The Funniest Thread Ever

SuperTrooper · Post by **SuperTrooper** » November 7, 2008 9:28 am

Farmer Brown was having the veterinarian over the artificially inseminate one of his cows. An emergency came up and he had to leave, so he had to leave his simpleton barn worker, Tom, to show the vet which cow to work on. Tom had a bad memory, so the farmer banged a nail outside the stall of the cow. When the vet showed up, Tom took him into the barn and pointed at the nail and the cow. The vet asked: "What's the nail for?"

Tom answered: "It must be to hang your pants on, doc."

krusin1 · Post by **krusin1** » November 7, 2008 9:30 am

green1 wrote:So the pope, an Indian and Polish guy walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and asks "What is this some kind of joke?"

A couple more...
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.
So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?" -- Steven Wright

Hockey Mon · Post by **Hockey Mon** » November 7, 2008 9:31 am

I just flew in from Cleveland and boy are my arms tired.

krusin1 · Post by **krusin1** » November 7, 2008 9:34 am

Hockey Mon wrote:I just flew in from Cleveland and boy are my arms tired.

~groan~

Hockey Mon · Post by **Hockey Mon** » November 7, 2008 9:51 am

Take my wife....please.

drunkpirate66 · Post by **drunkpirate66** » November 7, 2008 9:51 am

Anyone think Tony Romo is funny . . . . .

no Jason Varitek jokes . . . .

Jodibug · Post by **Jodibug** » November 7, 2008 9:54 am

What's the Chinese word for constipation? Hung Chow

SuperTrooper · Post by **SuperTrooper** » November 7, 2008 9:54 am

Hockey Mon wrote:Take my wife....please.

More Henny Youngman classics:

I broke my leg in two places. My doctor told me not to go there anymore.

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my M-I-L to the airport.

My grandmother is 80 and still doesn't need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle.

buffettbride · Post by **buffettbride** » November 7, 2008 9:55 am

There were two whales swimming through the ocean. They spot a ship. The first whale says, "Let's fill up our blow holes and go spray all the sailors."

The second whale was very hesitant. "I don't know, that doesn't sound like much fun."

"Awww, come on. It WILL be fun," said the first whale.

The second whale responded, "Okay fine. I'll blow them, but I won't swallow any sea men."

SuperTrooper · Post by **SuperTrooper** » November 7, 2008 9:59 am

What's the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?

You can't hear a vitamin.

C-Dawg · Post by **C-Dawg** » November 7, 2008 10:01 am

drunkpirate66 wrote:there is that tacky - borderline retarded - Parrot Head humor I love! now we need some funny pictures offensive pictures of animals doing wacky things.

Can't embed this so you'll have to use the link...I could watch this 20 times and still laugh

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=radqC4aTz0w

pbans · Post by **pbans** » November 7, 2008 10:23 am

drunkpirate66 wrote:there is that tacky - borderline retarded - Parrot Head humor I love! now we need some funny pictures offensive pictures of animals doing wacky things.

green1 · Post by **green1** » November 7, 2008 10:44 am

pbans wrote:
drunkpirate66 wrote:there is that tacky - borderline retarded - Parrot Head humor I love! now we need some funny pictures offensive pictures of animals doing wacky things.

As strange as it sounds "Well F&*# a duck" is an expression I use.

drunkpirate66 · Post by **drunkpirate66** » November 7, 2008 10:46 am

green1 wrote:
pbans wrote:
drunkpirate66 wrote:there is that tacky - borderline retarded - Parrot Head humor I love! now we need some funny pictures offensive pictures of animals doing wacky things.

As strange as it sounds "Well F&*# a duck" is an expression I use.

I like to say "donkey balls . . . " about a variety of topics.

Conolulu · Post by **Conolulu** » November 7, 2008 10:49 am

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms
and no Legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever
been screwed?
The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, 'No.'

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She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'

pbans · Post by **pbans** » November 7, 2008 10:58 am

A scientist was successful in cloning himself.

He was asked to speak at a national convention of cloning scientists. The
meeting room was located on the 45th floor of a New York skyscraper.

The scientist arrived with his clone and proceeded to the podium. The clone
sat at the end of the head table. The scientist began the speech intending
a tribute to the advances in the field of modern biology.

"My fellow scientists," he began. But before he could utter another word,
the clone sprang to his feet and shouted out, "he's an A$$HOLE!". The crowd began to murmur as the scientist commanded the clone to "sit down andshut-up!". Apologizing for the interruption, the scientist began again, "My fellow scientists,". Again the clone sprang to his feet and yelled, "this dumb A$$ couldn't produce a copy on a Xerox. He's a fraudulent SON-OF-A-B*TCH!".

Incensed, the scientist rushed to the clone, grabbed him, and threw him out of the window.

The crowd gasped and security rushed into the room. A short while later New York's finest arrived and were explained the events that had transpired.

The police chief said to the scientist, "We are going to have to arrest
you." The scientist replied, "For what? I have committed no crime. What
fell from the window was a clone, not a person.". The attending scientists
nodded in agreement. "Well," retorted the police chief, "we can not let
this heinous act go unchallenged.".

The police chief thought for a moment and ordered the scientist held for
"Making an obscene clone fall..."

HockeyParrotHead · Post by **HockeyParrotHead** » November 7, 2008 11:00 am

Conolulu wrote:A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms
and no Legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever
been screwed?
The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, 'No.'

.
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She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'

Is his name Bob?

/sorry
//sorta

green1 · Post by **green1** » November 7, 2008 11:03 am

Why do farts smell?

So deaf people can enjoy them too.

Conolulu · Post by **Conolulu** » November 7, 2008 11:06 am

HockeyParrotHead wrote:
Conolulu wrote:A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms
and no Legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever
been screwed?
The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, 'No.'

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'
Is his name Bob?

/sorry
//sorta

Don't be....it was hilarious.

Frank4 · Post by **Frank4** » November 7, 2008 11:15 am

TommyBahama wrote:A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.'

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, 'Sure. I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectlyformed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.'

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?'

(folks, your gonna luv this)

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone.'

(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

Yes I am singing it and I think that's pretty funny....