THE MAN'S POINTS SYSTEM

[ragtopW]

For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here
it is:

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the
woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do
something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get
any points for doing something she expects...Sorry, that's the
way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed... 1 You make the bed, but forget to add the
decorative pillows...0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled
sheets...-1 You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light
panty liners with wings... 5 But return with beer ...-5 You
check out a suspicious noise at night ...0 You check out a
suspicious noise and it's nothing...0 You check out a
suspicious noise and it's something.... 5 You pummel it with a
six iron.... 10 It's her father...-10 You leave the toilet seat
up...-5 You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty...0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to
Kleenex...-1 When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to
the next bathroom...-2

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS You stay by her side the entire party...0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a
college drinking buddy...-2 Named Tiffany...-4 Tiffany is a
dancer...-6 Tiffany has implants...-8

HER BIRTHDAY You take her out to dinner...0 You take her out to
dinner and it's not a sports bar... 1 Okay, it is a sports
bar...-2 And it's all-you-can-eat night...-3 It's a sports bar,
it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors
of your favorite team...-10

THOUGHTFULNESS You forget her birthday completely...-20 You
forget your anniversary...-30 You forget to pick her up at the
bus station...-45 Which is in Newark, New Jersey...-50 And the
pouring rain dissolves her leg cast...-60

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS Go out with a pal ...-5 And the pal
is happily married ...-4 Or frighteningly single ...-7 And he
drives a Mustang...-10 With a personalized license plate (GR8 N
BED) ...-15 You have a few beers...-9 And miss curfew by an
hour...-12 You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call...-20
You get home at 3 am...-30 You get home at 3 am smelling of
booze and cheap cigars ...-40 And not wearing any pants...-50
Is that a tattoo??...-200

HER NIGHT OUT You stay home while she goes out with her
annoying friend from work... 5 She goes out with her annoying
work friends, and she comes home real late... 10 You wait
up... 15 She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put
her to bed... 20

A NIGHT OUT You take her to a movie... 2 You take her to a
movie she likes... 4 You take her to a movie you hate... 6 You
take her to a movie you like...-2 It's called DeathCop
3...-3 Which features cyborgs having sex...-9 You lied and said
it was a foreign film about orphans...-15

FLOWERS You buy her flowers only when it's expected...0 You buy
her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it... 20 You
give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself... 30 And
she contracts Lyme disease...-25

YOUR PHYSIQUE You develop a noticeable potbelly...-15 You
develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of
it... 10 You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose
jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts...-30 You say "I don't give a
damn because you have one too"....-800

FINANCES You spend a lot of money on something impractical... 5
Something she can't use... 10 Such as a motorized model
airplane...-20 And you buy her a clock radio for her
birthday...-40

DRIVING You let her tell you how to drive... 20 You let her
mother tell you how to drive... 40 You lost the directions on a
trip...-4 You lost the directions and end up getting lost...-10
You end up getting lost because you followed her directions
... 10 You end up getting lost in a bad part of town ...-15 You
get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and
personal...-25 You know them...-60

THE BIG QUESTION She asks, "Do I look fat?"...-5 (Sensitive
questions always start with a deficit) You hesitate in
responding...-10 You reply, "Where?"...-35

COMMUNICATION When she wants to talk about a problem, you
listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression...0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes.... 5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the
TV... 10 She realizes this is because you've fallen
asleep...-20

[GumboPirate]

[Wino you know]

HMMM.
So far, my point total is -4376.

[CaptainP]