In a pickle...more aging parent drama

[buffettbride]

My stepdad is hanging on with a prognosis of 1-2 months with home hospice care. His daughter-in-law (wife of my stepbrother) has taken on most of the day-to-day caregiving duties and is staying with him more or less full time. Various other caregivers (my family included) help daily with meals, cleaning, companionship, etc.

Here's the rub. My stepbrother is currently doing his second prison stint for felony sexual assault on a child. He will be released on January 15 and my stepdad has agreed to let him and his daughter-in-law live with him.

My husband--the rock and my stepdad's medical POA has expressed to my stepdad on multiple occasions on behalf of me and my natural sisters that we will be unable/unwilling to help with the caregiving duties once my stepbrother moves in. Beyond the fact that I am morally opposed to being anywhere near him, I have a teenage daughter exactly the age of the girls he assaulted. My sisters also have young children (girls).

Despite our protests, my stepdad has indicated that stepbrother will indeed be moving in and wonders why we can't all get along, Jesus forgives, etc. (Jesus may forgive, but forgiveness doesn't keep my daughter safe from a sex offender). I don't stand to gain/lose anything financially from the death of my stepfather---any $$ intended for me was given to me when I lost my mum a few years ago.

I feel pretty strongly that my ties with my stepdad will be severed based on this decision, but I am really struggling with it because he was the dominant father figure in my life and a loving grandparent to my children. I would be unwilling to visit him or bring my children to his house. He is bed-bound.

When my stepdad was in the hospital several weeks ago, he also put into a sealed envelope his choice for durable power of attorney in the event he is unable to make those decisions for himself any longer. We suspect he selected my husband (also the executor of his will) and I'm wondering if anyone thinks that giving the OK for a repeat sex offender to move in with you reaches the level of "incompetence" on any legal sort of level.

I'm 99.9% sure my decision is to sever ties, but I am really struggling with this (so much I'm asking for help from a message board where I barely spend any time any more...)

[lime rickie]

Ugh, Mal, I am so sorry you have to deal with such ugliness during an already difficult time.

Your stepfather, in his dying moments, may have forgiven you stepbrother. However, how could it possibly be permitted under the terms of his release, a two timer no less, to be anywhere near children? Is your stepdad still lucid enough to understand your concerns? What about the daughter-in-law?

In any case, there are laws about how close such persons can reside to schools, parks, etc...would any of that apply to where your stepdad lives? Prisons have the equivalent of "discharge planners" and there must be a safe and reasonable living arrangement plan in place. Are they aware that the current plan includes access to children? If not, they should be made aware.

[Saltx3]

Well, this just stinks big time and I can't even begin to imagine the heartache you and your family are experiencing. Sounds like your step-dad is trying to solve several problems at the same time - having someone to care for him and giving the offender a place to go upon release. I'm not sure I would want to be in his presence and I believe you are right in your position as it relates to your children.

I would also suggest that you speak with the local probation department to see what restrictions they will place on the offender upon release. It may very well be against his probation to be around any children under a certain age - whether or not they are related to him. That may give you the chance to tell your step-dad that you won't help the offender violate his parole by allowing your children in the home.

Life is sometimes just a nasty 4-letter word

[buffettbride]

My stepbrother cannot have contact with any minors. There are no restrictions on where he can live in terms of close to schools, etc. I think the discharge planner idea is a good one.

The sad fact is my stepdad has plenty of cash for a paid caregiver and other combinations of family besides this situation. I don't even really have an issue with my stepbrother going there to visit...but him living there eliminate my ability to take my kids there.

I think I will try the discharge route, at least to see what the exact rules are and make sure the prison knows the real circumstances.

That part of my family is pretty worthless. The pedophile part isn't even the worst of it.

[lime rickie]

My stepbrother cannot have contact with any minors. There are no restrictions on where he can live in terms of close to schools, etc. I think the discharge planner idea is a good one.

The sad fact is my stepdad has plenty of cash for a paid caregiver and other combinations of family besides this situation. I don't even really have an issue with my stepbrother going there to visit...but him living there eliminate my ability to take my kids there.

I think I will try the discharge route, at least to see what the exact rules are and make sure the prison knows the real circumstances.

That part of my family is pretty worthless. The pedophile part isn't even the worst of it.

Does your stepdad live anywhere near a school or park? Is there a daycare or apartment complex with a playground? Ice cream shoppe, movie theater, Chuck-e-cheese? I thought every state has distance rules.

If you can't get support that way then I would be prepared to say my goodbyes January 14. You are absolutely right on with your stance. Good luck.

(((Mal)))

[springparrot]

I don't have anything to add but know what you have to do to keep your family safe.
((((Mal))))

[dnw]

I don't have anything to add but know what you have to do to keep your family safe.
((((Mal))))

wMs

[buffettbride]

Well, this just stinks big time and I can't even begin to imagine the heartache you and your family are experiencing. Sounds like your step-dad is trying to solve several problems at the same time - having someone to care for him and giving the offender a place to go upon release. I'm not sure I would want to be in his presence and I believe you are right in your position as it relates to your children.

I would also suggest that you speak with the local probation department to see what restrictions they will place on the offender upon release. It may very well be against his probation to be around any children under a certain age - whether or not they are related to him. That may give you the chance to tell your step-dad that you won't help the offender violate his parole by allowing your children in the home.

