facts. Can't argue with the facts....some friends come and go.

ditto and thanks!

[pbans]

I think I am the luckiest person in the world when it comes to friends....
I have a very close circle of friends that have become my family. They would walk through fire for me, and I, for them.

We party together, vacation together, raise our kids together, help each other through marriages, divorces, whatever comes down the pike.
We watched "Ice Age" one time....and the scene where all of the critters talk about taking care of each other and then said "We're a very strange herd"......since that day, we've been "The Herd".

Caitlin always talks about her "Moms and Dads".....

Through my Mom's illness, through our various health problems, raising kids, just day to day stuff.....they have been there for me.

I do agree that there are times that people become toxic in your life and it's time to let them go. I've had to do that with my brothers. I have come to realize that family is not DNA, it's heart.

[drunkpirate66]

I lost two very, very close friends this year. Kinda sux 'cause I really only had two friends to begin with.

One wasn't really a big deal because we had just been growing apart for some time. Didn't really have a falling out, but she moved out of state and it's not likely that we'll keep in touch for the long haul. We were supposed to get together before she left, but she blew it off and that was that.

The other, well, that story is just longer and much more complicated.

Either way, I've had to spend much of the year taking care of my family and haven't had the time or energy to focus on friends--both maintaining friendships or finding new ones. Not that I don't hold a lot of stock in friendship, because I do, but I find very "needy" friends I have a hard time being friends with because my priorities cannot always be focused on the friend, because managing my family and household is far more important.

We do spend quite a bit of time with our neighbors across the street and really enjoy their company. We went camping with them over the summer and assorted other random activities. They are a great couple, although a bit older than us. We always have a nice time hanging out with them.

Most of hubby's friends pre-me are married now but don't (and won't) have kids so we just don't have much in common with them.

I suppose it would be nice to have another "mom" friend to hang out with, but I have a hard time finding other girly-friends that I can really relate to. With both kids at Catholic schools it's not often I find a person I have gobs in common with, and if I do, finding the time to hang out is just not always a cinch between this-that-and-the-other activities going on. Between some coworkers I am friendly with and Hubby, that is pretty much my sole contact with the world of adults.

Honestly? I'd rather just go to the mall with my 10 year old than hang out with just about anyone anyway.

no disrespect or sarcasm meant but this really is an issue primarily dealt with among women . . . I have tons of friends (some since I was 3 years old) who are now dads . . . no issues. Nothing changed other than their little ones are around. Still take trips . . . go to games . . . work out together . . . play sports/ sail/ fish . . . bbq . . . don't get why having or not having kids would be an issue but it is not with all the guys I hang out with and consider extended family . . .

oh i totally agree. hubby can hang out w/ his non-kid-having boy buddies and it's no biggie. i try to do the same with a non-kid-having female friend and it's just not the same. i don't know why it's that way, but it is. it's not all just them though, i know it's me. i tend not to enjoy people's company as much if they aren't parents.

part of it to is that i don't take trips, go to games, work out, play sports, sail, or fish... you get the idea. i spend zero time on myself which is less a problem with friends and completely a problem with me.

I am far too selfish to live like that . . . but if you want something fun to do by yourself there are 11,000 rumored Buffett shows in the North East this year . . .

[The Lost Manatee]

Some years ago I came to the conclusion that if I'm the one doing all the work to maintain a friendship, then it isn't much of a friendship. As an example, I had a friend who I had known since high school who had moved out of town 10 or 12 years ago and moved back into town 2 years ago. I would call him and ask him to join us on hikes, or to go grab a beer or whatever I could come up with. Generally he would show up but he never would bother to pick up the phone to ask me to go grab a beer or do anything and I finally realized that he really wasn't my friend but rather someone who viewed me as something better then sitting home alone but only just. The last time I saw him was when his father passed away the month before my sister passed away, I went to the funeral. I haven't heard or seen from him since.

So now if someone doesn't want to put out some small amount of effort to be my friend, then I am happy to move on and find someone else who will value my friendship as highly as value theirs. I don't expect them to put equal effort but I do expect that they invite me to join them every now and again and I will do the same for them.