The Funniest Thread Ever

FunkHouse9 · Post by **FunkHouse9** » November 7, 2008 2:24 pm

Your mama's so dumb, she asked me what kind of jeans I was wearing. I said "Guess." She said, "I don't know, Levi's?"

Gulfbreeze · Post by **Gulfbreeze** » November 7, 2008 2:52 pm

A middle aged couple is watching TV when a TV Evangelist comes on
and promises to heal the sick.

"If only you would pray with Him, place your right hand in the
air, and place your left hand on the afflicted area, the Almighty
Lord will heal you."

So the man places his right hand in the air and his left hand on
his crotch and his wife says "Gee honey he said heal the sick, not
raise the dead!"

Hockey Mon · Post by **Hockey Mon** » November 7, 2008 4:27 pm

What's greeen and goes 100 mph?
A frog in a blender.

What's black and white and red all over?
A newspaper.

LIPH · Post by **LIPH** » November 7, 2008 4:30 pm

What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

They both have a 1 in 5,000,000 chance of becoming a human being.

Why don't lawyers ever get attacked by sharks?

Professional courtesy.

flipflopgirl · Post by **flipflopgirl** » November 7, 2008 4:40 pm

LIPH wrote:What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

They both have a 1 in 5,000,000 chance of becoming a human being.

Why don't lawyers ever get attacked by sharks?

Professional courtesy.

SuperTrooper · Post by **SuperTrooper** » November 7, 2008 4:41 pm

What goes clop, clop, clop, bang, bang, clop clop clop?

An Amish drive-by shooting.

How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same?

Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.

Frank4 · Post by **Frank4** » November 7, 2008 4:42 pm

Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. Every night after
dinner,Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his
accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders
into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours
have passed.
After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred
and asks, 'Do you know what I miss most of all?'
She asks, 'What?'
'$ex!!' he replies.
Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I
held a gun to your head!'
'I know,' Harold says, 'but it would be nice if a woman co uld
just hold it for a while.'
Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes
his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly
each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would
hold Harold's manhood.
Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K. She walked
around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with
Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled, 'You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have
that I don't have?'
Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "the shakes"

popcornjack · Post by **popcornjack** » November 7, 2008 4:45 pm

A duck walks into a bar. The bartender comes over and says "Can I help you?" Ducks says "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender says "No. This is a bar." The duck leaves.

next day the duck walks into the same bar. the bartender comes over and says "can I help you?" The duck says "You got any grapes?" Bartender says "I told you yesterday. No grapes." the duck leaves.

Next day the duck walks into the same bar. The bartender comes over and says "Can I help you?" Duck says "You got any grapes?" The bartender says "Listen. I've told you three days in a row. No grapes. You come in tomorrow and ask that same dumb question, I'm gonna nail your bill to the bar." the duck leaves.

Next day the duck walks into the same bar. The bartender comes over and says "can I help you?" The duck says "You have any hammers and nails?" The bartender says "No." The duck says "Good. You have any grapes?"

blackjack · Post by **blackjack** » November 7, 2008 4:46 pm

blackjack wrote:
FunkHouse9 wrote:What do you call an Asian woman with one leg?
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
Irene

I'll see your Irene and raise you...

What do you call a Mexican woman with no legs?

Consuelo

(say all three syllables separately)

Nothing?

krusin1 · Post by **krusin1** » November 7, 2008 4:51 pm

Hockey Mon wrote:What's greeen and goes 100 mph?
A frog in a blender.

.

What's red and green and brown and sticky? Same frog one week later.

Frank4 · Post by **Frank4** » November 7, 2008 4:52 pm

krusin1 wrote:
Hockey Mon wrote:What's greeen and goes 100 mph?
A frog in a blender.

.

What's red and green and brown and sticky? Same frog one week later.

My son would say "euwww" to that joke...still pretty funny

Richard · Post by **Richard** » November 7, 2008 4:53 pm

drunkpirate66 wrote:
buffettbride wrote:know what's funny? farts. farts are funny.

almost as funny are uranus jokes. uranus jokes are always funny.
I think making fun of the deaf - blind - and dead like Helen Keller is funny. There, I said it.

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive a car?

Cause she was a woman!

popcornjack · Post by **popcornjack** » November 7, 2008 5:09 pm

blackjack wrote:
blackjack wrote:
FunkHouse9 wrote:What do you call an Asian woman with one leg?
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
Irene

I'll see your Irene and raise you...

What do you call a Mexican woman with no legs?

Consuelo

(say all three syllables separately)
Nothing?

oh, it took me a few tries, but yeah, I got it.

Hockey Mon · Post by **Hockey Mon** » November 7, 2008 5:17 pm

One my son loves..

Knock-Knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupt....
Mooo!!!

It's better told live.

SuperTrooper · Post by **SuperTrooper** » November 7, 2008 5:17 pm

Why did the famous William Cody change his name from Richard?

He didn'y want to be known as "Buffalo Dick".

How do you know your bartender doesn't like you?

You find a string in your Bloody Mary.

What do you get when you cross a cucumber with a Mexican jumping bean?

The world's first organic vibrator.

What did the blind man say as he passed the fish market?

"Good morning, ladies."

SuperTrooper · Post by **SuperTrooper** » November 7, 2008 5:19 pm

Hockey Mon wrote:One my son loves..

Knock-Knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupt....
Mooo!!!

It's better told live.

My oldest daughter still tells that joke, and she's 20!!!

rich_big · Post by **rich_big** » November 7, 2008 5:25 pm

LIPH wrote:What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

They both have a 1 in 5,000,000 chance of becoming a human being.

Why don't lawyers ever get attacked by sharks?

Professional courtesy.

What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?

He gets taller.

SharkOnLand · Post by **SharkOnLand** » November 7, 2008 5:32 pm

Why does a squirrel swim on his back?

To keep his nuts dry.

SuperTrooper · Post by **SuperTrooper** » November 7, 2008 5:57 pm

And now some "G" rated material:

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

Becasue chickens weren't invented yet.

Why did Tigger lift the toilet lid?

He was looking for Pooh.

What does a lion call 2 poeple in a Jeep?

Meals on Wheels.

What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when he hits a windshield?

His a$$.

SharkOnLand · Post by **SharkOnLand** » November 7, 2008 6:11 pm