Life is sometimes just a nasty 4-letter word

We've already explained that to my stepdad. He thinks we should all just get along, his son can come/go through the back door so it shouldn't be an issue.

My stepbrother is not allowed to have contact with any minor. His offense was against a 15 year old girl and a 13 year old girl. My daughter is 16.

We have made it abundantly clear that letting his son live there means my stepdad will have no interaction from his grandchildren, and by association me or my husband.

The thing I am struggling with the most is that my stepdad has already made his decision, so what good does it do me to tax myself and my family to help him out when he has essentially chosen his son over my family? Why shouldn't I make my choice to disconnect now rather than January 14? Why give my stepbrother's wife (and we'll just spill the beans here and tell you that my stepbrother molested his wife's daughter from her first marriage and she refuses to believe it) the benefit of my support so she can have "free time" from caregiving?

There's a possibility my stepdad won't live to see January 15, in which case if I distance myself now, then I'm kind of a huge a**hole. If my stepdad is dead, there is no way my stepbrother is moving in, because then my husband because executor of all my stepdad's affairs and that sh!t just won't fly.

[big john]

All you need is a parole violation and your problem is solved.
If he got caught twice he'll get caught again.

[sistergoldenhair]

I guess it depends on what your issue is -- if it is the fact that your stepfather is putting his son before your family, then that starts now. If you can get past that and the issue is that you don't want to be in the presence of his son (which I agree with you 100%), then the issue starts Jan 14. I think I would probably just say goodbye and good luck on Jan 13. Can't control what other people value, so I would not make a fuss about the guy's emotional preferences. He probably has a lot of (misplaced? who knows) guilt that his kid turned out to be a monster who victimizes young girls. Who knows what went on when he was bringing the kid up ?? Ya never know what motivates people. At any rate I wish you good luck, and remember that your little family (that would be your husband and your kids) comes before ANYONE, even your aging parents.

[buffettbride]

All you need is a parole violation and your problem is solved.
If he got caught twice he'll get caught again.

I'm sure there will be another parole violation. We thought about (sort of) going over to my stepdad's house on the 15th with my teenage daughter in the living room so there is minor contact the second he walks in the house, but as much as I *think* I'd like to do that, it's a flawed plan for many reasons.

Regardless, it appears my stepdad has taken a turn for the worse today and making it to January 15 might not even be an issue.

[lime rickie]

All you need is a parole violation and your problem is solved.
If he got caught twice he'll get caught again.

I'm sure there will be another parole violation. We thought about (sort of) going over to my stepdad's house on the 15th with my teenage daughter in the living room so there is minor contact the second he walks in the house, but as much as I *think* I'd like to do that, it's a flawed plan for many reasons.

Regardless, it appears my stepdad has taken a turn for the worse today and making it to January 15 might not even be an issue.

Mallory, sending some massive MA phin power your way.

~/)~/)~/)~

[Bicycle Bill]

Man, I wouldn't wish an issue like this on my worst enemy.
(((Mal)))
Do what feels best for you and yours, Mallory, and know that whatever you decide and however this shakes down, we've got your back and will always be here for you.

-"BB"-

[buffettbride]

I'm actually more at peace with it now. It's becoming very clear my stepdad is in his final days, so the January 15th deadline becomes a non-issue (it doesn't help that was the date of my parent's anniversary...).

Now I'm just counting the hours/days when my sisters and I can collect the remaining items that were my mothers and wash our hands of that entire side of the family. Thankfully, most of it we have already and isn't of monetary value--merely sentimental.

[SMLCHNG]

((((((Mal)))))) I just hope everything is resolved sooner, than later. I'm sorry you and the family are having to go this crap.

[MacPhin]

(((Mallory))) Wow, that just sucks. I pray that fate will take place and it will be a non issue soon. Good luck and keep us posted.

[MacPhin]

(((Mallory))) Wow, that just sucks. I pray that fate will take place and it will be a non issue soon. Good luck and keep us posted.

[buffettbride]

I really appreciate all the kind words. I am pretty much detaching from the situation because it frustrates me so much. I am so thankful I have Hubby and my sisters to make this all more bearable.

[buffettbride]

My stepdad passed away this morning at home with me, my sister, my husband, my daughter, and my stepdad's favorite nephew by his side.

The last two weeks were filled with a little bit of turmoil as it was discovered my sister in law (pedophile's wife) and a niece of my stepdad's not only were helping with caregiving, but also helping themselves to my stepdad's bank accounts and credit cards to the tune of a car payment and (attempted to purchase) new kitchen cabinets.

My husband decided to defer his POA power to the previously mentioned nephew because dealing with the politics and drama of my stepsisters is just way too much.

As for my stepbrother, I imagine he will petition his dad's estate for the funds to attend his dad's funeral (about $6k) or the funeral will be postponed until he is out of jail. I guess we will see how that all works out.

Either way, I am sad to see the end of my stepdad's life, but I am also happy his suffering is over, both emotional and physical. He was a Vietnam vet who served 3 tours and the was a Navy recruiter for 20 years after that. I am looking forward to him receiving the burial honors he deserves.

[lime rickie]

(((Mal)))

I am glad you were able to be with your stepdad in his final hours. Hopefully this will be the end of the drama with your step-siblings as well.

Thoughts and prayers and phin power headed your way.

~/)~/)~/)~